Therapists validating our feelings

At my last session my T asked me what's behind my difficulty in opening up. After I thought about it, I told him there were several reasons, one of which is that I want him to like me. Not romantically, but I don't want to be that client he dreads, doesn't feel connected to, or isn't showing the growth he would like.

He's psychodynamic, so sometimes he has a lot to say. What he said in response made perfect sense and it felt so good to hear him say it. He explained that almost all clients crave a connection with their therapists and they want to know that in some way they are special or important in their therapist's eyes and that maybe (just maybe) we're special enough that they will look forward to our appointment that day. He went on to say that many clients idealize their therapists to the point that any non-neutral reaction from our therapists hold tremendous meaning. He also said that if our therapists, who are supposed experts in human behavior, accept us for who we are or show us in any way that we're special, can be very powerful and heartwarming. He went on to say that he understands it because he himself idealized his therapist and knows how it feels to want to be accepted by him, cared for and seen as an individual, not just a client in the system.

It was a great moment in my therapy to hear my T verbalize everything I was feeling, all from a simple sentence, "I want you to like me." He totally gets it

So....has your T ever really validated something for you, or does anyone care to chime in on what's it's like to idealize our T's or what it feels like to want to be liked by our T's?

It makes me sick to my stomach (literally) when I feel like I want my T to like me. I'd rather not need that from him....obviously it's an issue though....

I would like the therapist to understand or listen to what I am saying. I don't really care if they validate anything more than that.

Special? That's a loaded phrase.
It's a lot to maintain.

I don't think I ever looked to be special to my T. I suspect it was so off my radar of possibility that I could be, I was too afraid to try. I think it was very much a part of my struggle to allow him to care for me. It's why even after many years, I was shocked when he articulated his parental feelings for me.

But I absolutely wanted and needed his validation on many levels. A big part of that was because any thought or emotion I expressed growing up was met by my mother with "Don't be ridiculous" and completely invalidated. And there were certain things my father said to me as a child that were deeply wounding that needed to be countered, verbally and experientially. It took a long time, however, before I could accept and internalize his validations.

It's awesome when they get you, isn't it?

My session last Wednesday dealt a lot with whether my therapist likes me. I had no reason to think he doesn't, and had quite a bit of reason to feel secure that he does like me, but I still had to ask. I know the fear that he doesn't like me is rooted in my stuff, but telling myself that wasn't enough. It was a really valuable session - he was happy that I had asked, said that he does like me, he likes working with me, and he enjoys that it always feels like we are working in session. That was warming and good to hear, and reaffirmed my growing security in the working relationship we've spent nearly six months building.

I think more valuable to the process of therapy, at least for me, was that I asked and we were able to talk about it. I've been really open about transference issues when they come up, wobbles in trust and attachment, I'm comfortable disagreeing with him, but the vulnerability of looking at him and asking, "Do you like me?" was really hard. I struggle with being able to open up for a lot of reasons, but fear of judgment from someone whose opinion means the world to me is definitely one of those reasons. I'm happy I asked, I feel a little proud that I asked, and it also opened the door to me being able to discuss other things, like whether my T would tell me if something I did annoyed or upset him if he thought it might be something that happened in my relationships outside, which was a bit scary. (He would.)

I have been itching to ask my T that very question. Kudos for being so brave. Maybe I can be as brave this week

I dont idealize my t,maybe because i am married to a t and i dont put therapists on pedestals...but, of course i want to be liked by her. Itd be nice to be special to her, she says that i am, but i dont need to be special- i am plenty special enough in other ways too
It makes me feel good when t validates things for me though

I am really glad your t gets it!

Interesting thread. When I go in for my appointment, T. always looks at me with joy on her face. Like she is delighted to see me. Must be some kind of therapeutic trick. I am not very likeable, so it kind of unnerves me, yet it also makes me happy (like maybe it is true that she is glad to see me).

My T has acted like a warm, caring person right from the start. I never questioned whether he liked me or whether I was special to him. He's always been that way. I know that may not be typical, but there it is.

I'm sure you can. It sounds like your T is open to the question and ready for it.

Oh, and thank you!