[CameraObscura]

I've been back in counseling for about seven months. I've been in and out of therapy for (*cough*) lots of years now, slowly working through issues around csa and dissociation.

I've developed a good, solid, trusting relationship with my T, which is great. I've been feeling a little proud of myself for that, and so my brain has decided to lob a steaming pile of unresolved issues at me to deal with.

It's time to work on the sexual part of csa recovery. I'm terrified. I'm scared to sit across from my T and talk about this stuff. I can talk about memories like a pro, process emotions and connections from my childhood to my current life like someone who has been in therapy for years. Therapy has helped so much over the years, and I guess it makes sense that now that I am strong enough, and stable enough, it's time to tackle the hardest (I think) part of recovery.

I came close to opening this part of the work about six years ago under a lot of pressure from my then-husband, and it went really poorly. I wasn't ready, my ex-H wasn't able to be supportive (she said diplomatically), and everything went kaboom. My marriage blew up, I landed in a deep depression, and I slammed the lid closed on the box labeled "Sex Stuff" and shoved it back in the closet.

Has anyone made it through the sexual recovery part of csa with a T? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel with it? I know I need to bring it up Monday when I see T next, but I think I'd rather pack my passport and head for Mexico, instead.

I'm a big chicken.

[Leah123]

Yes, there absolutely is. I've been through a couple rounds of working through the sexual side effects of childhood sexual abuse. Not easy, not a smooth road, but empowering, healing, amazing.

I hope and suspect you might be relieved once you begin this time. After doing the wrenching, painful work of dealing with the original abuse itself and like you say, making the present day connections, I found the other work to be... intimidating, but the relief was faster than I expected, I found a great deal of it just in disclosing. Getting up the courage to discuss the present day sexual stuff was very hard, but.... once done, got easier to work through I think than some of the other stuff was for me. My second round is in progress, so, I won't say I'm perfectly content but I can assure you that there is a bright, shining, warm light at the end of the tunnel.

Anticipating trouble can really make it harder, especially since you had things go so far south the first time: I've had experiences like that too, have PTSD, which sort of epitomizes the fear of the past repeating, but.... no matter how strong or convincing that fear is.... it is just a fear, doesn't have to be reality, especially since you say "my then-husband. Good for you.

[CameraObscura]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

It's been a long time since I was this scared to walk into a t's office. The last time was the first time I ever told a t about my transference issues and feeling obsessed with him and with t itself, which I had no idea was normal for trauma survivors. Walking in that day took everything I had - but looking back, that session was a pivotal one for my recovery. A lot of foundation was built on finally "owning up" to the transference.

I'm hoping for a similarly transformative result from this. I've warned my t that it's something I want (for lack of a better word) to work on, so it won't be out of the blue.

This is one of the times I wish T had a margarita machine in the waiting room. Maybe even just a shot glass and a bottle of whiskey. [I've never drank before a session, but sometimes the fantasy of a drink to take the nerves down a notch is pleasing.]

[Leah123]

Oh I so know what you mean. I really don't drink, but have told my therapist more than once (halfway seriously) that I just need a brandy. Haha.

Take heart, the things we can talk about lose power over us. I know you know that.

[Solepa]

Hello I really feel for you and also wish you the best. I am now also opening this topic in therapy.
Last session I talked about my current gynecological issues as a consequence of CSA. My T asked me about the details of it and it was so embarrassing bc I was literally describing my private parts to her. But she made me feel safe and was so comforting and accepting I'm glad I was able to talk about it.
It is very hard thing to do but it is worth it when you are ready. Kudos to you !

[OneWorld]

I don't have the same background but unthinking have the same level of fear about going to T. Last time, T reminded me that this is MY therapy and I can say as much or as little as I want. And I can get it all out as quickly or as slowly as I want. I am the one in control. I can talk around the hard parts, I can stop. I am in control.

That really helps me - hope it helps you too.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Favorite Jeans]

A book that I found helpful is The Survivor's Guide to Sex: How to Create Your Own Empowered Sexuality After Childhood Sexual Abuse by Staci Haines

Have you told T that this is something you want to talk about? Maybe just spending a session or two talking about what it might be like to discuss it--the potential for feeling mortified or ashamed, and your past experience of trying to address this issue-- could be a helpful warm up.

I think it is worth it. It's terrible to have a happy and pleasurable sex life stolen from you by your abuser. Good luck!

C.O., I'm just really getting into talking about the CSA, so I may not be able to address the whole 'recovery' part, but I wanted to tell you that talking about these things does get a little easier as you go on.

I realize in some ways I was 'lucky' in that my abuser was female and I am a straight female. It hasn't caused me all that many sexual issues. [Okay, I did once punch my husband when he wouldn't stop doing something when I asked him to, but that aside ...]

[CameraObscura]

Thanks, y'all.

I head in to session in a couple of hours, and I'm all kinds of nervous. I know it will be fine.

Thanks for the book recommendation, Favorite Jeans! I have a Wendy Maltz book, and I was wondering what others I should look into. I like throwing books at problems.

My T knows this stuff is coming, I've mentioned it, and today probably will be mostly talking about talking. Oh therapy, you're so weird.