[IndestructibleGirl]

...and now I feel wretched.

Honestly. I don't know what is wrong with me. I was fine earlier and ultimately I feel it's more straightforward. But I feel kinda humiliated, or something. Like I tried to take something that wasn't mine, by saying I was potentially interested, and could we discuss it further.

Apparently, it's off the table because the manager of the clinic went ahead and appointed a PA so it's done and dusted. I get that. Timing in the world of employment is everything. I think what was difficult to swallow was hearing about an exciting project they'll get to work on, there's a real chance for this person to make a substantial difference, and it will be rewarding - ironically, I get to benefit from this project in a different way, so I should be grateful. But I felt embarrassed and didn't really know where to look. And I was too embarrassed to say I felt the loss of the closeness that she had suggested might be a good idea.

I know I need to be an adult about this. It's just unfortunate that I feel like a child in the playground who has no friends and was invited to play, and then told it was a whopping great joke. I ****ing know this. I think I'm smarting because several times my mother dangled exciting plans like a bloody great delicious carrot and then backed out.

I feel guilty now as well, for feeling like this. I felt we went a great length to resolving the mess of last week's session - not all of it, but a good inroad, in an adult way with good contact between us. I have a bone deep feeling that I have a lot of work left to do with this particular therapist, but I just feel so hurt and alone no matter what she does or no matter what was I twist and turn and try to reframe things. I said to my brother earlier what if this is just who I am at my core not a bad person (I'm done thinking that, yay therapy) but just an empty disconnected one who is always dissatisfied and insecure, no matter how much people might try.

Right now, I don't even know if I feel any connection with my T anymore. It's like I feel the fence springing back up between me and every other human being again. This is how it always is. Somebody comes along and for a while there's no fence, and then they see something in me which makes them recoil, and they click their fingers and suddenly I'm on the wrong side of the fence again.

I don't know where to go with this anymore. I take everything too personally, but its either feel it or shove it away, and I'm supposed to be not shoving away, but feeling it is pure ****.

[HazelGirl]

As hard as it is to see, no one has recoiled from you. You did nothing wrong. The director of the clinic just hired someone else before you even had a chance to get the job. I can totally understand the hurt, though. Can you tell your T about how your mother used to do things like that to you and that it reminded you of that?

[CantExplain]

((IG))

Disappointment is one of my greatest pains.

[Leah123]

The way you feel will and can shift. You can find, in therapy, that your initial perception/experience, doesn't have to be the final one, that ruptures can be repaired and you've been disappointed not dropped. Have faith.

[sweepy62]

I'm very sorry I wish she wouldn't have offered you the job, not to be mean but this is what I mean, now this is bringing up more feelings you wouldn't have had if she didn't have offered it to you. It's like she was going to potentially going to take you to the toy store and buy you a toy, and then the toy store went out of business , and there were no other toy stores around, a let down.

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[Bipolarchic14]

It's also possible the director saw the conflict of interest from having a dual relationship and this was their way of withdrawing the offer without having to admit they made a mistake. I know dual relationships are typically frowned upon. If you like the idea of having a position like this, don't give up hope. You could try looking at another clinic. I know it would not be the same as working with your therapist, but if my memory serves me correct, and frankly it may not so I apologize if I am not right, I think it was you that said in a previous post that someone said that your therapist is hard to work with. If you took the job and something happened at work between the two of you or with another coworker, discussing it in therapy may be awkward. Just one example. Good luck

[Bill3]

(((((IndestructibleGirl)))))

That sounds so painful. I am so sorry you're hurting so much.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Right now, I don't even know if I feel any connection with my T anymore. It's like I feel the fence springing back up between me and every other human being again. This is how it always is. Somebody comes along and for a while there's no fence, and then they see something in me which makes them recoil, and they click their fingers and suddenly I'm on the wrong side of the fence again.

I don't know where to go with this anymore. I take everything too personally, but its either feel it or shove it away, and I'm supposed to be not shoving away, but feeling it is pure ****.

Disappointment like this stings, and can feel like rejection even when it isn't. You described the special disappointment you felt in light of hearing about plans for an exciting project. Maybe you're feeling excluded from a wonderful experience? I think it wouldn't hurt to describe how all of this is affecting you to your therapist. Although painful moments can be part of the process, The 'project' of working on and developing your therapeutic relationship with her might end up being far more exciting and personally rewarding than any old PA project.

[AmysJourney]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

I'm very sorry I wish she wouldn't have offered you the job, not to be mean but this is what I mean, now this is bringing up more feelings you wouldn't have had if she didn't have offered it to you. It's like she was going to potentially going to take you to the toy store and buy you a toy, and then the toy store went out of business , and there were no other toy stores around, a let down.

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Yes, I agree with you sweepy - I wish she hadn't offered the job in the first place. This situation is painful and IndestructibleGirl, you should have never been exposed to this.

[Sabra]

Good morning,

I am so sorry this "arrangement" came back to bite u in the butt. Your therapist created this mess. Can u imagine what kind of pain u would feel six months down the road when it all went to hell?

There is still a chance for you to salvage your therapeutic relationship. If u had taken the job, it would have been worse.....hard to imagine. I have never seen this type of set-up work and I'm old.

My biggest concern is your feeling of guilt. My first interaction with a therapist, there were so many boundary issues crossed I felt as if I was in a different country. It was so painful when things went to hell. It was a total re-creation of my dynamic with my mother. I felt so much GUILT for letting it happen to me. Guess what....the onus of the mess was on her, yet she allowed me carry the guilt.

My first therapeutic relationship was destroyed. It took me several months before I could even sort my feelings out. I wrote a three page letter to her and enumerated the ways she failed me. My last statement...."if I ever hear of you violating boundaries with another client, I will take you before the state licensing board and I would wear her license around my neck".

We were in a university setting and I knew exactly who to go to who would shut her down within system. She never responded to my letter. I saw her several times at workshops ect. and there was never a word spoken between us.

Please give the guilt back to her. I think you feel very hurt for what feels like a setup. The guilt belongs to her for even suggesting you work with her. I think I would write a thank you letter to the office manager.... not now, perhaps later when you regroup.

Regards,

Sabra

[IndestructibleGirl]

No, I don't feel guilty for being interested in the job, I'm embarrassed and muddled about that really - I feel guilty because I let this mistake of hers tarnish how I feel about the rest of the relationship. I mean, we all make mistakes. We all **** up sometimes. I think it was a big mistake of her to suggest this, when it wasn't even a realistic idea but when I weigh up all the good she has done/ keeps doing, it far and away outstrips the mistakes. And the wise old soul part of me knows it's a blessing in disguise to not work for her. It's just the immature puppyish part of me that feels gutted at losing the opportunity to positively bask in close contact with someone important to me.

I've never been one for grudges, except with my mother which I can't seem to get past, poor her

No, I'm not going to write a letter of thanks to the manager. I don't understand that, why would I? She has nothing to do with me (or my therapy) and I think that would be quite passive aggressive and bizarre. What I will do is email my therapist and outline how I feel about it. She did ask if I was hurt, and I said no, I was disappointed. But I don't think the entirety of how I felt hit me until later on, when I was sitting in my doctor's surgery and suddenly burst into tears. Everyone saw, it wasn't cool But I don't think this all had to do with the job, at all. It had a lot to do with mother stuff which is not related, the job thing was just the fetid icing on a rather rotten cake.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

No, I don't feel guilty for being interested in the job, I'm embarrassed and muddled about that really - I feel guilty because I let this mistake of hers tarnish how I feel about the rest of the relationship. I mean, we all make mistakes. We all **** up sometimes. I think it was a big mistake of her to suggest this, when it wasn't even a realistic idea but when I weigh up all the good she has done/ keeps doing, it far and away outstrips the mistakes. And the wise old soul part of me knows it's a blessing in disguise to not work for her. It's just the immature puppyish part of me that feels gutted at losing the opportunity to positively bask in close contact with someone important to me.

I've never been one for grudges, except with my mother which I can't seem to get past, poor her

No, I'm not going to write a letter of thanks to the manager. I don't understand that, why would I? She has nothing to do with me (or my therapy) and I think that would be quite passive aggressive and bizarre. What I will do is email my therapist and outline how I feel about it. She did ask if I was hurt, and I said no, I was disappointed. But I don't think the entirety of how I felt hit me until later on, when I was sitting in my doctor's surgery and suddenly burst into tears. Everyone saw, it wasn't cool But I don't think this all had to do with the job, at all. It had a lot to do with mother stuff which is not related, the job thing was just the fetid icing on a rather rotten cake.

There is no 'immature puppy' thing goin' on here in my view.

I admire the 'wise old soul' part of you that plans to sort through it on paper and then offer it to your therapist . Yes, Indestructible is indestructible. I hope your therapist sees it as the gift that it is, and feels humbled by and grateful for having been given the opportunity to repair the rupture she caused in her haste.