[sweepy62]

This is hillarious to the point of irrationally mental now lol. After last weeks session which I took a big step and admitted my feelings and vulnerabilities and even spoke some CSa stuff,

A couple of days later after processing all of this, I guess it brought up more crap and nightmares and memories, well now all of a sudden I'm so angry at her that I'm having these pretend conversations with her in my head, where I'm telling her to get the f $&& out of my life.

That she is a stupid bi$@&ch and to stop pretending to like me.

OMG am I going nuts? Then I feel guilty. I keep replaying this in my head and I'm hoping this goes away before Wednesday ,

It does not make sense to me. I can really feel the anger as if she was really in front of me.

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[elaygee]

It sounds like the anger may be because she scaled the "wall" no one else had yet. It was quick and unexpected, may be even unwelcome hence the intense anger with her. Maybe wanting to take a more assertive role in your therapy by cursing. IDK but hope you share with T.

[brillskep]

To me, it makes sense that you'd be angry at her. It's not that she's done something to you. To me, it just makes sense that you'd be angry about what's happened to you and maybe you have reasons to be angry at her too. I mean, what you're working on is very delicate. I can understand how it would surface some very strong feelings. Does she allow any between-session contact if you need to clarify something and feel so overwhelmed?

[granite1]

sweepy this makes complete sense to me. I have arguments with her in my head bunches of times after T . and could it also be that you are projecting all your anger about your past on to her . I don't understand how that works a lot but my T says I tend to do that some when I think she is angry at me. wonder if it is the same kind of thing.
I wonder if you see her as causing all this pain by bringing all these memories to the front to deal with also.

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by granite1

sweepy this makes complete sense to me. I have arguments with her in my head bunches of times after T . and could it also be that you are projecting all your anger about your past on to her . I don't understand how that works a lot but my T says I tend to do that some when I think she is angry at me. wonder if it is the same kind of thing.
I wonder if you see her as causing all this pain by bringing all these memories to the front to deal with also.

Thanks granite, i thought i was going more nuts lol, i guess it could be that, well hoping it will go away before wednesday, i dont want to unleash this pretend anger towards her, and its her birthday wednesday too, lol, dont want to go in there, and say, hey you, im angry at you, why u ask, because just because, lol lol lol. hope your ok granite, your session should be coming soon, i will be there for you as well ok.

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by brillskep

To me, it makes sense that you'd be angry at her. It's not that she's done something to you. To me, it just makes sense that you'd be angry about what's happened to you and maybe you have reasons to be angry at her too. I mean, what you're working on is very delicate. I can understand how it would surface some very strong feelings. Does she allow any between-session contact if you need to clarify something and feel so overwhelmed?

yes she encourages in between session calls, im trying to resolve this anger before wednesday, lol poor t, dont want to walk in there angry at her, for no reason, and its her birthday on wednesday.

[HazelGirl]

This is obviously transference, but who is it that you're transferring onto her? Is it a parent? Is it your abuser? If so, you may be angry at them and taking it out on her in your head. It's like your brain doesn't feel safe enough to actually admit to being angry at them, so it instead chooses to be angry at someone whom it knows is safe.

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

This is obviously transference, but who is it that you're transferring onto her? Is it a parent? Is it your abuser? If so, you may be angry at them and taking it out on her in your head. It's like your brain doesn't feel safe enough to actually admit to being angry at them, so it instead chooses to be angry at someone whom it knows is safe.

wow, transference, already, yes you could be absolutely right, I guess I should tell her, but how am i going to tell her, like t i am angry at you but dont know why, but on the other hand i like you, but you did nothing wrong, lol sounds irrational, omg, do you even think therapists expect this kinda crap.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

wow, transference, already, yes you could be absolutely right, I guess I should tell her, but how am i going to tell her, like t i am angry at you but dont know why, but on the other hand i like you, but you did nothing wrong, lol sounds irrational, omg, do you even think therapists expect this kinda crap.

Yes, of course they expect it. They deal with it all the time. I think it's a good idea to tell her, so that she understands and can help you.

[IndestructibleGirl]

You're definitely not going nuts, Sweepy. I think it sounds like a seal on your anger has been broken, and she's there (and can take it, by the sounds of things - if I remember rightly you are finding this T good to work with even though the work is pushing you??) so it will be directed at her.

I think it is good that you feel angry. That anger is you getting even more on your own side - thinking who the **** taught me this is all I'm worth? (about the csa)

I also think it says a lot of positives for your T relationship. It sounds like you trust that you can express all this very difficult stuff (both the disclosing of the memories themselves, and then the storm of emotion that is brewing) and feel safe to do so, that you don't have to be on your 'best behaviour' with her.

[sweepy62]

Indestructible: thank you, I will tell her at the beginning of the session, that I felt angry at her in my head, I hope this is not considered a rupture, since it was in my head lol, and she does not know about it.

I dont think I ever had a rupture before, and its way to early for this crap lol, the only thing is, once I tell her this, she will want to process it, I dont want to spend the hour talking about it. She is like a giant food processor, lol except she processes your brain lol.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

She is like a giant food processor, lol except she processes your brain lol.

SO TRUE! That is a fabulous way of describing the therapy hour

[HazelGirl]

It sounds like it needs to be processed, like your brain is telling you that this is what you need to work on at the moment.