to the movies. I called to play an April Fools joke on her and she fell for it. We talked about 15 minutes, before her next client. She said she would call me back, and she did. One of her couples cancelled for the evening, so she asked if I wanted to see the movie Her. I already saw it, and she mentioned seeing something else. I told her I did not mind seeing it again. She asked if I was sure, and I said yes. It's a movie that's left me processing it in my head months later.

We are friends, but will never be BFF. But what we do have is special to me and her. I don't feel I need to check myself with her and I believe she feels the same way. There is no uncomfortableness with her knowing all my deepest, darkest secrets, besides she was not a blank slate therapist.

Post therapy friendships are possible, and I'm glad she was willing to take that leap in our relationship.

[CantExplain]

I'm so envious!

[Sunflower Queen]

I hope someday My Ex T will be like that. I soo miss her presence. She knows it too.

Thats great!

[junkDNA]

weird....

[EveningStar2632]

That's awesome! You had to be brave to ask her, even though it is April Fool's day...and you pulled it off! haha. Glad you guys have a special relationship like that, very sweet:-)

[sailorboy]

This post feels awkwardly insincere to be honest.

[stopdog]

After the first therapist I ever saw and I quit doing therapy, we would sometimes go to movies together. I saw Strictly Ballroom with her and her daughter.

My therapist and I just saw the movie Her. We got to talk for about 20 minutes before the movie. The conversation went well. I did not feel awkward or strange when we chatted or during the movie. We both had fun, and will get together again, soon. I still can call and email, and I do sometime.

Thank you to all that have left messages, thanks and hugs.

Originally Posted by stopdog

After the first therapist I ever saw and I quit doing therapy, we would sometimes go to movies together. I saw Strictly Ballroom with her and her daughter.

Thanks for sharing your experience. Hopefully people will realize it does happen, Post Therapy Relationships. And more importantly, no big deal re boundaries.

Originally Posted by sailorboy

This post feels awkwardly insincere to be honest.

I'm sorry my thread made you feel this way.

Originally Posted by junkDNA

weird....

No. It wasn't weird for me...we both enjoyed the movie and each other's company.

[pmbm]

My first ever therapist and I hang out a lot. She was my therapist about 25 years ago for a few years. She is bringing lunch to my house on Thursday.

[brillskep]

I've never terminated therapy with a therapist I'd want to become friends with.

When I terminate with my therapist, I expect it to go like ....
I'll miss him a lot.
He'll miss me a lot.
We'll agree that we'll both miss each other a lot.
We won't do a damn thing about it, because we'll both be scared

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Goingtogetthere

Thanks for sharing your experience. Hopefully people will realize it does happen, Post Therapy Relationships. And more importantly, no big deal re boundaries.

Unfortunately, there are therapists who are very strict about this. A lot of us are going to be disappointed.

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Unfortunately, there are therapists who are very strict about this. A lot of us are going to be disappointed.

CE, I agree with you a hundred percent. What I grapple with is the fact that so many on this board say it's wrong, unethical damaging, etc; group think. Granted things can go wrong; such is life. When therapy is terminated usually one has grown and know how to deal with life issues, and get help from others if need be. Even those that have attachment disorder or BPD.

Touch was a big taboo, and emails and phone calls were frowned upon when I found PC, but now more people are talking about touch as being okay, emails and phone calls outside of the 50/60 minute therapy hour are not such a boundary crossing/violation. In fact, people are using that as criteria for picking a therapist or requesting touch from the therapist they are already seeing.

But, I certainly understand that some, therapist and clients, have a desire to do business as usual, and have no desire for anything else, and that is okay.

[AllyIsHopeful]

Is there a major age gap between you and your ex-T? Just curious.

Originally Posted by Hopelessly Hopeful

Is there a major age gap between you and your ex-T? Just curious.

I am 54 and she is 61.

[someone321]

Thank you for sharing, I'm very glad that it works for you so well

[AllyIsHopeful]

Well regardless of what others think of the situation, I think it's fantastic. If it works, then so be it! Why throw away a perfectly good relationship if both parties are able to handle it? Seems more damaging than going opposite ways and never looking back just to avoid a "taboo".

[AllyIsHopeful]

Originally Posted by sailorboy

This post feels awkwardly insincere to be honest.

May I ask what "awkwardly insincere" implies? I just don't fully understand the context of this response.

[AmysJourney]

Goingtogetthere, I think it's great that you are friends like this with your ex-T.

But there are a few pieces of information missing here to really have a conversation that doesn't go: "Good for you! You proved us all wrong! :-)" OR "Well something is off about this!"
First of all, we don't know how long it has been since you terminated with your Therapist. Was it a few months ago or a few years ago?
Second, and please forgive me if I got that wrong - you say post-therapy friendships are possible but from what I gather, is this the first time you have seen her in a social situation? It sounds a bit like this when you describe how you talked to her for 20 minutes before you saw the movie and how it was not awkward.
If this was the first time you saw her outside therapy, then how can you call it a friendship? I mean, perhaps I am not getting the whole picture, that's entirely possible. Do you see each other a few times a month? Have you been at her house or she at yours for dinner or for a party? Have your friends met her?
What is that friendship like for you? A distant friend, a good friend, a close friend?
If it was the first time you saw her socially, how can you know that it works long term?

I don't think that anybody really said that post-therapy friendships are impossible. But there are very real ethical problems if we would make it a broad suggestion that "Post-therapy friendship is absolutely fine and possible and there's nothing wrong about it"
Because the problem is not in the friendships that do work out - it's in the hundreds of thousands of friendships that do NOT work out. So you're lucky - you Ex-T likes you enough to be social with you. What about those she doesn't like enough? So you're able to have a balanced friendship - what about those clients who are not able? What about those clients who want the friendship out of entirely different reasons, like simply not wanting to let go? What if a client knew their therapist was friends with another ex-client but isn't very interested in having the same friendship with them?
What if the client has some kind of obsession for the therapist (Which, let's face it, is not very uncommon!) What if the friendship happens and in a moment of need the client friend wants to have the therapist help them, not the friend who might react differently?

And we all know how manipulative people can be sometimes. A little side story.. My therapist friend (never been my T) really liked one of her clients and after they terminated they met up socially. It turned out the client had very obsessive romantic fantasies about my friend and one night disclosed it to her with the desire to pursue an affair. My friend told her that this was not possible and that they had to end their friendship - the ex-client attempted suicide.
How many hurt feelings can result from a post-therapy friendship? So much more than one can imagine.

So yes - there is always an exception to the rule - but these exceptions have to be treated like this - exceptions, not encouraging others that this is something to pursue and giving the impression that it's totally fine.
You make a judgment of sorts when you say:
"What I grapple with is the fact that so many on this board think it's wrong, unethical, damaging"
You know, these things can go horribly wrong, can be incredibly damaging and can go in incredibly unethical ways. And the truth is - in the majority of cases they DO go wrong!
There are only VERY FEW success stories around even in therapist circles, as I have found out from my therapist (who knows almost every T in my town) where a balanced friendship did happen. And these very few balanced friendships happened years after therapy ended. I believe her and I can absolutely see the downfalls of this.

So, without attacking you - because you know I love you a lot for your sweetness - I think it's important to put this topic in context..

[AllyIsHopeful]

Whoa Amelia, I don't think she intended any of this. I don't wanna speak for her but to me it just seems like she wanted to share a positive story on how they got together for a movie. I think all of us have acknowledged the possible harm and that it could and probably will go terribly wrong in most situations. However it is possible to remain in touch and attend a social outing with an ex-T without actually calling it a "friendship". It's a special kind of relationship, with its own entity.
It didn't, in any way possible, seem like she was trying to rub it in for all of her ex-T's clients who don't get to see a movie with her.
So the context seems to be that every therapeutic relationship is different and unique and that's okay - as long as it is comfortable for both parties.
You and your T have a very unique relationship. I mean, she gave you a therapy jar! That is so awesome, but maybe not the most ethical of things to do? What about all of her other clients who didn't receive a therapy jar? Also many people would not be able to handle surprises/gifts like that, as it may warp their perception of the relationship in an unhealthy way.

So you are right, there are always exceptions to the rules...But to me it seems those comments may have only suggested that people sometimes take these rules to a very serious level of reality instead of realizing there ARE exceptions and it can work sometimes. I'm not sure if she implied it will work for everyone.

Again, I'm really not wanting to talk for GTGT nor do I want to cause conflict/tension. I noticed one of the only times I feel heated on this forum is when people post their stories, positive or negative, and get slammed or corrected for doing so. It creates an unsafe posting environment. I only know this because I have felt it before and it's not a great feeling. Maybe that's why it strikes a nerve? I'm not sure...but the only person who could put a post/thread into "context" is the person who posted it.

[AmysJourney]

Originally Posted by Hopelessly Hopeful

Whoa Amelia, I don't think she intended any of this. I don't wanna speak for her but to me it just seems like she wanted to share a positive story on how they got together for a movie. I think all of us have acknowledged the possible harm and that it could and probably will go terribly wrong in most situations. However it is possible to remain in touch and attend a social outing with an ex-T without actually calling it a "friendship". It's a special kind of relationship, with its own entity.
It didn't, in any way possible, seem like she was trying to rub it in for all of her ex-T's clients who don't get to see a movie with her.
So the context seems to be that every therapeutic relationship is different and unique and that's okay - as long as it is comfortable for both parties.
You and your T have a very unique relationship. I mean, she gave you a therapy jar! That is so awesome, but maybe not the most ethical of things to do? What about all of her other clients who didn't receive a therapy jar? Also many people would not be able to handle surprises/gifts like that, as it may warp their perception of the relationship in an unhealthy way.

So you are right, there are always exceptions to the rules...But to me it seems those comments may have only suggested that people sometimes take these rules to a very serious level of reality instead of realizing there ARE exceptions and it can work sometimes. I'm not sure if she implied it will work for everyone.

Again, I'm really not wanting to talk for GTGT nor do I want to cause conflict/tension. I noticed one of the only times I feel heated on this forum is when people post their stories, positive or negative, and get slammed or corrected for doing so. It creates an unsafe posting environment. I only know this because I have felt it before and it's not a great feeling. Maybe that's why it strikes a nerve? I'm not sure...but the only person who could put a post/thread into "context" is the person who posted it.

Oh, I wasn't actually attacking - just putting things into perspective - especially because of her post about how many on here find that post-therapy friendships damaging, unethical etc. And in another thread she said "It's not a big deal" - which means for her it's not a big deal but for A LOT of others it is indeed a big deal. And I just think it's important to really see both sides of this. I didn't slam anything in my opinion. But when people post their stories, it is a very subjective experience and it can not be made a broad assumption that it is the same for all. I think it's really great that goingtogetthere is friends with her ex-T. My issue is not with that AT ALL. It's with the notion that this is normal (which it really isn't). So there is no judgment here that I thing GTGT should not be friends with her Ex-T. If it works, I am really happy! But the reality is, that this is a topic that is VERY difficult for MANY and I put my perspective on this. I love GTGT!

And by the way, my therapist gives all clients a therapy jar for their birthdays :-) So I wasn't that special..

[UnderRugSwept]

Originally Posted by Amelia112

Goingtogetthere, I think it's great that you are friends like this with your ex-T.

But there are a few pieces of information missing here to really have a conversation that doesn't go: "Good for you! You proved us all wrong! :-)" OR "Well something is off about this!"
First of all, we don't know how long it has been since you terminated with your Therapist. Was it a few months ago or a few years ago?

Actually it's not our job to determine if it's right or wrong, nor was Goingtogetthere asking for an opinion. In the US, friendship with an ex-therapist is not referred to in either the APA Code of ethics or the ethical code for LCSWs, to name a few. There is no waiting period. (ETA: Of course, I don't know where Goingtogetthere lives...so yes I am making an assumption. My point is that ethical codes very often don't address friendship.)

Originally Posted by Amelia112

Second, and please forgive me if I got that wrong - you say post-therapy friendships are possible but from what I gather, is this the first time you have seen her in a social situation? It sounds a bit like this when you describe how you talked to her for 20 minutes before you saw the movie and how it was not awkward.
If this was the first time you saw her outside therapy, then how can you call it a friendship? I mean, perhaps I am not getting the whole picture, that's entirely possible. Do you see each other a few times a month? Have you been at her house or she at yours for dinner or for a party? Have your friends met her?
What is that friendship like for you? A distant friend, a good friend, a close friend?
If it was the first time you saw her socially, how can you know that it works long term?

I have a few friends I met online as we both share the same hobby but live across the country from each other. I don't know that we will ever hang out, but that is what chatting, emailing, and the phone is for. And if you are into it, social media. I find your definition of friendship to be very narrow.

Originally Posted by Amelia112

I don't think that anybody really said that post-therapy friendships are impossible. But there are very real ethical problems if we would make it a broad suggestion that "Post-therapy friendship is absolutely fine and possible and there's nothing wrong about it"
Because the problem is not in the friendships that do work out - it's in the hundreds of thousands of friendships that do NOT work out.

Goingtogetthere never said that all friendship with every ex-therapist is fine. They were sharing their own personal story, which by no means implies that. And hundreds of thousands? Wow...that seems a bit extreme. I would think it's more likely that these friendships are not pursued at all by a lot of therapists, not that they "don't work out."

Originally Posted by Amelia112

So you're lucky - you Ex-T likes you enough to be social with you. What about those she doesn't like enough? So you're able to have a balanced friendship - what about those clients who are not able? What about those clients who want the friendship out of entirely different reasons, like simply not wanting to let go? What if a client knew their therapist was friends with another ex-client but isn't very interested in having the same friendship with them?
What if the client has some kind of obsession for the therapist (Which, let's face it, is not very uncommon!) What if the friendship happens and in a moment of need the client friend wants to have the therapist help them, not the friend who might react differently?

Therapists are supposed to be ethical (and of course, not all are). I would hope that most are when deciding what friendships to pursue once termination with a client has occurred. I don't think that a therapist decides to be friends with an ex-client just because he or she "likes" another more (it's not like kickball in elementary school). Hopefully the therapist has weighed the client's best interest as well as his or her own when making a decision. I imagine a certain amount of connection and rapport has been established in the therapeutic relationship that the therapist has determined can be continued in the friendship and be beneficial to both sides. Again, I don't see why Goingtogetthere should be held responsible for explaining the friendship they have with their therapist..."what about those she doesn't like enough?" I don't understand your point. All of your "what ifs" are up to the therapist to evaluate.

Originally Posted by Amelia112

So yes - there is always an exception to the rule - but these exceptions have to be treated like this - exceptions, not encouraging others that this is something to pursue and giving the impression that it's totally fine.
You make a judgment of sorts when you say:
"What I grapple with is the fact that so many on this board think it's wrong, unethical, damaging"
You know, these things can go horribly wrong, can be incredibly damaging and can go in incredibly unethical ways. And the truth is - in the majority of cases they DO go wrong!
There are only VERY FEW success stories around even in therapist circles, as I have found out from my therapist (who knows almost every T in my town) where a balanced friendship did happen. And these very few balanced friendships happened years after therapy ended. I believe her and I can absolutely see the downfalls of this.

An ex-client can always "pursue" (I am going to define that as "ask for") friendship with an ex-therapist, but it's up to each therapist to set the boundaries and to determine what is best in the situation.
I agree that there are probably very few cases where balanced friendships happen, but I think it's because they were never tried at all, not because they went "horribly wrong." Unless you have done an actual study, you have no idea that "the majority of cases do go wrong."