i'm in a funny mood today. i tried to write something for my t but i don't know what to say to him. i don't know him well enough... i need to look into going to another city for a couple months as well. i... i don't want to go. i'm scared. i'll have to find somewhere to live. i'll have to meet new people. i don't want to go. i don't want to leave my t. he said i could have two sessions a week next year. but maybe he has changed his mind on that anyway.

i worry that i'm boring him. i worry he is bored with me. he finds me boring. hard work. not rewarding. unexciting. dull.

i don't know what to say to him. i tried to write.

i hate myself sometimes. hate hate hate. i hate me. all this festering crap inside of me and there is nothing to be done...

except to send bob hate mail...

bad bad me

alex, i seriously doubt that your T finds you dull and boring. i don't think you can do that number...........

we all are too hard upon ourselves and we start the swirling around the drain stuff.........if you can't write, you can't write. walk off.....do something totally different. don't hurt yourself.

self-doubt is a witch. and i know of what i speak. :-) please change your routine today and do something for you........

love, pat

[biplol]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{[alex}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Don't be so hard on yourself. Give it time and maybe the funny feeling it'll last just for today, wait until tomorrow to plan anything.
Hang in there~

alexandra,

I don't think you're boring-- I find your thoughts so interesting as I bet your T. does as well. It's nice of your T. to offer to help you twice a week--IMO.

Please be careful with those self-doubting thoughts-- mine caused me to quit T. completely -- I almost made it to breaking my record of staying with anything more than three years--- but---- *sigh*-- I didn't make it-- those self doubting thoughts got way to strong! ... I just knew T. wanted me to go away and never return.

Please take that hand that reaches out to you, I'm sure he cares about you-- you are worthy and special.
and.... when you are in that new town, you can come here and talk to us-- some familiar people that care.

alexandra-

mandy

Think of the hate mail as an exercise in creative writing. That's a wonderfully healing hobby!

Em

[happyflowergirl]

(((((((Alex))))))) You are not boring in the least bit! Take care of yourself! You will be okay!

Thanks Fayerody. I think you are right, I do need to change my routine today. I haven't done anything since christmas... Just locked myself away in my room and have been watching crappy TV and playing computer games and posting on the boards... I think it is a great way to blob and de-stress, but I also think that it is fairly bad for me to do that really.

Today I'm going to go have a look at some of those post-christmas sales. Clothes shopping has a varied effect on my mood depending on whether I find something I like or not. I hate trying things on because I have a very distorted conception of my weight and I tend to buy either too big or too small. I want to get some stuff to do exercise in, though. Just in my room lol. But I want to get into doing that for an hour every day. It helps me feel better. And I really need some t-shirts (you can never have enough of those IMHO) and I kind of need some jeans... And I don't own a single pair of shorts...

And then I'm going to do some reading. I have this really good book that I need to write a critical review of but I want to go through it with a fine tooth comb and summarise all the chapters first... On with chapter three...

((((((Fayerody))))))

Hope you have a lovely day sweetie.

Thanks mandyfins. I don't know if t was serious about seeing me more than once a week... I guess we will see about that. Sounds like I need to sort out going to the other city fairly soonish, though. My supervisor was keen for me to go for 6 months, but I really do think that that is too long :-( I've said 2 months and I can look at extending it. Here I live on campus accomodation. I don't really fancy my chances of finding anything on campus for just two months right near the start of the academic year over there, however... And I'll admit I'm a bit afraid of the big city... It will be more expensive to live. I also need to see about keeping my place here (there is some provision for us to keep our rooms and not pay rent if we go on fieldwork). The ideal would be if I could come back once per week and stay for one night in my room (paying for the nights I stay) and go to Thursday seminars and see my t on Friday morning. But I don't know... I'll have to see... Might be too expensive to come back every week... Should look into applying for a top up scholarship now that my work is heading more along the lines of the sciences...

I won't quit therapy, I promise. Thanks for your response :-)

Thanks Bipol. I need to get the name and number of the contact person from my supervisor so I can't really do anything until I know about that...

I will change my routine today. I think that is what I really need to do... Need to start feeling productive again...

Thanks

Thanks Emily. I do wish my hobbies didn't have the potential to hurt others, though :-(

Hey happy. Nice to see you here :-)

Have a good day guys.

there can never be too many tee-shirts..............

Indeed :-)

And I found another one that I really really like :-)

That was a very successful retail therapy :-)

It all began with borders :-)

We have a new section of the mall that opened up just before christmas and I hadn't had much of a look around yet. Would you believe that we never used to have a borders? Well we have one now and there was a very nice sale :-)

I got:

http://www.amazon.com/History-Psychi...e=UTF8&s=books

for work because it seems to be referenced a fair bit.

And I got:

http://www.amazon.com/Mind-Brain-Neu...e=UTF8&s=books

for fun / work.

And I got:

http://www.amazon.com/Psychoanalysis...e=UTF8&s=books

for me :-)

and then I had to get myself the hell out of there!

I also found some jeans :-)

I would normally see my therapist today... That involves getting up at half five so I can get into town and get on the bus to see him at eight. Woke up not feeling so great this morning but this really helped. Shame I can't do this every week ;-)

Still... That should keep me happy for a while.

Going to the garden to read now :-)

:-)

[Rapunzel]

That should keep you busy for a while! If you find anything particularly good, please share.