[Mactastic]

Last night was tough. My T had just come back from a 2 week break and I was anxiously counting the days until his return. I usually have a bit of dread for sessions because it's difficult for me to open up but this time I was actually looking forward to it

But once I got there I clammed right up and I can't explain it. He was gentle and reassuring that it was okay (even ideal) that I shut down so tightly because all he ever asks of my is to be present and he wanted me not to judge myself for my silence.

Like a lot of us here, I struggle to make eye contact but I can do it with effort. Last night I couldn't. I stared at the bracelet I was playing with and only mustered the courage to look at him once. He did have reassuring and kind things to say but he didn't fight me to get talking and resulted in loooooong silences. At the end of session I probably looked like I was about to break and he took me 10-15 minutes over, trying to calm me down and turn off the voices in my head that were berating me for being such a failure. I had so much to say and simply couldn't utter a word. Thankfully he reminded me to email him anytime and as often as I need to. As soon as I got home I sent off one to calm myself down and it did help a little....

I don't know how I'll ever face him next week and I'm afraid I'll shut down again. Has anyone ever had a session that was 95% dead silence and managed to "come back" after that? I still don't know what came over me. Long silences are common for me (I'm reflective) but I've never had a session like that. I'm bumming pretty hard this morning.

[ahdm]

Originally Posted by Mactastic

Last night was tough. My T had just come back from a 2 week break and I was anxiously counting the days until his return. I usually have a bit of dread for sessions because it's difficult for me to open up but this time I was actually looking forward to it

But once I got there I clammed right up and I can't explain it. He was gentle and reassuring that it was okay (even ideal) that I shut down so tightly because all he ever asks of my is to be present and he wanted me not to judge myself for my silence.

Like a lot of us here, I struggle to make eye contact but I can do it with effort. Last night I couldn't. I stared at the bracelet I was playing with and only mustered the courage to look at him once. He did have reassuring and kind things to say but he didn't fight me to get talking and resulted in loooooong silences. At the end of session I probably looked like I was about to break and he took me 10-15 minutes over, trying to calm me down and turn off the voices in my head that were berating me for being such a failure. I had so much to say and simply couldn't utter a word. Thankfully he reminded me to email him anytime and as often as I need to. As soon as I got home I sent off one to calm myself down and it did help a little....

I don't know how I'll ever face him next week and I'm afraid I'll shut down again. Has anyone ever had a session that was 95% dead silence and managed to "come back" after that? I still don't know what came over me. Long silences are common for me (I'm reflective) but I've never had a session like that. I'm bumming pretty hard this morning.

I am sorry you weren't able to talk in that session - I know exactly how you feel. When I used to go to counselling, the only time I'd look at my counsellor was when she met me at the bottom of the stairs. And that was it. I couldn't look at her once during any of the sessions. It annoyed me so much, because I didn't want her to feel like I didn't like looking at her, and I started hating myself for it.

I also used to sit in very long silences with her. She'd ask me a question, and I wouldn't be able to answer. It was like there was something physically and emotionally blocking me. The majority of our sessions were spent in silence, and no matter how many times she told me that silences were okay, all I could think was that they weren't and that I was a failure. However, I didn't have the option to email her outside of sessions; I had her email address, but she'd told me not to use it. However, I did go back each week, and each week I said a little bit more. It was progress, even though it was painfully slow.

Try not to think negatively of that session - it's done now, and all you can do is try to help yourself talk in the next session. Before your therapist took his 2 week break, were you able to talk to him before? If so, what do you think is stopping you from talking now?

My advice would be to write some things down that you know you absolutely need to talk about in the next session - you don't have to get through all of them in one session, but it will help if you bring it in and either try to read from it, or give it to him to read, so he can give you a starting point. This is what I used to do a lot.

But don't forget, it is perfectly normal to feel mute in a session, and it is perfectly fine, and can even be good, to have a long silence in a session. It's not a bad thing at all.

Keep your head up high sweetie!

((((Mac)))) were you mad at him for going away for that long?
I get silent sometimes when i'm angry. Maybe start the next session with discussing how you felt about his leaving, however that might be, and things will probably get back to normal.

[AllyIsHopeful]

I'm sorry you're feeling bad after today's session. I have had a few sessions of silence that resulted in a mini breakdown at the end from being so frustrated with myself. My T would also go over in time, sometimes by a lot, to help calm me. I was definitely able to go back every time and things would continue as usual. I'm glad your T encourages you to email as much as you need so you could feel a bit of relief.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[HazelGirl]

There are times where I can barely talk all session, and my T ends up doing most of the talking. And from what I understand, the appointment after a T coming back from vacation is often the hardest. It's very normal.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by Mactastic

Last night was tough. My T had just come back from a 2 week break and I was anxiously counting the days until his return. I usually have a bit of dread for sessions because it's difficult for me to open up but this time I was actually looking forward to it

But once I got there I clammed right up and I can't explain it. He was gentle and reassuring that it was okay (even ideal) that I shut down so tightly because all he ever asks of my is to be present and he wanted me not to judge myself for my silence.

Like a lot of us here, I struggle to make eye contact but I can do it with effort. Last night I couldn't. I stared at the bracelet I was playing with and only mustered the courage to look at him once. He did have reassuring and kind things to say but he didn't fight me to get talking and resulted in loooooong silences. At the end of session I probably looked like I was about to break and he took me 10-15 minutes over, trying to calm me down and turn off the voices in my head that were berating me for being such a failure. I had so much to say and simply couldn't utter a word. Thankfully he reminded me to email him anytime and as often as I need to. As soon as I got home I sent off one to calm myself down and it did help a little....

I don't know how I'll ever face him next week and I'm afraid I'll shut down again. Has anyone ever had a session that was 95% dead silence and managed to "come back" after that? I still don't know what came over me. Long silences are common for me (I'm reflective) but I've never had a session like that. I'm bumming pretty hard this morning.

Yes, I have. I felt absolutely horrid after. I berated myself for wasting money. I berated myself for cowardice. I cried with frustration (after the session). I was angry, frustrated, worried, and just upset.

My therapist was also reassuring, she respects the process, and has faith and experience, more than I did, of course. She understood what I understand now, that all sessions are a learning experience, and sharing uncomfortable silence is still shared time. Not a catastrophe, not an ending or a beginning of an ending, just a tough session.

I did come back.

I'm so glad you're able to write emails, that's always helped me too, to get 'unchoked' after those tough sessions.

Hugs to you and comfort: it will really be alright, the relationship is still there and growing, you just had a completely understandable off day. I hate vacations.

[SabinaS]

The session back after vacation is always tough. Do you remember what you were feeling or thinking during the silence? What was your fear about opening up and speaking? Hope you are ok Mac.

PS. It's a good starting point for your next session, if you feel stuck again. x x

[RTerroni]

I had that same thing a few months back when I was having a very hard day so I asked my Therapist for a hug but she didn't give me one, after that I was pretty much silent for the rest of session.

[Mactastic]

Thanks for all the stories. I didn't know that vacations were commonly difficult. It was the first time I had to manage an extended break while I wasn't also away myself (like Christmas.) I was terribly confused. I missed him so much and then I was just frozen with fear, then shame, then anger and frustration. It was almost the first time he saw me cry but I held it together.

I mostly sat there stewing and I was a little angry. I was also saying terrible things to myself, something I'm in therapy to work on. I am not kind to myself at all I cast lots of blame and carry shame around. I had something I really needed to tell him but he stopped me, assuming I was trying to derail something difficult we were discussing, but in my head they went together. We've cleared it up (via email) and I think he'll definitely give me the chance to tell him what I couldn't last time.

My poor T spent those 45 min trying to get me to be okay with that present moment, no matter how awkward and strange it was. He might have succeeded because I'm feeling a bit better than yesterday. I'm hoping for a much better session coming up but I think I have to learn to be ok with some sessions just being hella sucky

[sweepy62]

I'm sorry you got stuck with silence, I for one am very uneasy with silence. Next week I might have one of those sessions or just leave the session.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk