Amy's Daily Journey

Thinking of you Amy and sending love and hugs. Thank you Yearning for posting. Please know you are really not alone. I think of you so much, you have touched so many people and are a very special lady. Big hugs.

I was thinking the other day that your daily journey and the input from others outside psychcentral demonstrates the amazing capacity of social media/internet to bring individuals together. I've been on psychcentral a long time and have found it to be really supportive at times when I've not had anyone I could talk to in person. So I'm sorry you felt hurt and disappointed and perhaps abandoned with your pain. I can relate to how much that can hurt, especially reaching out and feeling as though no one is reaching back.

I wonder about how you battled against your feelings of hurt and the fear that you don't have the right to feel that way when you know you're loved. Although completely different from your circumstances, I can relate to those feelings of knowing in my head one thing but my heart another and how hard it is to connect the two sometimes.

It is hard to hear that you are in pain and perhaps the lack of words from others signifies that they feel nothing they say can really express the depth of how they feel. I'm not a big fan of words myself (despite how many I use!)...but as a writer you have the ability to conjure them in ways I lack!

Loved your story!

hugs amy

Hi Amelia, just wanted to say your not alone. I couldn't find your post today (& yesterday) & got worried. I always worry when I don't see your posts - not sure how I'll feel if I actually don't find your daily posts (dont really want to think about that).

Although I don't really know you, I do feel a connection with you & talk about your posts with my family sometimes. Also, I would like you to know, that because of my social anxiety (which i was in therapy for 2 years - will be going onto group therapy soon) I have NEVER reached out in the same way before (so its quite a big deal for me) but there was something about you and your story that made me want to connect with you. So Amelia dont feel alone or that no one has reached out, for me at least, sometimes I want to say so much but just don't know how. With love & prayers xx

Yearning, thanks for your message. Amelia, gentle hugs.

Hi Amelia,

When I wake up in the morning and turn on my computer, the first thing I do is look for your daily message on PC. I don't respond because words fail me. But I'm here and so are many other people.

Let me tell you a little story about our cat, Niko. We met a year ago when he was a six-week old kitten. I was volunteering with an animal rescue group as a foster cat mama. The first time I met him, he was this wee little thing, barely a handful. He was ugly, with puffy brown fur and goldfish eyes. But what struck me was his fearlessness. As I held him, he looked boldly into my eyes, without a trace of anxiety or fear. And then he started clambering up my arm and shoulder.

The first day I took him home, I intended to keep him enclosed in the small office where I worked. (Little kittens are usually scared of big spaces.) But Niko immediately wanted to explore, so I let him. Later that evening, as I was sitting on the bathroom floor washing his foster sister with a wet cloth, this little kitten did this huge flying leap from the floor onto my shoulder! I have never been so startled in my life! It hurt because his little claws were as sharp as pins. That's when I knew this little cat was special (and I have the scars to prove it).

We ended up adopting Niko a few weeks later. At that time, I decided that a cat so without fear should experience as much as possible in this lifetime. So far, he has learned to walk on a leash, eaten dozens of foods (he's eating watermelon right now), gone down a slide at the park, played on my iPad, climbed trees, taken car rides with us, had his rear end sniffed by a dog, walked in the rain, and met many people. We celebrated his first birthday by placing armfuls of packaging paper floor and letting him romp in the pile.

Every day, Niko spends most of his time lolling in the sun and perched at the window, chattering at the birds. Every night, we play him. His favorite games are hide and seek and tag. And that's the story of Niko.

I hope you are feeling better.

Amelia...I read your posts daily but find it so hard to write words... I think of you and pray for you often....

Okay Amelia, I've got to lay some blame on you — Chocolate! I had a small amount a few days ago...yum. I hadn't had any all year, but have been dying for a chocolate milkshake for months, but passed, because of lactose intolerance. Well, yesterday, I indulged and now I sit here laughing and f***ing, in between the stomach pains, and racing down the hall to the bathroom. My kiddo has resurrected the safety/doorknob game of his youth and I'm loosing badly. At least the aroma has gotten him off video gaming that he's not to be doing on school nights. He thinks senioritis trumps all house rules at this special time in his life.

So, that's where we are at this evening. I hope your day tomorrow brings you many bursts of sunshine.

With Love,

GTGT

sending you all our love its all we have to give ♥

"Day #16

Well, the first thing I have to say is thank you for all your kind messages yesterday. You know, I didn't mean to guilt you into writing something! I just wanted to be honest how it made me feel being left alone with the part of the journey that is not so easy.
But thank you so much for all your kind emails, messages, encouragements and love.

I didn't feel well at all yesterday and I am not feeling well today either. I think I have to finally accept that there will be less and less good days. And I grieve every day that passes.
Suddenly time becomes so very precious. It becomes much more purposeful and meaningful.

So many things I held onto, some anger, some fear, some memories - suddenly they don't matter that much any more. And I wonder how much they ever really mattered and why I kept holding on to them with such a tight grip. It makes me wonder what purpose they held.
And I realize that we all do things in life to elicit a certain response from the world, whether we are conscious about it or not.
When I held on to my past, to my sad and painful memories - it was because I feared that they will fade without anyone ever seeing them. Without anyone ever be outraged about them.
When I held on to loneliness, I probably did it because I needed people to help me out of it, prove to me that they are there for me no matter what.
When I held on to pains of the past, I probably did it because without it I would question my life. Without it, who was I? Without it, how could anyone see them, ease them, love me out of them?

Now, these days, I realize how much I identified with my past and how much I made myself a victim over and over by not letting go of certain things. I realize how much of my identity in reality was detached from my past and my past struggles.
Just because I wasn't loved as a child certainly didn't mean I wasn't lovable. And it also didn't mean I wasn't loved as an adult. Because I was. I was and I am so loved. And if it was only one person who truly loved me, then I would be absolutely happy and satisfied. Because I believe that's all it needs sometimes. One person in our lives who loves us completely and without reservation.

I hope you have that one person in your lives. And for those who don't, for today I will be that one person who loves you so completely and without condition or reservation.

Have a nice day,

Much love,
A"

thank you for continuing to share with us we love you♥

Thank you, Amy. Your words are a treasure. I hope you have some pain-free hours today. I love you.

Rainbow

... forgive me, but thats all I can post as I am lost for words and I even looove long sentences;-) ....Yours at least. Thanks for letting us be a part of your journey and sharing your wise thoughts. You are a true inspiration and touch sooo many of us, by being YOU.

Amelia,

Thank you for the very wise things you shared about holding onto past grief, anger, and pain. I have been doing this and losing years and years of the present moment as a result. I will keep your words in mind as I work to resolve my issues, find peace and love in the present, and let go of my traumatic past history. That last thing you said, about being the one person who will love us, made me cry. I don't have any truly close friends at all, and the closest one is through email exchanges. So your offer of friendship and acceptance, although you don't even know me, means a whole lot to me.

I'm sorry you didn't get the support you needed earlier. I'm glad you told us too. It helps us realize that when people we care about are suffering, we don't want to close ourselves off because WE can't deal with OUR OWN internal discomfort about the situation. We need to be willing to stay open to the experience of being there for others, even when it is difficult for us. We know that, if we were in that same situation of needing support and encouragement, we would want others to continue to support us.

I wish much peace for you.

Peaches

Amy, thank you for sharing. I have been reading your posts for a while. They are truly inspiring.

Just wanted to let you know that was a real touching and inspiring entry. It made me tear up.

Thank you Amy. You always write such thoughtful and insightful posts. I feel such a connection to you. Thank you so much for being so honest with us. You are a very special lady. Thank you so much for letting us join you on your journey. I hope today will be a good day for you dear friend. Love always.

Hello AmysJourney,

How are you today?

Just wanted to let you know that I do not write here often but I always read what you write and am thinking about you...

I send you as much positive energy as I can gather

"Day #17

Did you know that my goal is to make it to day #30? Yes, that is what I am striving for
Well, just FYI, haha.

I was thinking, when I lay awake at 2am that I want to write something meaningful today. You know, one of these emails that make you all fuzzy in your stomach and give you that huge epiphany you needed today.

Well, I think I may not deliver, because my head is full with a song I can't get out of it. I heard it again last night and it keeps echoing inside me over and over. It's "Voice of Truth" from Casting Crowns. Yeah, you know I am a Christian so I am kind of a sucker for songs that sing of faith but are not exactly hymns.
This song has gripped me tightly around my heart, it doesn't let go of me and I don't seem to be able to let go of it.
It sings about how we often are told lies by this life, telling us we are too weak, too insignificant, to unlovable. It sings about all the voices around us who tell us that we will never win, that we will always fail.
But it says that there is a "Voice of Truth" that we can actually choose to listen to.
The Voice of Truth is telling us that we are loved, that we are able, that we are not alone, that we are not worthless.
For us Christians the Voice of Truth is God's voice, but even for people who are not Christians, this really is true as well.

I suffered a lot believing all the voices in my life. As a child I was called a *****, worthless, unlovable, a demon, despicable. The voices of life told me I would never be loved, I would never be successful, I would never be happy, I was better off not being in this life and so much more.
It took so long to recognize that most of the voices I heard until I entered adult life, were lies. But for me there were truths because how could they not be, everything in my life was proof that they were true.

But then, when as an adult, I had this incredible epiphany. I worked with sexually abused children and there was this one little girl, 8 years old, who would never take part in any activities. She would watch everyone closely, I could see her eyes widening and I could sense her desire to be part of the activities. What I saw in her eyes was heartbreaking. I went over to her and asked her if I could hold her hand. She nodded almost unnoticeable. So I held her hand in both of my hands and looked at her and asked her really gently if she was sad about something. I didn't take my eyes off her, I wanted her to know that I wasn't pretending, that I was right there with her. She said she was afraid that she would not be good at the creative stuff we were working on. She told me that her mother told her she is useless at everything and she doesn't deserve to live because she was so useless.
That broke my heart into a thousand pieces. This little girl could have been me, I was told the same, I had to deal with the same lies over and over.
After listening to her for a while I grabbed a piece of paper and a red, a yellow and a black pen. I asked her what colour she liked best out of these three. I expected her to say black but her eyes started to twinkle when she smiled and said: YELLOW.
She drew the most perfect yellow rose I have ever seen a child her age draw. I was stunned - this little girl had amazing talent and yet she believed the voices around her that she was absolutely useless.

It was that moment that I found compassion for myself and I started to reject the lies I had been told and I started to look for the voices of truth.
And I found the voices that spoke the truth.
I believe now that I was lovable, that I have a kind heart, that I am smart and able to do whatever I want to do. I believe now that my life is worth something, that not all people are bad, that I am not a failure even though I failed sometimes.

So this song today, it reminds me of that and perhaps it grips so tightly around my heart because I needed it today. Because I needed to find the Voice of Truth again.

Haha, perhaps this was a meaningful email after all! Who knows?

Have a wonderful day,

A"

Yes it was very meaningful! Thank you for sharing. You write so beautifully and with such wisdom.

With love

Moon xx

A....I listened to the song on you-tube.... Sometimes its hard to believe the voices of truth when you've been told lies for so long....

I appreciated the reminder....

It is meaningful to me.

I listen to that song all the time in my car - especially after a difficult therapy session or when I'm feeling especially low. I agree that it doesn't have to be only for Christians; for me I find it comforting to think that perhaps outside my own critical voice there is a greater truth which sometimes (lots of times) I cannot see/hear because I'm too stuck in my self reproaching trivialities.

No one ever said nasty things about me, nor do I necessarily believe that I am worthless when I'm not over-emotional....but somewhere in me (and I genuinely wonder at times if it is simply existential angst), I feel really alone. The song helps me feel less alone.

You say not all people are bad. I cannot understand people very well so I'm confused a lot. Someone can do/say something horrible but not necessarily be all bad. But then when do you accept they're essentially a good person having a bad day, and when do you say that's not acceptable to me, and when do you do neither but walk away?! Obviously I'm not talking in respect to those people/times that are obviously horrid and abusive. I find it hard understanding how/why good people can do bad things and that it is not ever really anything about me. Isn't that very egotistical to continue to think that way....especially as I know I do the same too, but it still confuses me. I even find it hard knowing good people can have different opinions from each other - it's silly but I find it hard to understand how someone feels when they happily state their differing opinion and don't feel they have to be the same or be aggressive with it. Sometimes if I say something that I think might be different from what everyone else is saying but I risk it, my heart rate leaps rapidly and I start shaking...even though generally I wouldn't be considered shy! It's hard because I think I have the intelligence to understand this yet I still can't seem to after a long time trying. Gosh, sorry for the ramble again.

What colour pen would you have picked at her age? And what do you think you would have drawn?

I like your goal!

Many thanks, Amy. This felt so very apt for me today. So very meaningful. Thank you so much for your amazingly meaningful posts. Hope you're having a good day? Big hugs. Xx

I would have chosen the black pen. I would have drawn a huge monster with big teeth and big claws. And I would have taken the red pen to draw a broken heart right in the monsters chest.
Because I believed I was a monster! Why else would anyone treat me as they did? If I wasn't so awful and ugly why would people tell me I was all the time?
My world as an eight year old was believing that I deserved everything that happened because I had stolen my mother's husband, I caused her to feel lonely and unloved. She was angry with me all the time and as an eight year old I thought I deserved her anger and her punishment.

But of course, these were lies, cruel and awful lies. But I only found out that they were lies much later when I found out how to emotionally separate myself from the people who hurt me so badly.

But I think, somewhere on the picture would probably also be a a yellow sun with a smiling face. Perhaps small, somewhere in the corner.

Much love,
Amelia

Thank you Aloneandafraid,
I am having an okayish day. I slept a lot because I feel overwhelmed by tiredness but I also enjoy being awake. I try to find good things to do and to feel and that helps. How are you today? I hope you had a good day. I am thinking about you a lot.

Much love,
Amelia