[HazelGirl]

So...for some reason, I become very anxious and afraid whenever someone responds to my moments of vulnerability with love, care, commitment, and compassion. You would think I would feel relieved, but it terrifies me every time. I just want to run from everyone who is caring or empathetic towards me when they see my vulnerable side. It's like I want them to react negatively and I get scared when they react positively.

What is going on? Anyone else relate?

[shezbut]

I can relate a lot, yes.

[Chartres]

Yep, me too.

[Favorite Jeans]

I think anything unfamiliar can be scary and hard to trust. I have at times felt that my T was gullible or something for believing me--although I was telling the truth--because I kind of felt like the appropriate response would be to tell me that it didn't happen that way. I have also been annoyed with her for not telling me to grow up and get over myself. Of course if she ever said "FJ, grow up and get over yourself!" I'd be extremely upset. Sometimes she can't win.

Sometimes I also mistrust her kindness and compassion and wonder if she's playing good cop trying to get something out of me. Or like she suddenly started speaking to me in another language and I'm all confused.

[lightcatcher]

Me too. If they we're mean to me that would be familiar and acceptable- niceness and care is not in my 'world' as such. It's something I want to learn, swap that around so care and niceness is familiar and acceptable and the other stuff isn't.
Figure it will just take time.

[Aloneandafraid]

I just wish i could get some form someone.

[sweepy62]

I can relate 100 percent, not only do I get scared, but I automatically want to push them away, not literally, I do this alot in therapy and real life, I feel like , they have pity on me or see my as weak or something, In fact in therapy, I get angry at my t, I dont tell her, but she notices, because I get frustrated, I just tell my story, I dont want any feedback of, oh Im sorry , or any empathy, or any other whatever it is they do to make you feel better. It truly makes me feel like something very foreign to me, like a virus is entering my body.

I prefer I tell my story, and move right along.

[JaneC]

Yep, me too. I also get quite emotional and that is just too embarrassing when I cant Hide it

Its scares me because:
I don't think I deserve it
I'm not used to it
I wonder what they want from me
Someone will get close and then hurt me

I hope all that changes, eventually. Its not much fun

[Freewilled]

Yes - I tend to get angry. I think it's partly because I don't trust it and think it's manufactured. I also expect that if I take it in, he will take it back and tell me to grow up (maybe not in so many words)....it's actually something I just told him recently and he said its a very important insight. But I don't really know how to stop it. I would rather not feel this way but it is what it is, I guess. I feel like I need to trust him already. Times a ticking.....

[nottrustin]

This happens frequently with me. For me it is because am afraid of allowing myself to trust and get close to people. I have a very hard time trusting what people say. I wonder if what they say is real or just "the right thing" to say. As a child I learned what people say and what they do are two totally different things.

[Anouk]

Maybe you dont believe that you are worth love, care, commitment, and compassion? You dont think you deserve it or you think that someone who gives you those things will want something back for it -- some obligation that you do not want to give or feel they are trying to get to you some how.

I am sorry you are going through this.

I would say that you do need to get to the bottom of these feelings. Get yourself a piece of paper and sit there and ask yourself 'what am I afraid of?' then 'why?' -- Write down the answers and then keep asking yourself why and write those answers down too. It is kind of how kids keep asking why why why -- keep asking yourself why you feel afraid and what the worst thing is that could happen if you accepted that love, care and compassion from someone else.

Good luck. This is a tough one

[ShiningLight]

When people respond to me with sympathy or kindness, I feel like I've somehow manipulated them into being that way. It's like I don't actually deserve it. If only they'd realize what they were doing, they would take it back.

I guess it takes a long time to get to the point where I can feel worthy. My T says that you learn by experiencing. Over time, receiving understanding and kindness will feel normal or something. Here's to hoping!

[junkDNA]

when i was young...around 10 years old..my dad died. i always felt so uncomfortable when ppl would talk to me about it or try to support me. i tried my hardest not to cry at hte funeral because i didnt want others to think i was sad and then try to be caring towards me. i figure it was from not having emotionally avaliable parents growing up. so the caring was so foreign to me it felt like a threat. now i have an easier time when people show they care about me. i have learned to accept that i deserve to be cared about.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Yup, can totally relate. I hate feeling or appearing vulnerable, and I think when people show care or compassion towards me, I feel more vulnerable. I also feel guilty - like I don't deserve the care/compassion. I feel like I'm not worthy of it, or that someone else deserves it more. I hate being the center of attention, and it feels like when someone is showing compassion or care, all their attention is focused on me. That's frightening to me. It's also "wrong" based on my history. I'm not the one that's supposed to get all the attention. That was the other people in my family. I'm the one that's supposed to give attention to others, not receive it.

I know it's a skewed way of thinking, and I'm working on changing it, but it's so hard, especially when interactions with my family reinforce the old ways of thinking.

[HazelGirl]

You all gave me a lot of stuff to think about. Thank you! I will bring this up today at my appointment and talk it over with my T.

[A Red Panda]

Everything in this thread is soooo true for me too.

I'm used to being the giver... not the reciever. I'm used to just giving and giving and not having anything back... so if someone gives me care and kindness, I freak out wondering "what are they expecting from me? What am I supposed to do? I don't know what they want!". I really, really, question their motives.. because why would someone ever just care for me without expecting something in return? That's how my brain rolls. I don't trust that there is no ulterior motive, and then I feel a lot of shame for feeling like that.

[peaches100]

I also relate very much to this issue.