[angelicgoldfish05]

I'm in a dark place. I did just begin therapy with a new t this week. Ex-t had replied to an email back at the end of January that I should see someone else.

Now I am backsliding. I feel like ex-t abandoned me, but did he if he said in an email to see someone else? I feel like he rejected me and gave up on me and left me.

And I feel indescribably horrible. So what do you guys think, what does it mean when someone abandons you?

[SoupDragon]

l think in the case of T's it can be about them and possible lack of skills to help someone. l am wondering what your ex T was responding to in your email?

[growlycat]

T may have had personal problems that were urgent to take care of. Did T ever say why he was terminating? Was he moving out of state?

Did T offer any termination sessions? If not, that is bad form on the T's part.

[Bill3]

And I feel indescribably horrible.

What if you discussed your feelings of abandonment with your new T?

[HazelGirl]

It does sound like your T abandoned you. They need to have at least one termination session, and need to give you recommendations and referrals to new T's. If he didn't do either of those things, he technically abandoned you.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

l think in the case of T's it can be about them and possible lack of skills to help someone. l am wondering what your ex T was responding to in your email?

He was replying to me saying that I was feeling doomed. Last thing he ever wrote to me in an email was:

If you find yourself stuck feeling doomed, I would encourage you to talk with someone in your area. I know that there are plenty of good people down there and would encourage you to reach out to them.

I do not believe he lacks the skills, he has many years of experience. I'm not sure what his explaination is. I wish I did know. I do live in a different town from him now, although I was willing to travel to see him. I guess this was not what he wanted - he would rather me see someone else. So I finally did this.

ETA: If I'm really honest, what I most would like to know is if he still cares about me, or if he ever loved me, and what his feelings for me were/are. I guess what I want is the truth, no matter what.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by growlycat

T may have had personal problems that were urgent to take care of. Did T ever say why he was terminating? Was he moving out of state?

Did T offer any termination sessions? If not, that is bad form on the T's part.

He never said why. I wasn't technically in therapy with him, he had agreed to meet up with me after I contacted him 2 years ago. He had been my t as a teen and we had kept in touch (over a span of 16 years now) and so no we did not have "termination sessions." He didn't even say goodbye or that he was leaving, I just assume he has since I haven't heard from him, and because of my horribleness and neediness, not to mention all my transference. I scared him away. My new t picked up on this right away. When he asked if I had been attracted to my ex-t, and I said yes, new t said that ex-t must have been scared.

For all I know, maybe he has moved out of state by now. Maybe he ran like h*** to get as far away from me as possible.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by Bill3

What if you discussed your feelings of abandonment with your new T?

That's a good plan. Thanks Bill! In the last session I had with new t, he just acknowledged the feelings of abandonment I must be feeling with my ex-t. But we didn't really talk about it further than just naming that there were feelings of abandonment. I feel like I want to learn more about what it is though, I don't know much about what it is or means, or even if that is what it is.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

It does sound like your T abandoned you. They need to have at least one termination session, and need to give you recommendations and referrals to new T's. If he didn't do either of those things, he technically abandoned you.

Well, he kind of referred me to "another person in my area." We didn't have a termination session. Last time I saw him was on a track and I don't even remember it that well, or what he last said or anything. Now I wish I could remember.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by angelicgoldfish05

Well, he kind of referred me to "another person in my area." We didn't have a termination session. Last time I saw him was on a track and I don't even remember it that well, or what he last said or anything. Now I wish I could remember.

That's not a referral. A referral is giving you the name and number of another specific T that you might work better with and giving that T your file (with your permission) so they can continue the work where he left off. That's not what happened in your case. And not having any termination sessions is hugely unethical for exactly the reasons you're suffering with now. Can you bring this up with your T?

[UnderRugSwept]

Originally Posted by angelicgoldfish05

He never said why. I wasn't technically in therapy with him, he had agreed to meet up with me after I contacted him 2 years ago. He had been my t as a teen and we had kept in touch (over a span of 16 years now) and so no we did not have "termination sessions." He didn't even say goodbye or that he was leaving, I just assume he has since I haven't heard from him, and because of my horribleness and neediness, not to mention all my transference. I scared him away. My new t picked up on this right away. When he asked if I had been attracted to my ex-t, and I said yes, new t said that ex-t must have been scared.

For all I know, maybe he has moved out of state by now. Maybe he ran like h*** to get as far away from me as possible.

I guess this is what confuses me...termination sessions are, as others have stated here, usual in an "ethical" termination (barring unforeseen circumstances). But you say here that you weren't "technically in therapy with him?" How many times did you meet with him before he said you should meet with someone in your area? I guess I am trying to understand the nature of the relationship.

Regardless, I can tell you are in pain and I hope you are able to work through this with your new T.

[Amandasmom]

My exT abandon me too. It hurts. It's horrible. But there's other Ts available. I had many discussions with my new T about exT. As time goes on, you will heal and forget about exT. My advice, go find another T!! They are not all horrible and not all will abandon u. Good luck!

Your weren't technically in therapy with him and haven't even seen him in several years. It isn't really that he has abandoned you; he's just recommending that you find a permanent therapist rather than relying on him, who is apparently a ways away (and you aren't even sure where he is). You also have a new therapist now, so this isn't really about an old therapist leaving you high and dry. This sounds like you are just feeling a loss from an old T that was important to you. He's right in saying you need to work through this with a T in your area, your current T. It isn't something the old T can probably help you with from that great a distance in time and place. You feel abandoned, but it doesn't sound like he technically, professionally, abandoned you at all.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

Your weren't technically in therapy with him and haven't even seen him in several years. It isn't really that he has abandoned you; he's just recommending that you find a permanent therapist rather than relying on him, who is apparently a ways away (and you aren't even sure where he is). You also have a new therapist now, so this isn't really about an old therapist leaving you high and dry. This sounds like you are just feeling a loss from an old T that was important to you. He's right in saying you need to work through this with a T in your area, your current T. It isn't something the old T can probably help you with from that great a distance in time and place. You feel abandoned, but it doesn't sound like he technically, professionally, abandoned you at all.

Well, this is a lot different. I somehow missed that you weren't actually seeing him. No, that's not abandonment (although it might feel that way). He thinks you need more help than what he can provide. That's good for you, even though it is painful.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Yeah, I only saw him a couple times, made life altering decisions upon his suggestions. Poured out all the mess of who I am to him. He didn't even say goodbye. I don't know professionally but if he is any kind of person who has a heart, you just don't do that to people.

I hope new t can help.

[Beatzen]

Originally Posted by angelicgoldfish05

Yeah, I only saw him a couple times, made life altering decisions upon his suggestions. Poured out all the mess of who I am to him. He didn't even say goodbye. I don't know professionally but if he is any kind of person who has a heart, you just don't do that to people.

I hope new t can help.

Angelic,
He, IMO, should have at least followed up with a phone call with some specific names and numbers. I am sorry you feel hurt.
For what it's worth, one person should not treat another like that. I hope you can share your feelings with your new therapist and work through that feeling of abandonment. It would certainly feel like abandonment to me. But I am too sensitive.
Keep trying with your new therapist. What ever the reasons, your past therapist is not good for you right now. Be well. It's not your fault.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[AllyIsHopeful]

I wouldn't interpret "feeling doomed" to "feeling stuck". Those are two different issues. I recall your story with your ex-T and a lot of the strong emotions around it. I need help refreshing my memory, though. Did he cut of communication with you entirely? Are you able to contact him once in a while to "check in"?

I wouldn't see this as your ex-T abandoning you. Sometimes we outgrow people and it's hard. He probably realized this and felt he was making the best decision for you and your well-being. It may not feel that way, but I'm sure he had good intentions. I know that abandoned feeling sucks either way. Whether it is the case or it isn't, the feeling is still very real and requires some serious coping skills.

I hope you could find closure and process all of this with your new Therapist. You may end up connecting with this T and see that this all happened for a reason.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by Beatzen

Angelic,
He, IMO, should have at least followed up with a phone call with some specific names and numbers. I am sorry you feel hurt.
For what it's worth, one person should not treat another like that. I hope you can share your feelings with your new therapist and work through that feeling of abandonment. It would certainly feel like abandonment to me. But I am too sensitive.
Keep trying with your new therapist. What ever the reasons, your past therapist is not good for you right now. Be well. It's not your fault.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Yeah I'm way sensitive too. Thanks for your reply. It actually helps to hear you say that it's not my fault. Because we can't help who we love or how we feel about them. Maybe if I'm able to work through things with a new t and "get better" so to speak, I'll be able to clear things up with my old t. You are right that whatever the reasons, the past t is not good for me right now.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by AllyIsHopeful

I wouldn't interpret "feeling doomed" to "feeling stuck". Those are two different issues. I recall your story with your ex-T and a lot of the strong emotions around it. I need help refreshing my memory, though. Did he cut of communication with you entirely? Are you able to contact him once in a while to "check in"?

I wouldn't see this as your ex-T abandoning you. Sometimes we outgrow people and it's hard. He probably realized this and felt he was making the best decision for you and your well-being. It may not feel that way, but I'm sure he had good intentions. I know that abandoned feeling sucks either way. Whether it is the case or it isn't, the feeling is still very real and requires some serious coping skills.

I hope you could find closure and process all of this with your new Therapist. You may end up connecting with this T and see that this all happened for a reason.

Hi Ally, thanks for your reply. Yes, this is the ex-t with all those strong emotions lol! He last emailed me at the end of January, saying to see someone else in my area. That's the last I heard from him. I then continued to email him, and write him letters.

I've since quit emailing him for a month now, but I've still sent him a few letters. I'm going to send a card for father's day. I still want to update him and he has never told me to stop contacting him.

He once said that it was always nice to hear from me. But then again, he also told me that I was the only one he would see, then he just never said anything else about it. Well there is more to it, actually, he did say we would have to get together and then I told him, NO he can't see me like this - meaning that he couldn't see me as the total mess I was in at the time... Then I moved away... So I think I was the one who was scared, even though my new t already has taken old t's side saying that old t must have been scared... Because I was attracted to old t... which, if I think about it, both sides of this story are probably true... Truth is somewhere in the middle of two sides of a story.. So the truth is, we were both probably scared...

Then, end of January, he quit replying to my emails (which I understand why I guess - he was scared and had to protect himself- his job, family, relationships... if you are not seeing this younger, female person as a therapy patient, why stay in contact with them? Especially if they are attracted to you - that is like playing with fire. What must his wife or coworkers think? But why couldn't he have just TOLD me this??). So I don't know if I can trust him or what he says, although I told him I trust him with my life (and I do - because I feel I need to and feel compelled to trust this person - I really need this person to be trustworthy). So maybe abandonment is not the right word for it, but it is a huge loss to me. It maybe just feels like abandonment. I have been grieving over him so painfully for so long now. Which is really stupid cause you can't know your therapist that well. He did share himself a little, but now he has closed up and I've pushed him so far away so effectively and he has distanced himself pretty much beyond the point or repairing this relationship probably. Not that there's anything in it for him or any reason he would want to repair a relationship with me. And besides, I'm the one who F^#$ed it up. So it will be up to me to fix it. So hence, more therapy. New t. Hoping it WON'T take YEARS.

Definitely feels like abandonment... Except I'm the one who ran away because I was scared of this person seeing me. Then, after I ran away, I wrote him a bunch and he probably felt helpless to do anything about how I was feeling (often suicidal, or doomed, or hopeless, or defeated, or giving up on myself and life and everything - in short, depressed). So then it makes sense for him just to give up on me as well, and to just tell me to see someone else then.

[precaryous]

Originally Posted by angelicgoldfish05

I'm in a dark place. I did just begin therapy with a new t this week. Ex-t had replied to an email back at the end of January that I should see someone else.

Now I am backsliding. I feel like ex-t abandoned me, but did he if he said in an email to see someone else? I feel like he rejected me and gave up on me and left me.

And I feel indescribably horrible. So what do you guys think, what does it mean when someone abandons you?

If you feel abandoned, then you were. Perception is reality.

He should have given you a termination appointment and offered to refer you to someone else. If he had an emergency or an illness, etc., he should have explained that to you.