Does a T need to have "hope" for their clients?

I was discussing this with my t just last week. First thing I told her was that I changed my mind about becoming a t because I am not happy enough and don't have enough hope, she laughed and said if only that was the only requirement. She said that a therapists job is not to have hope or to save but to be able to sit with another human being through their suffering and go the whole way with them until they are able to walk alone again. She said it's about understanding another's pain. So personally I don't think a t has to have hope and it would be unethical of them to promise something they can't keep or know for sure.

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I think the real issue for me is that I don't want to know if a T has hope or not... I don't want to know if a T likes me or not... I don't want to know if a T cares about me or not...

Therapy is supposed to be about me and I do a very good job (told by 2 Ts) of keeping it about me... but as soon as they open their mouth about any of the above things... in my head it becomes about what I will do to disappoint them or for them not to feel that way... I've told the last one that I don't want to know anything about you...other than are you married and do you have children... and that is so I know if they can relate to my real life issues with real life experience?

Perhaps you are reading more into the statement about having "hope" for you than she meant. Sometimes I may say something along the lines of "There may just be hope for you yet" to my kids (genetic and otherwise). It isn't a statement that I never had hope. It's just a kind of praise/encouragement for whatever they've said/done, etc. at that moment. It isn't meant as a deep, meaning-filled comment. It is just an off-the-cuff remark. Could your T have made the statement just as a quick reply rather than a deep, meaning-filled observation? Is it possible you are giving that one sentence way more weight than was really intended?

Except that she said, after that question, there may be hope. I think it was judgy.

Eta - not necessarily a deal breaker, but definitely needs to be talked about. Not just swept under the rug. If onlyas a learning experience for the t.

Oh that is very possible but i dont want to have a T who makes off the cuff remarks....how will I know which are sincere and which arent?

Also isnt there a saying about things said in jest are usually meant to be truth....

I spent my whole life having to interpret comments, intentions and motives of a dysfunctional family.... I want a T who says what they mean and mean what they say...and i am not a serious stick in the mud....I dont think I've had but one or two sessions in the last 3 years were my Ts and I didnt laugh....

I dont think this is the right T for me. I will give some thought to what to do but not starting therapy again for atleast a couple of months.

Well, this therapist isn't your dysfunctional family right? Of course you had to interpret what they said, but those days are over correct? They may feel very much not over, but they are.

The people around you are not your family. People make off the cuff remarks, and I think they have a right to do so. The person in front of me didn't hurt me. My family did. Different people.

Odds are, the person in front of me hold intentions that are wholly benign, if not outright supportive. Am I so fragile that it has to be put to me in a certain way?

It's a real stretch to extend to others the right to be themselves, and accept and tolerate that, in our eyes, they may not be perfect, but this imperfection is not there to hurt us.

After a lot of years of reflection and more than a little projection on my part, I've learned that the person in front of me is the person in front of me. They will never ever be fully versed in all of the things that upset me and can never NOT do them.

It's unfair of me to ask them that.

It's unfair that doing that might keep me from a truly wonderful and meaningful relationship.

In the end, it's a trade off that's more than worth it.

My first emotional reaction when I read what your t said was, wow, that must feel good the t is really impressed with the deep question you asked. When I read how you felt about it (obviously very different), I thought your reaction made sense and maybe I'm too cynical in that I just expect people not to have hope a lot of the time. Or maybe I assumed the t was joking a bit about not having hope. I don't know- obviously you were there and have a better sense of the context and her tone of voice, etc. And now that I read you comments and everyone else's comments, I don't think the t should have said it the way she did. But I shared my initial reaction anyway, in case the t meant it the way I took it and didn't realize how else it might come across. I guess she should have realized how else it might come across, anyway. But I don't know if it makes you feel any better about her if that might have been a mistake she made.

I don't like it that her questions at the end seemed shallow when you had a deeper issue to discuss. On the other hand, maybe it was a good thing your first session seemed to move quickly though. But I'd probably still give her another try if scheduling and her fee are not too big of an issue. Then again, if it's easy to try another therapist, I might do that instead. Just a few sessions in, I guess a lot of it is still about convenience.

i do think a T needs to have hope for their clients. i mean, what would be the purpose of seeing them if they didn't? if a T really didn't think they could help they should refer the client to someone other T. having hope for the client doesn't mean the client will necessarily grow though. the client has to do the work and they need to have a good fit and working relationship with the T, etc. etc. if a T can't believe in the client, especially when the client may not yet believe in herself, then i'd think that T is not a good fit.

in your specific situation RTS i guess it would really depend on her tone and body language of how she said it to get an idea of what she meant. if it was said jokingly or with a smile like she's really impressed with you that would be one thing, but if it was more serious or doubting then i know i wouldn't feel comfortable with her. i think it is fine to give her another chance and ask her why she said that and observe her response. it would probably tell you what you need to know about her.

I agree that it is possible your T may have just been making an off the cuff remark and might not have had much deep meaning behind it. But given the nature of therapy, I don't it's appropriate in the second session to make such off the cuff remarks.

xxx

It seems sensible to give her the benefit of the doubt, but I don't blame you for not going back to her. Using the word "actually" in that context denotes an element of surprise. Even if that wasn't what she meant, she doesn't appear very sure of herself (?). I might not feel safe with her because of that. Flakey people trigger me!

Very provocative question...

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