Sly things that therapists do, such as chair placement

My T knew we were going to have an intense session. One could say that the past year of therapy had been leading up to this recent session.

When I walked in, I noticed that her chair was slightly closer to mine. (We sit face to face. It makes me squirm.)

I kept trying to push back but my back was up against the wall!

What sort of tricks do you pick up on that T's use?

See, I think that so many things in therapy are calculated.

Ideas that I have picked up on:

--Box of tissue placement, out of reach in the first session so T can offer them to you. Within reach in future sessions.

--Making sure there is little evidence of the previous client besides the tissue trash can.

--Handling payment at the beginning of session so you aren't trying to pay while crying at the end.

--The phrases they use to end the session. "Let's talk about when I see you next." Or, "We are out of time." Or, "Was this a helpful session?" Or simply grabbing the appointment book.

--Clock placement behind the client's head so the T can watch the time.

--A couch that is lower than the therapist's chair. (This should've been my first clue that my first T was awful.)

--Lighting

--Showing caring by asking the client if the temperature is comfortable. (This floored me. It really actually touched me because it is T's office and she asked me if I'd like it warmer or colder.)

--Showing the client to the door. Standing up as the client exits.

What do you notice?

My first regular T I saw while I was very ill. Because warmth hurt, she would open the window as soon as her previous client was gone and she was doing paperwork, and leave it open until I was gone. I was really touched by that.

Because of the warmth-pain association I still have (although my leg was amputated two years ago) cold grounds me and calms me. My current T makes sure the room isn't too warm when we are discussing trauma, even though she's always cold. She'll put on a jacket just so she can lower the temperature! I'm really, really touched by that.

My T wears his watch with the face of the watch on the inside of his wrist so he can catch the time without making it obvious.

My T always escorts me right to the front door of the building when I leave, talking to me the whole time and encouraging me. It's a nice, personal touch I like.

My T also knows I'm uncomfortable with sitting too close to him (it makes the sessions too intense) so he makes sure we're in a room (there are several to choose from) that gives us more distance.

I've never cried in front of T, I don't generally cry in front of anyone. Until a few weeks ago I hadn't cried in yrs. it felt awful. I don't even know if T has tissues in her office, she's never offered and I never noticed. The only thing I know T does, and not even sure it's for me, she tried to air out her office before I get there. Person before me smokes. Probably as much for her as me.

Haha my T puts the tissues and feelings chart RIGHT in front of you. It makes me want to rebel and never cry cause that's what they expect you to do

T has previous T's chair in his office. It keeps me grounded and it helps me talk about her, which I need to do and I find very hard.

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Yeah, tons of things- no handshakes, he goes first into the room, he looks me only in the eyes no "body checks"... I remember a whole thread about tissues offering/placement- yes, for many clients it IS a big deal, so I get why Ts would think about this too- generally, I think it's part of their jobs to make it easier for the clients- therapy's hard enough as it is.

Yet you seem bothered by them- do you know why? Can you talk about it with your T? Many of those thingies are there to make you feel better not worse- so tell your T- some could be changed to accommodate/help you.

I don't know how "sly" he is about it. Personally, at this point I think he is just a creature of habit and hasn't put much thought into "sly" tactics in probably 20 years. I'm sure much of the way he does things was at some point calculated for various reasons, but I don't think T's are particularly unique in the way. I suspect many of us design things for a deliberate outcome/purpose (or maybe that's just the teacher in me speaking).

An interesting thing happened with me at session last week when the lights went out in the main session room that we use and we decided to move over to what is normally the Group Therapy room since it had a window so we could see each other more, and because of that we were seated closer than we normally are and it was from there that she gave the fateful news to me that she would be leaving in a few weeks so I sort of wonder if it was destiny (a la predetermined in life) that it would be that way when she delivered the news to me.

One thing I've noticed between my 2 therapists is that my main therapist only has the tissues on the edge of his desk. So unless I sit right next to the desk, it's out of my reach. That's the only thing that bothers me, because he hasn't offered me the tissues when I've cried and I don't want to ask. Makes me think about bringing my own tissues to the session.

Hm. Yes my word choice of "sly" implies that I think that it is trickery.

I'm hyper alert to being manipulated. Even if the manipulation is designed to benefit me, I feel more confident if I am aware of what is going on.

But, I'm not too bothered and it doesn't make me angry or distrustful of T.

I am a curious person who likes to figure out the world. For instance, I am fascinated by commercials and advertisements that get us to buy products we don't think we need. I am fascinated by the racial makeup of political advertisements.

(In the US, for example in the 2008 elections, the white contender in the race surrounded himself with people of color in his advertisements. Obama, as a person of color, was surrounded by white people in his advertisements. Such subtle things often have a lot of thinking behind them, and are designed to play upon our subconscious fears and hopes.)

Whenever there is a financial exchange and there is some manipulation (or, choose your word), I am interested in that. Therapy is a business, after all.

But, I am also slightly touched and find it a bit -- cute? flattering? -- that T pushed the chair closer. It means she thought of me before the session and anticipated our session and tried to help it go the way we both wanted it to go.

TOTALLY different subject but it's the same, I think:

Have you ever had a relationship get to the physical level and notice that someone keeps condoms in the top drawer next to the bed?

How convenient!

Wouldn't you wonder about when they were placed there. Are they always there? Were they placed there in anticipation of your visit?

I wonder about that sort of thing, too. Of course, if a T is keeping condoms in his top drawer, there are problems in the therapy . . .

First time I asked previous T for tissues she made a great show of looking (in drawers that were too small to fit a tissue box in mind you...) and then went out of the room to grab a box, second time she went out and came back with a stack of napkins. After that I just brought my own. I adore previous T but she pulled some really bizarre stuff on me.

I noticed something , during the past 3 sessions while I showed her some drawings related to my past, after handing them to her, I felt guilty and dirty, so there was this big bottle of hand sanitizer I used every time I handed her a drawing, she never asked, but used to look at me alot.

Last session when I handed her a drawing I went for the sanitizer, it was gone, she was waiting for me to as, I didnt. Very calculated move.

They are wily.

I'm with you in this, PeeJay. I'm not upset by current T's manipulations; I understand for the most part why he does it and that it's to benefit me. I was really hurt by some of the things previous T did though.
I think when I started with her I had no idea what to expect and I was in a very bad place. I was completely blindsided by a maternal transference and my natural reaction, because I didn't understand what was happening, was to fight the attachment. Of course it's like quicksand, the harder I fought, the deeper I went.
Things are much calmer with current T, thankfully enough.

Yeah, I dunno if my T is wily with the tissues or not. I cry every time, and I guess like... I don't look for tissues. Dunno. I'm just used to crying in life, and I never carry tissues, so it wouldn't occur to me to ask for one. Was I supposed to ask for a tissue? LOL! I guess if I was, that trick backfired.

But Yeah, now that you mention it, she was sort of hoarding the tissues at the first few sessions on her desk. But last time, they were on an end table by the couch where I sit. Huh. Maybe all part of her evil plan... except that I never look or ask for tissues. Haha. Suck on that, T!

Maybe she was hoping I'm more needy than I am or something. Sorry for being self-sufficient, T! I don't need your stupid tissues anyway. :P

I noticed that the couch pillow is placed on the cushion furthest from his chair....so if I want to sit further away from him, I have to move the pillow which I find awkward. I usually move it anyways. Sometimes I sit on the crack in the middle of the two cushions lol as far away as I can from him without obviously moving the pillow /: saying it out loud on here, I feel pretty ridiculous but each time I come in, it's always moved back to where I would need to sit nearer to him if I don't move it away again /:

The person before you may move it over

Possibly - he does have a child client before me though so I dunno lol I still find it awkward to move it because it draws attention to my ambivalence.

Yeah my x-T did that. Wear his watch with the face on his wrist.

A lot of this sounds a bit paranoid to me, to be honest. I think my T's have been more direct and upfront about what they do and why.

If I don't know how much my ED is bothering me she seems to magically pull out a snack for herself and watches how much I squirmed to gauge how well I'm doing.

Nothing I have read in their textbooks or casebooks etc has lead me to believe they are direct or upfront about what they try to do to clients.