[Ashleypenwren]

Just a curious question I've been thinking about...

When you feel connected with your t, the "warm fuzzies", collaborative, like you are making progress together toward a goal, appreciative, like t cares about your progress, comfortable, etc...

How do you show that? How do you verbalize that? Do you worry about coming across as overly attached?

[LabRat27]

Intentionally or unintentionally?
I don't think I've been able to bring myself to intentionally do so. I've considered it.

Unintentionally depending on the subject I might look at him more (by which I mean looking at him at all tbh). That's generally when it feels collaborative, usually conversations in which I'm not feeling super intense shame. That's often accompanied by some light teasing/joking. Generally that kind of lightheartedness is only when I'm feeling that kind of optimistic collaborative closeness.

The closeness like feeling cared about in a less "productive" more "gentle" way (not really sure how to describe it? I really really don't want to use the word "tender," blegh) is something I have a harder time showing and more actively trying to resist in myself. I feel like I shouldn't show it because it feels shameful, or like he'd be disgusted by the idea of that kind of closeness with me.
Clearly I have issues.

I'm interested in how others do that and how they feel about it after. I'm worried I'd be angry at myself for it after.

[susannahsays]

I don't feel closeness, but if I did, I would conceal it.

[Lrad123]

I have occasionally sent an email thanking him for something he said or did or saying something positive about how our session went. It would often be hard for me to say these things in person, so if I want to get my message across email works nicely.

[stopdog]

I never felt closeness to a therapist and if I had, there would have been no reason that I know of to show it.

[chihirochild]

Originally Posted by Ashleypenwren

Just a curious question I've been thinking about...

When you feel connected with your t, the "warm fuzzies", collaborative, like you are making progress together toward a goal, appreciative, like t cares about your progress, comfortable, etc...

How do you show that? How do you verbalize that? Do you worry about coming across as overly attached?

I'm not an especially subtle person so usually I just say something like, "I feel close to you right now." And because I'm also self-conscious that's usually followed by, "I feel awkward saying that, but I wanted you to know."

[Omers]

I tell T a lot when he does something I find comforting but I don’t feel close to him, he kinda called me out on that last session. One session I was feeling particularly vulnerable with him and he spontaneously reached out and put his hand on mine and let it get quiet. I softly uttered the most sincere thank you that I have ever felt. He knew he did the right thing taking the risk of initiating touch when I was feeling so very vulnerable and he did tear up a bit. But... feeling connected to him is the next big goal and I am scared out of my mind but I also want it more than I have ever wanted anything.

[Echos Myron redux]

I think a conversation about your fear of appearing "overly attached" would be a good place to start.

I tell my therapist I love him, I tell him I miss him between sessions, I tell him moments when I feel deeply connected to him, I just talk to him about all my feelings towards him in detail. But the reason I can do that is because I trust him not to freak out about my attachment to him. There has had to be discussion about that. I had to know he was open to all of my feelings. It's a good conversation to have in therapy.

[kaleidoscopeheart]

Originally Posted by Echos Myron redux

I think a conversation about your fear of appearing "overly attached" would be a good place to start.

I tell my therapist I love him, I tell him I miss him between sessions, I tell him moments when I feel deeply connected to him, I just talk to him about all my feelings towards him in detail. But the reason I can do that is because I trust him not to freak out about my attachment to him. There has had to be discussion about that. I had to know he was open to all of my feelings. It's a good conversation to have in therapy.

This. All of this.

I have fought my attachment to T. I have struggled with feeling overly attached or overly dependent on T, and when we finally talked about it I felt so much relief. Occasionally I still struggle but it's helpful to know that it is something that can be openly discussed without judgement or rejection.

[SlumberKitty]

With former T, I was very attached, am very attached. When I felt connected to my T, I would tell her things like, I feel very connected to you right now, or this is a good session because the connection is really there today. I told her I loved her, in emails not in person except on our last session which happened to be a phone call. I guess I was pretty upfront about feeling connected. With current T, I really haven't had that connected feel yet, so I haven't verbalized it at all. HUGS Kit

[CartDown]

I tell him that I always appreciate him being so patient with me, because I know I can sometimes be exhausting. Usually I tell him in an email or text. With the exception of just saying "thank you" at the end of each session, I have a hard time getting these things out in person. It's like I'm trying to trick my mind to think I'm not as vulnerable as I think I am.

I am trying to figure out how close or attached I feel with my T because it's not clear cut. I kinda feel she is everything and nothing to me at the same time. But I think this is classic avoidant.
I have started making the controlled effort to show her I am trying to trust her which I think aids closeness so simply being like this is very hard for me to tell you but I am trying. last session I told her I found something useful she told me and I have mentioned how something she mentioned on the off came up outside of the session. It was kinda my way of saying I think of this outside of session and what you say is part of my life.
I find the idea of closeness with a professional icky. Really hard. Sometimes we are very out of time with one another but sometimes the fact it's so hard when it works nicely it feels extra special.
Currently I am preparing for both doing deeper work as well as leaving in a few months so I think the issue with closeness will be interesting in the weeks and months to come

[Lemoncake]

I stop picking fights with him.

[feileacan]

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

I stop picking fights with him.

Yep, that's the same for me. I might even listen to him a bit.

[LabRat27]

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

I stop picking fights with him.

Originally Posted by feileacan

Yep, that's the same for me. I might even listen to him a bit.

I think my T would be very concerned by the sudden change in behavior

In all seriousness though, I think I pick fights with him as a defense mechanism. When I feel closeness in a session I usually find something to be angry about after, if it's just getting angry about an old thing all over again.

[piggy momma]

I will usually send him an email after telling him how I feel, or if something was especially meaningful and why. I don’t really hide from him, emotionally.

[Lemoncake]

Originally Posted by LabRat27

I think my T would be very concerned by the sudden change in behavior

In all seriousness though, I think I pick fights with him as a defense mechanism. When I feel closeness in a session I usually find something to be angry about after, if it's just getting angry about an old thing all over again.

And I thought I was the only one who did this. We have big ruptures (too many that I've lost count) and minor falling outs nearly every other week where I tell him that I'm actually quitting for real and I don't want to see him again.

But then we both know that I don't really mean it and I will email asking for my slots back. It gives me the control feels I guess, but it's nice knowing that we can have so many ruptures and he's still there.

I'm pretty spontaneous about it, so I'll state things as the thoughts and feelings arise. You're so cute, I want to snuggle with you. When you said that, I felt excited inside like a little girl seeing her father. It feels like I have a powerful magnet inside of me that pulls me to you and it's so incredibly intense. I felt alone and afraid, and thought of you and wondered what it would be like if you were by my side...etc.

I guess I'm thinking mostly about positive feelings, especially feelings of affection and need here that include transference feelings-that's not really connectness is it, since that is one sided? In that case, the times when we have dialogue concerning certain situations and patterns, where we both provide input or analysis and agree on the final conclusion, particularly if it is insightful and helps me move forward. There's a feeling of connectness and contentness about the relationship that I really appreciate. Figuring things out together, for my well-being, and arriving at insightful conclusions that help me be a better person and have a better life. Things that highlight our positive shared purpose and goals-our alliance-are the most connected moments, I think.

[Xynesthesia2]

When I felt that way, I just told them straight in words what exactly I found helpful. I never felt close to my first T but did have a good connection with the 2nd for a while, in most sessions. I told him just that and described what exactly made me feel that way, including when I thought it was some sort of transference. I was never afraid that they would think I am too attached as I wasn't really attached, more just liked the 2nd T and enjoyed the interactions. I'm not someone who gets flowery and very lovey-dovey even with people in ordinary life that are really close to me and prefer to express my feelings in simple, more practical ways and in actions. I also usually feel that is there is a good connection with someone, it is very obvious and no need to talk about it much.

[UglyDucky]

Thanks, Lrad123...frequently, I feel the need to tell my T that I did or didn't feel especially close during a session, but when he does go out of his way to be attentive and uses body language to increase closeness, I think sending an email or text is something I might use. I'm about to lose my T (not quite 4 years, but it's been intense and helpful beyond words), so it's particularly difficult to say anything related to closeness without crying.

[LabRat27]

Originally Posted by Lemoncake

And I thought I was the only one who did this. We have big ruptures (too many that I've lost count) and minor falling outs nearly every other week where I tell him that I'm actually quitting for real and I don't want to see him again.

But then we both know that I don't really mean it and I will email asking for my slots back. It gives me the control feels I guess, but it's nice knowing that we can have so many ruptures and he's still there.

It sounds nice to know he's still there, but it also sounds emotionally exhausting!!
My T and I have only had one big rupture, and I had a very legitimate right to be angry imo.

With this stuff my anger is usually more limited to me coming in and expressing the fact that I'm overriding the urge to be passive aggressive and sulk and make him try to figure out what I'm upset about and what the right thing to say would be. Then we talk about it. I tell him what things I want to say, but it's an extra layer of distance, like "I want to say things to hurt you and make you feel guilty" instead of just saying the things.

Idk why I do it this way. It's definitely not an emotional maturity thing. Probably a neediness thing.
The feeling is also not usually nearly as strong when I'm actually in session as like 2am when I've convinced myself that he never cared about me or something equally extreme and objectively irrational.

[Lrad123]

Originally Posted by 502041

I am trying to figure out how close or attached I feel with my T because it's not clear cut. I kinda feel she is everything and nothing to me at the same time. But I think this is classic avoidant.
I have started making the controlled effort to show her I am trying to trust her which I think aids closeness so simply being like this is very hard for me to tell you but I am trying. last session I told her I found something useful she told me and I have mentioned how something she mentioned on the off came up outside of the session. It was kinda my way of saying I think of this outside of session and what you say is part of my life.
I find the idea of closeness with a professional icky. Really hard. Sometimes we are very out of time with one another but sometimes the fact it's so hard when it works nicely it feels extra special.
Currently I am preparing for both doing deeper work as well as leaving in a few months so I think the issue with closeness will be interesting in the weeks and months to come

I keep rereading this because I could have written this myself, only you’ve said it much better than I could have.

I’m both intrigued and mortified by those who can let out their strong positive feelings towards their T in an unfiltered way. I wonder what that must be like. It would really be an alternate universe for me.

[stopdog]

I am intrigued that people report having positive feelings towards a therapist to begin with.

The idea of telling my therapist she is important to me terrifies me. I mean i think about her and her family all the time and give no indication i even like her. We are out of sync with one another a lot, but for some reason i still feel a fondness. i don't know whether fondness is closeness