looking for new t makes me think about bad ex t

Looking for a new T for the summer while current T is away is turning out to be really really hard for me. She really wants me to find a new T but I still have this fear that she is the one special good T and all other Ts are gonna be like my ex-T who had an angry erotic paternal countertransference to me and who I terminated with pretty much feeling like I escaped captivity... by then I felt like I had a responsibility to not disappoint her by terminating, and she got angry at me when I did, and it was like I was giving HER therapy, she always talked about herself, and all that she talked about me over was about my appearance, and she asked lots of invasive questions and I remember how bad it was, I would have panic attacks before every session, it was a good session if I stopped shaking halfway thru.

I'm really afraid to try a new T. I don't want to. But T thinks I will need it over the summer and wants me to call asap so she can talk to them. There's only one option around here and I'm supposed to call her before next week. And I'm freaking out. I don't want to. I'm feeling really numb and broken again thinking about ex T. I just don't feel like doing anything. I'm going on vacation soon and I don't want to go. I just want to sleep until I starve or smth.

There are other good Ts out there? Right??? How can I believe that. Grrr. Sorry I just needed to vent.

I was sort of afraid of looking for a new Therapist after I ended on such bad terms with my prior Therapist, and I am sort of feeling the same way now with my current Therapist leaving in 2 weeks.

((Sweetie))

Good Ts, like good jobs or good husbands are hard to find.
Alas, there is still no way to find them without looking. Sorry!

I am so sorry!

Of course there are other good T's. In fact, there's only a small fraction of T's who are terrible, and it sounds like you were unlucky enough to have to suffer through one. Your T will talk to this new T and double check for you as well to make sure the new T is safe.

Thanks all... feeling just a lil better now and trying to stay present but I'm still not happy about it at all. I miss my real T. I don't want her to go... ;o;

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Was your ex-T male or female? I don't want to interpret this wrong and I'm confused because you said ex-T had "erotic paternal transference" but then you were using female pronouns. I'm not sure if there are two different people or the same??
If ex-T was male, perhaps you are better off sticking to female T's due to that experience. Regardless of gender I will reassure you there are most definitely other amazing Therapists out there. I believe there are more good than bad. It is difficult to find a good fit and sometimes it may take some work to find the right person...but they are out there!

I am so sorry you had that experience. It sounds awful. That is so sad that you would reach the point of shaking during sessions and you dreaded going. It is normal to dread sessions because Therapy is hard and some issues/topics are difficult to face; but not normal to dread sessions because you fear your Therapist.

Does you current T want you to find a new T in general, or just for the time she is away? I hope everything works out for the best! Keep us posted if you can.

We put a lot of trust in Ts, and it IS very scary to do this with a stranger that we don't know well. It's definitely not a natural thing, and especially since you had a terrible experience in the past, it's understandable how anxious this would make you. Maybe you can try to look up potential Ts online and see if they have a website. Sometimes this might help you decide if you would be comfortable with them. Maybe you can also try talking to them on the phone first? That might help you gauge their personality as well. I'm sorry your T has to leave for the summer.

She was female, but I don't think it was maternal transference. I feel like maternal transference is nurturing and caring and empathetic. Her transference was basically sizing me up, but she claimed she was having to do my parents' job, so she had some kind of parental transference at least. It seemed more like what I have read about how male therapists groom their clients. She was just slowly sexualizing the relationship and making more and more comments about my appearance. And it was palpably predatory. Idk. Maybe I am biased because I always viewed my father in that role too, always sizing me up and telling me what to do.

And yeah I had come to her for anxiety, but it was actually worse in therapy than anywhere else in my life.

New T wants me to find a new T for while she is gone, she is worried about me not having a T for the summer.

Thanks for your support. I'm going to call this new T on monday and ask about insurance... I'm really afraid though...