[rainbow8]

I put the trigger on because I'm going to talk about holding my T's hand, and I know some people are triggered by that.

In spite of seeing my T only twice per month, therapy is going well. I'm happy that I didn't have to quit in March, as I'm making a lot of progress now.

I never, in my wildest imagination, thought that my T would incorporate holding hands into my therapy again, and would make it an important part of it. I'm sorry I must sound like a broken record, but maybe it will help someone else. If something seems to help you in therapy, and your gut feeling tells you so (or vice versa, that something is wrong for you), then pursue it. I KNEW holding her hand was helping me, not hurting me, but my T disagreed, and also, for her own reasons, became uncomfortable with it. Then, when she furthered her SE training, and felt more settled herself, she agreed that we could try it again.

I know there are other ways to calm down and feel safe, and I do them: yoga, swimming, slow breathing, mindfulness, for example, but holding T's hand is different. I don't feel the same way when I hold my H's hand, or my kids, or grandchildren's. With my T, it's an immediate response, as though she's touching something deep inside of me, not just my hand. She's doing it for that reason, to give me a feeling I never had before, and to get it into my nervous system. When I was sick, and she didn't hold my hand, we touched feet. She probably does that with other clients, to get the same feeling. I doubt whether she is just doing this touching with me.

Today I can "feel" the way I felt, holding her hand in my session. It's like magic!!

I know touch is controversial, and that there are not many who post about their Ts who use it. I wonder why more Ts don't learn somatic experiencing and the value of touch in therapy. When I first started therapy 4 years ago with this T, she told me that I had a lot of talk therapy, and that she had different approaches. I am so grateful that I made the conscious decision to choose her as my T.

I talk about other issues while I hold her hand. It's not just an hour of holding her hand and feeling good. She monitors me closely to see how my body is reacting to her words, and to mine. I never, in a million years, would have thought I could do this kind of therapy, as I am so inhibited, and don't like to think or talk about my body. I'm just feeling good about therapy and my life right now, and I wanted to share. It's been a long road, with many bumps along the way, but I'm getting there. You can too!

[Mactastic]

I'm so glad this helps! Holding my T's hand would send my transference through the roof, lol!

[purplemystery]

I'm so glad your T is willing to do this for you! I can relate to the power of holding hands because on my last session with my T, we had a "handshake" where we grasped hands, but it lasted for longer than a handshake, and we didn't actually shake our hands. It was like we were holding them. I was starting to wonder why she didn't let go, and then she brought up her other hand and held mine in both of hers. That touch felt magical to me too, and it really confirmed for me how much she cares. I was able to experience her care on a different level, and it was so meaningful and powerful to me. I completely understand how touch from a husband, significant other, friend, etc. wouldn't be as impactful. Enjoy the feeling.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Mactastic

I'm so glad this helps! Holding my T's hand would send my transference through the roof, lol!

It's very interesting to me that the part who was in love with my T seems to have settled down lately. I love her, but don't feel "in love", though I don't trust that part not to come back when she looks a certain way.

Holding her hand never triggered any transference reaction except for feeling safe, settled, and nice inside. My T used to think it was causing those other kinds of feelings, but I kept insisting that it did not. Her touching my knees is unacceptable to me, though. Once she did that when we did EMDR a couple of years ago, and I had to tell her that it felt "too good". Holding her hand doesn't feel "too good"; it feels just right!

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I put the trigger on because I'm going to talk about holding my T's hand, and I know some people are triggered by that.

In spite of seeing my T only twice per month, therapy is going well. I'm happy that I didn't have to quit in March, as I'm making a lot of progress now.

I never, in my wildest imagination, thought that my T would incorporate holding hands into my therapy again, and would make it an important part of it. I'm sorry I must sound like a broken record, but maybe it will help someone else. If something seems to help you in therapy, and your gut feeling tells you so (or vice versa, that something is wrong for you), then pursue it. I KNEW holding her hand was helping me, not hurting me, but my T disagreed, and also, for her own reasons, became uncomfortable with it. Then, when she furthered her SE training, and felt more settled herself, she agreed that we could try it again.

I know there are other ways to calm down and feel safe, and I do them: yoga, swimming, slow breathing, mindfulness, for example, but holding T's hand is different. I don't feel the same way when I hold my H's hand, or my kids, or grandchildren's. With my T, it's an immediate response, as though she's touching something deep inside of me, not just my hand. She's doing it for that reason, to give me a feeling I never had before, and to get it into my nervous system. When I was sick, and she didn't hold my hand, we touched feet. She probably does that with other clients, to get the same feeling. I doubt whether she is just doing this touching with me.

Today I can "feel" the way I felt, holding her hand in my session. It's like magic!!

I know touch is controversial, and that there are not many who post about their Ts who use it. I wonder why more Ts don't learn somatic experiencing and the value of touch in therapy. When I first started therapy 4 years ago with this T, she told me that I had a lot of talk therapy, and that she had different approaches. I am so grateful that I made the conscious decision to choose her as my T.

I talk about other issues while I hold her hand. It's not just an hour of holding her hand and feeling good. She monitors me closely to see how my body is reacting to her words, and to mine. I never, in a million years, would have thought I could do this kind of therapy, as I am so inhibited, and don't like to think or talk about my body. I'm just feeling good about therapy and my life right now, and I wanted to share. It's been a long road, with many bumps along the way, but I'm getting there. You can too!

It sounds wonderful, Rainbow!! By all means, go ahead a be a broken record! It's only natural to share the belief in something... I know I do the same thing when it comes to psychoanalytic therapy sometimes.

I know what you mean about the "magic". One time when I got in one of those fear states/flashbacks/memories for way too long, former T came over to my chair, pat me on the top of my head, and tucked me in with a blanket. It was instant calm after that! I swear I had never felt so good in my life!!

Surprised twice a month isn't that difficult...good for you.

Thanks for sharing.

Originally Posted by Mactastic

I'm so glad this helps! Holding my T's hand would send my transference through the roof, lol!

lol I would instantly melt. Or dissociate. One of the two!

[AllyIsHopeful]

I am happy for you and glad your T was able to recognize it was helpful. I don't think there is anything wrong with touching in the least. If it is not sexual and both the Therapist and the Client agree and are comfortable I don't see a problem.
The times my T has been so close that our feet touch or the streak we went through that included happy hugs, sad hugs, relieved hugs, etc. it was so healing and was much needed because of how foreign it felt. It was good to share hugs over any emotion.

It's good to see you so happy and I bet it's so amazing that you can feel those good things outside of her company.

[RTerroni]

That's great to hear I know you have had some issues as of recently.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by skies

It sounds wonderful, Rainbow!! By all means, go ahead a be a broken record! It's only natural to share the belief in something... I know I do the same thing when it comes to psychoanalytic therapy sometimes.

I know what you mean about the "magic". One time when I got in one of those fear states/flashbacks/memories for way too long, former T came over to my chair, pat me on the top of my head, and tucked me in with a blanket. It was instant calm after that! I swear I had never felt so good in my life!!

Surprised twice a month isn't that difficult...good for you.

Thanks for sharing.

lol I would instantly melt. Or dissociate. One of the two!

Thanks! Yeah, I can imagine how good I'd feel if my T tucked me in with a blanket! Ecstasy!! Well, I don't LIKE twice/month at all, but I can't afford anymore, so I'm fortunate I can see her. I am dealing with it better than I thought, thanks to the "hand holding".

Originally Posted by purplemystery

I'm so glad your T is willing to do this for you! I can relate to the power of holding hands because on my last session with my T, we had a "handshake" where we grasped hands, but it lasted for longer than a handshake, and we didn't actually shake our hands. It was like we were holding them. I was starting to wonder why she didn't let go, and then she brought up her other hand and held mine in both of hers. That touch felt magical to me too, and it really confirmed for me how much she cares. I was able to experience her care on a different level, and it was so meaningful and powerful to me. I completely understand how touch from a husband, significant other, friend, etc. wouldn't be as impactful. Enjoy the feeling.

Thank you. Yes, I'm glad you had that moment with your T (I KNOW how hard termination is ) and you understand how powerful and wonderful it is. Sometimes I think I'm weird, and my T and I are living on a different planet! I like her uniqueness, and I wouldn't change it for the world!

[junkDNA]

im glad thats helpful for u but i know i would freak out if my T ever tried to hold my hand. one time he sat down beside of me on the couch to show me an article and i thought that was too close. but i have trauma history with a former T involving sexual abuse. so idk.

[elaygee]

I'm happy that its working. It's also interesting to me though that it is the "focus" of all of your posts. It seems like a fixation. That holding hands with her is 'magic'. I wonder when it will fade to hold such magical powers. I don't mind that T holds hands. Touch is powerful. But just from this end on the board, that seems to be the only thing that matters, is the 'success' of getting T to do this behavior again. It's not good or bad, it just interests me.

[BrokenGirl22]

Originally Posted by junkDNA

im glad thats helpful for u but i know i would freak out if my T ever tried to hold my hand. one time he sat down beside of me on the couch to show me an article and i thought that was too close. but i have trauma history with a former T involving sexual abuse. so idk.

This is how I would feel! I need my T as far away from me as possible! I don't even like prolonged eye contact

So glad it's working for you though

[sweepy62]

That's great rainbow it makes me happy that your holding hands and your both comfortable with it, my t is giving me the impression she would like a hug in a round a bout way, but I'm still stuck in the " I don't need you phase" in fact every time I leave her a voicemail , I end it with " I don't need you to call me back"

And she respects that.
One time one another topic she said oh finally I was waiting for you to bring it up.

This tells me she won't budge, she wants me to ask for what I need. My old t regardless if I told her not to call back, she would.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Thanks! Yeah, I can imagine how good I'd feel if my T tucked me in with a blanket! Ecstasy!! Well, I don't LIKE twice/month at all, but I can't afford anymore, so I'm fortunate I can see her. I am dealing with it better than I thought, thanks to the "hand holding".

Thank you. Yes, I'm glad you had that moment with your T (I KNOW how hard termination is ) and you understand how powerful and wonderful it is. Sometimes I think I'm weird, and my T and I are living on a different planet! I like her uniqueness, and I wouldn't change it for the world!

The feeling was analogous to how it feels after having really good sex, than lying in your lovers arms all night...but even better. I referred to it as *blissful*. (we need an ahhhhhh emoticon!)

I'm glad you are handling the session frequency that well. I know what you mean about her uniqueness. It think you might be in a stage where a more mature love is starting to blossom.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by elaygee

I'm happy that its working. It's also interesting to me though that it is the "focus" of all of your posts. It seems like a fixation. That holding hands with her is 'magic'. I wonder when it will fade to hold such magical powers. I don't mind that T holds hands. Touch is powerful. But just from this end on the board, that seems to be the only thing that matters, is the 'success' of getting T to do this behavior again. It's not good or bad, it just interests me.

Thanks, elaygee. I appreciate your interest. First, it can't be the focus of all of my posts because for about the last 2 years my T did NOT hold my hand (she did for about a year or more before that, but not during every session, just when I asked).

It's the focus now because I want to share how therapeutic it is for me. Until several months ago, holding T's hand was a moot issue. I'd bring it up with her periodically only because I thought it wasn't right the way she "took it away" without discussing it with me. She explained why she did that.

When she wanted to again use touch in our sessions (her idea, not mine), I brought it up again, and asked if I could try holding her hand again. I was surprised when she said yes. So, it's not about "success" of getting her to do it; it's about how amazing it is that T and I agree that it's good for me!

The magic is that, for the first time, I've consistently felt that I could go about my life without therapy. The feeling I get when holding her hand is lasting! It's incredible for me. Not one of 4 other Ts could solve my attachment issues. They all made me want what they couldn't give me, and I was always frustrated. My fixation is because this time it's different. It does feel like magic to me but I know it's not. If she never holds my hand again, I've already got a lot of what I need inside of me, just from what we've done so far.

I'm happier in my real life than I've been in a long time, and that's because of the secure attachment to my T. My other Ts said that I can never make up what I missed in the past, but I think they were wrong. Something is changing inside of me, and it feels so good! Not that I want to hold her hand, but I want the feelings it gives me. T is doing this according to what she's learned in somatic experiencing workshops, so it's my therapy. It's not a fixation.

I can't imagine not feeling calm and settled when I hold T's hand. I trust her that it is changing my nervous system.

I hope I explained it a little better. I'm only making it the focus of my posts because that's what is happening in my therapy right now. Actually, a recent thread was about driving by my T's house! That certainly had nothing to do with holding her hand! I also wrote about my marriage. I mainly wanted to express how well my therapy is going, and how happy I am about that.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Thanks, elaygee. I appreciate your interest. First, it can't be the focus of all of my posts because for about the last 2 years my T did NOT hold my hand (she did for about a year or more before that, but not during every session, just when I asked).

It's the focus now because I want to share how therapeutic it is for me. Until several months ago, holding T's hand was a moot issue. I'd bring it up with her periodically only because I thought it wasn't right the way she "took it away" without discussing it with me. She explained why she did that.

When she wanted to again use touch in our sessions (her idea, not mine), I brought it up again, and asked if I could try holding her hand again. I was surprised when she said yes. So, it's not about "success" of getting her to do it; it's about how amazing it is that T and I agree that it's good for me!

The magic is that, for the first time, I've consistently felt that I could go about my life without therapy. The feeling I get when holding her hand is lasting! It's incredible for me. Not one of 4 other Ts could solve my attachment issues. They all made me want what they couldn't give me, and I was always frustrated. My fixation is because this time it's different. It does feel like magic to me but I know it's not. If she never holds my hand again, I've already got a lot of what I need inside of me, just from what we've done so far.

I'm happier in my real life than I've been in a long time, and that's because of the secure attachment to my T. My other Ts said that I can never make up what I missed in the past, but I think they were wrong. Something is changing inside of me, and it feels so good! Not that I want to hold her hand, but I want the feelings it gives me. T is doing this according to what she's learned in somatic experiencing workshops, so it's my therapy. It's not a fixation.

I can't imagine not feeling calm and settled when I hold T's hand. I trust her that it is changing my nervous system.

I hope I explained it a little better. I'm only making it the focus of my posts because that's what is happening in my therapy right now. Actually, a recent thread was about driving by my T's house! That certainly had nothing to do with holding her hand! I also wrote about my marriage. I mainly wanted to express how well my therapy is going, and how happy I am about that.

Just a guess...it seems like what you are saying is that you are internalizing a therapist's love for the first time.

eta: i'm not sure anyone is capable of mature love until s/he internalizes love from another.

[Virginia1991]

I really honestly believe this is what I need too! But I don't think my T will go for it. It is so hard to explain. What did you say to her in the first place for her to agree to it. I am very attached to my T more so in a maternal way. What is the age difference between the two of you? Are you both female? Tell me more!

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by skies

The feeling was analogous to how it feels after having really good sex, than lying in your lovers arms all night...but even better. I referred to it as *blissful*. (we need an ahhhhhh emoticon!)

I'm glad you are handling the session frequency that well. I know what you mean about her uniqueness. It think you might be in a stage where a more mature love is starting to blossom.

Did you ever read the book Necessary Losses, by Judith Viorst? She talks about the infant and Mommy stage where the baby is in a state of bliss when nursing, or just being close to Mommy. She describes it in a way that has always struck me as wonderful and true. Viorst says we all want to get back to that place of bliss, of connection, but it is one of our necessary losses. I realize that this isn't true for many who post here, and I'm not sure if Viorst addresses that, or not. It's the WISH to have that blissful feeling that should happen between Mommy and infant, even if it never did. Viorst uses the word "bliss"; that's not my word, though I agree 100%. I wrote a poem a few years ago and called it "The blanket of love", and wrote "ah, so that's what love feels like." It was, of course, about my feelings when I used to hold T's hand then.

I sent my T a photo of a painting I just did, and in the email I signed it "love, rainbow". Then I wrote "that word just slipped out". I left it in. I have never signed my emails to her with "love", probably because I'd think that she'd think it was about that "part" who is in love with her.(maybe once I did) But now, it just seemed natural because it's the way I feel about her. So, yes, I think I have a more mature love for my T.

If I seem fixated on this subject it's because I've been in therapy about 20 years, I'd say, and I never felt like this before!! My Ts always made it seem "wrong" to love them, even if they didn't explicitly say it was wrong. They wanted me to focus on my real life. My current T wants that too, but she is also focusing directly on my attachment issues, about her, and with her. That is such a relief to me; you have no idea!!

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by AllyIsHopeful

I am happy for you and glad your T was able to recognize it was helpful. I don't think there is anything wrong with touching in the least. If it is not sexual and both the Therapist and the Client agree and are comfortable I don't see a problem.
The times my T has been so close that our feet touch or the streak we went through that included happy hugs, sad hugs, relieved hugs, etc. it was so healing and was much needed because of how foreign it felt. It was good to share hugs over any emotion.

It's good to see you so happy and I bet it's so amazing that you can feel those good things outside of her company.

I'm glad you felt good to share hugs with your T! Yes, I'm surprised and happy that I can feel the good things outside of the session.

Originally Posted by Virginia1991

I really honestly believe this is what I need too! But I don't think my T will go for it. It is so hard to explain. What did you say to her in the first place for her to agree to it. I am very attached to my T more so in a maternal way. What is the age difference between the two of you? Are you both female? Tell me more!

My T and I are both female. She's a lot younger than me, but that doesn't matter when you're dealing with transference feelings, at least not to me. The hand holding started out because my T used the Internal Family Systems model, which works with different parts of your personality. Nothing to do with DID. When I was talking about a child part who felt hurt, and wanted to be held, and was alone, she asked, typical IFS questions like "what does that part want from you?" Somehow that got into my wanting comfort from T, that I didn't know how to give it to myself. She asked "does that part want me to hold her hand?" I was silent for a LONG time because I didn't think touch was allowed in therapy! It wasn't with any other T I had. But, finally, I nodded, and T held my hand.

After that, sometimes I asked her again, and she obliged. It's because she has a different set of rules from most Ts, maybe because of the IFS, the meditation/breathing, mind/body techniques she is trained in. She also does EMDR. Somatic experiencing is something related that she has advanced training in. It doesn't have to involve touching clients, but it can. My T believes that touch is healing, and now it was HER idea to let me hold her hand again. For a couple of years, she wouldn't let me.

So, I think your T would have to want touch in your sessions; many Ts don't want to. You'd have to ask, or switch to a T who does mind/body work like somatic experiencing (SE). If you really think it would help you, ask your T and see what she says.

[Virginia1991]

I Pm 'd you I think.....new to all this:-/