Disappointing T

I'm really disappointed in my T Instead of just telling me he wasn't going to be answering any messages until Tuesday he sent out a mass email today. We just talked last night and he never mentioned it. He carried on the conversation like any other day asking questions and stuff. I don't get it. If he knew he wasn't going to respond anymore why ask questions and not say anything? It takes me forever to trust someone and I very quickly take it back. I'm fine with him taking a break I think he needs to more often but at least with the curtesy of a little warning. Im feeling like he bailed again and I want to quit before he comes back tuesday. (Just for clarification I do online sessions once a week and the rest of the week is usually just one message a day)

Probably was just focused on your discussion and it didn't cross his mind at that moment. That's understandable and easy to do. The mass email just makes sense as the most sure way to be sure he notifies all clients. Doing it one by one would just take forever and in that process it might be easy to overlook someone.

Maybe last night he really didn't know and something unexpected came up in the interim.

I've had that happen with my T several times. I'm one of her last appointments on Thursday, she doesn't work on Friday. So, if she's going to be out of the office for a long weekend, it happens shortly after my appointment. There have been times where I receive a mass email at the end of the day on Thursday, notifying that T is out and when she'll be back. It's generally like Chris suggested - T is so intent on being with me in my session that she doesn't always remember to notify me that she's not going to be available until the next Tuesday. So, I find out a few hours later when she sends out the mail.

It's nothing personal...or perhaps it is, but in a good way. What I mean by that is that T is so invested in being in the moment with me during my session that she forgets to tell me about her plans. It's not intended as a slight against me or as a way to be deceitful.

For me, disappointment is the emotion that most damages a relationship.

It is for me too. I don't handle disappointment very well. My t just disappointed me again and I don't know how I can keep trusting him. I'm so angry and hurt. We talked all week about having a session on Friday instead of Wednesday and set a time. But last night he completely forgot and didn't show up. I had a really tough week and needed that session

yikes! i would be really upset.

I am upset to the point that I want to SI just to cope with it (I haven't yet) but I know as soon as we talk I will just bury it and say it's ok and not tell him how I feel.

i know that feeling. have you tried holding ice or something. i like to go for really, really long walks until my legs hurt (like i need ibuprofen hurt). it's how i replaced my si urges. i still get them, but then i try to find a healthy way to 'hurt' if that makes sense. i always feel like i accomplished my goal after walking for two hours.

have you thought about a new t? i really think you should have a t you can be open with.

It does make sense to find a healthier way to hurt. I'll have to try holding ice.

I wouldn't be open with another t it's just how I am. I grew up being punished or ridiculed for saying what I thought so I just never feel safe doing it. Throw in keeping abuse by my dad from my mom I censor everything I say. I couldn't risk talking bad about him or showing any negative feeling towards him. I really feel comfortable with my t as much as I'm capable for the most part. He really supported me this week but just blew it yesterday. He apologized late last night. Said for some reason he kept thinking our session was tonight instead. I keep thinking I'm asking too much from him or am too much work.

in that case, if this is just one screw up, if you can find it in yourself to realize he's human and screws up too, maybe it can be repaired.

i grew up that what i was feeling was unacceptable (i was yelled at for having depression and made to feel like i was shameful for dealing with it). it's taken me a loooong time to really share with t what i'm feeling and even then i'm constantly apologizing for feeling a certain way. i'm terrified he's going to dump me at any moment.

i hope you can find a way to be open with him. can you see if he would meet you tonight anyway? be like 'ok, i need to talk, can we work it out tonight?'

I totally understand the pain and disappointment from being "forgotten". Could you tell your T how much it hurt to have him not show up?

I don't want to make him feel worse than he does for missing it.

That would make me angry. Perhaps he would benefit from an appointment reminder on his phone or checking his planner every morning. Or scrawling it on a petroglyph.

Either way I am sorry that he disappointed you. Your feeling this way is completely understandable and you should express to him how it really made you feel, because, even though you don't want him feeling overly contrite, communicating how much hurt it caused will prevent resentment from building up in the future and possibly even strengthen your rapport when he validates you (and he will if he's worth his salt).

Thanks for the word "petroglyph".

You're not there to protect his feelings. You're there to explore and deal with your own. He's strong enough to handle whatever you have to say, and I have found that the conversations where I am telling my T things like that are the most beneficial.

I might try to tell him how it made me feel. He said to feel free to express whatever I feel towards him but it makes me nervous. We rescheduled for tonight.

It is scary to be vulnerable enough to bring that type of thing up. But it really is helpful.

Mostly he talked and tried to nudge me to say what I was feeling. I couldn't but emailed it to him today. He said he felt like a jacka** for letting me down and losing some of my trust. Overall it was a good session. I've got a lot of work to do on expressing what I'm feeling and standing up for myself but I think I'm making a little progress.

You can bring it up next week, too. And as many weeks afterwards until you feel like you have talked about it enough.