[OneWorld]

Do you worry about making your T feel bad when you are open about your feelings in session? Sometimes I don't say what I am thinking because I'm afraid it will make my T feel bad. She is another person, after all. I wouldn't normally say things to someone that I know will make them doubt themselves.

Feeling torn about this!

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[stopdog]

I do not worry about the feelings of the therapist. First - they are trained to not take things personally. Second - they set up the rules and tell people to talk about these things. Third - they don't believe it is personal even when it is - they will always blame the client or the client's situation/past/ etc rather than believe they are actually at fault/could be wrong/ etc.

[Mactastic]

I used to, until time and time again my T reminded me he can manage his own feelings.

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[grimtopaz]

Therapists are trained and paid to set aside their own needs for an hour and focus everything on YOU.

Also remember that most therapists have seen hundreds of patients (even in the context of their graduate school training) so they have probably heard a variation of everything before. There is very little that can offend them/shock them even though they are human.

Their training allows them to empathize with a patient without taking things personally. Moreover, most therapist's see patients back to back. So even though once you leave their office you are thinking about the session, their whole attention is now focused on another patient.

It makes complete sense that you would be worried about their feelings, but you are paying for the service of NOT having to consider their feelings.

[unaluna]

If you know that you have a problem being inconsiderate of other people's feelings, as i have been told i have, then you may want to try to figure out how to say something without stomping all over the other person. Instead of being "brutally honest", you might propose it as, how do WE solve this issue? People in your past might not have been open to such a discussion, but that would be transference making you assume that your t would take it badly also.

Eta - hope i didnt give away any trade secrets there!

T's can take care of themselves. Those in helping professions tend to grow thick skins as a survival technique. I know. I teach high schoolers. Just can't take things personally or you'd never make it.

[HazelGirl]

I do worry about it. I try to figure out how to make sure I am taking my fair share of blame for things, though. I may feel like something, but my T is only responsible for her actions, not my feelings as a result of her actions. For example, I may feel like she is forcing me to agree to something when in reality she is just trying to point out the benefits for me. She is responsible for the things she said and did (listed the benefits, talked about how good something would be for me, etc...), but I am responsible for how I responded to that (felt forced into agreeing). Does that make sense?

[OneWorld]

Originally Posted by hankster

If you know that you have a problem being inconsiderate of other people's feelings, as i have been told i have, then you may want to try to figure out how to say something without stomping all over the other person.

I have a tendency to be extremely cautious with my words to make sure that I don't say something that could cause harm.

Part of my job involves evaluating others - I work hard to point out areas of concern without making people feel like crap. But those evaluations are based on observable facts - these are just feeling I get during conversations. I hate to confront people about subjective things because I know that it's likely that it's not just something they are doing wrong - it is either partially or fully on me as well.

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[OneWorld]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

T's can take care of themselves. Those in helping professions tend to grow thick skins as a survival technique. I know. I teach high schoolers. Just can't take things personally or you'd never make it.

I have a thick skin too. For some reason I'm always concerned that the other person doesn't!

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[RTerroni]

Sometimes but I feel she can handle anything.

[Wysteria]

I too have always worried about this...hurting his feelings, saying something offensive, frustrating him, corrupting him with the blackness inside of me, etc. He always, always assures me that this cannot happen for his training and strength and wisdom won't allow it to happen. Does he empathize...definitely. Does he have emotions of his own, of course. He is also very learned as they all are at looking at the emotions and assumptions we both make during our sessions as "more" information... As he is not able to see me react on the outside, it helps him with clues as to what is happening with me internally.

The only time I have seen "anger" from him...he stopped and explained it to me. It was what he called 'righteous anger' and referred to anger he felt towards those that had hurt me again or put me in an untenable position. This helped me very much because he was saying that it was not my fault nor was he able to protect me in the moment.... it helped me understand that all anger was not 'bad', which is hard for me to understand. I don't like anger nor deal with it well. It also made me feel like he walked beside me and cherished my feelings and hurt. I hate sympathy, and it did not feel like that, because he was involved in the response....

I, in my head, often visualize him as a good wizard and his office as a safe zone where I can actually be free. He does not judge like that...only looks for ways to help me respond to my world in a more positive way.

I hope this answer helps some and does not confuse. There is no reason Not to care...and also no reason to fear...it just helps your T to be a better and more powerful T for you. Just try to be as honest and forthcoming as possible.

-WB

[nicoleflynn]

Therapy is a place where you should feel comfortable enough to say ANYthing you want or need to. It is okay to be considerate of friends/families' feelings, etc., but therapy is a different relationship. You are paying for a service, and that service, is to speak your mind. If you worry about the t's feelings/thoughts, no good work can be done.

[rainbow8]

I used to not worry about hurting my T's feelings until I told her something really mean about her appearance. She was hurt by it (I said it in a voicemail message) and in my next session asked why I felt I had to tell it to her. We knew it was about me, but I could have refrained from being so graphic and making her feel bad.

The issue needed to be addressed but I didn't have to use the horrible description that I did.

[Freewilled]

Yes. I do hold back but I didn't originally. I could tell I bothered him with my venting about how I believed that he really didn't care much about me. I'm just a client. He's a therapist. Let's be real here. Blah blah blah....

I still think this but I don't come out and say it anymore. He is a human being and he's trying to do his job. For me, there just comes a point where I'm not sure it would help to divulge all my negative crap about him. What can he possibly say to make it better, you know? /:

He seems to want me to share it though so then I'm caught in a bind. I tell him and it annoys him after awhile or I keep it to myself and it becomes the elephant in the room. I'm not sure what the answer to this question is right now....

[Flyawayblue]

I always do. I forget my T was trained and paid to do this. I sometimes fear I might hurt her feelings. So I sometimes hold my true feelings back.

Also I sometimes tend to apologize to my daughters T for her behavior in therapy.

[someone321]

Probably it's weird but not really... We had this discussion last time when my T was curious why I am so worried that I send too many e-mails, stay at the session more than exactly 60min etc. and I said that I am worried that I'll annoy her... Then she asked if I am afraid that she'll be angry with me or I'll hurt her... And I said that I don't think so as I don't think that it is possible... We discussed it a bit and then she agreed that probably it is not possible that I'll make her angry but... She didn't get the point
I won't hurt her or make her angry because we can be hurt mostly by the people about who we care about... I cannot hurt my T (I don't mean anything like throwing a chair at her of course) because I am her job, why should she be upset with me knowing that after 60 min I'll be gone? Of course she could be pissed for a while for some reason but for sure not deeply hurt... I don't mean so much to be able to cause it

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by OneWorld

Do you worry about making your T feel bad when you are open about your feelings in session? Sometimes I don't say what I am thinking because I'm afraid it will make my T feel bad. She is another person, after all. I wouldn't normally say things to someone that I know will make them doubt themselves.

Feeling torn about this!

I've had this same debate with myself, when do I keep my mouth shut to be nice vs. when should I be brutally honest. I want to say there's nothing wrong with being totally honest, but we both know there sometimes is. My T has a child with down syndrome, and I would never say "wow that must suck for you" because that would be a horrible and awful just miserable thing to say. Really I think it is a case by case thing you need to decide as you go along. With a T you can say quite a lot so long as you deliver things in a nice way, I have told my T feels that probably weren't great about him figuring it's part of the transference really. I'll hesitate if I'm not sure to give myself time to think it through.

[nottrustin]

There was once it became an issue for me but it came well after the fact. When I was angry about a couple of my coworkers who had mothers who are very involved (full time free babysitters, buy a lot of the kids clothing, see their kids a lot) yet the coworkers talk so negatively about those parents. I was angry because my mom died young and my kids never got to know her. I also said that I was mad because people choose to shut their mothers out. She said something like not everybody has a good healthy mother. Sometimes that relationship is toxic. I kind of nastily said well I would take my mother any way at this point but I don't get a choice. Fast forward a couple of months and I found out her mother is still very much alive but they have no contact as her mother because her mother is toxic for her...oops

PS this board also made me realize how unhealthy the mother/child relationship can be.

[nottrustin]

Originally Posted by someone321

Probably it's weird but not really... We had this discussion last time when my T was curious why I am so worried that I send too many e-mails, stay at the session more than exactly 60min etc. and I said that I am worried that I'll annoy her... Then she asked if I am afraid that she'll be angry with me or I'll hurt her... And I said that I don't think so as I don't think that it is possible... We discussed it a bit and then she agreed that probably it is not possible that I'll make her angry but... She didn't get the point
I won't hurt her or make her angry because we can be hurt mostly by the people about who we care about... I cannot hurt my T (I don't mean anything like throwing a chair at her of course) because I am her job, why should she be upset with me knowing that after 60 min I'll be gone? Of course she could be pissed for a while for some reason but for sure not deeply hurt... I don't mean so much to be able to cause it

I have on a couple of occasions stating that I am sorry if I am bothering or annoying her when we are emailing each other. She always tell me that if there is a problem with it she will let me know so not to worry.

[tinyrabbit]

My T told me it is completely fine for me to hurt his feelings and if I do it's not my problem. I have yet to get my head around this.

[OneWorld]

When I brought up these issues, T told me just what I expected (and what you all said) ... "I'll take care of me, you just think about you."

Even though I knew she would say it, I felt better after having heard it. I still apologized and explained too much but it felt good to have talked about the awkward things.

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