[HazelGirl]

Sometimes, it hits me how much I need my T, and it terrifies me. Right now, I am thinking about how important she is to me, and I'm sort of freaking out because I didn't ever want her to be that important. I don't want to need her. But I do, and I am terrified of that.

(On the flip side of this, I feel sort of comforted by the fact that she is so consistent and available. I know she's not going anywhere any time soon. It doesn't stop me from being so afraid, but it helps a little.)

Anyone else feel that fear at random times?

I'm feeling fear right now. I hate that he's so important to me, and that I'm just a simple business transaction. He'll never care the way I want him to, in any capacity. Sometimes I wonder if therapy is unhealthy in the fact that it is building up false pretenses about a relationship that is just going to end, and isn't real in the least. It seems very unnatural.

[Raging Quiet]

It won't always be that way.. It's part of the healing.

[sweepy62]

yes, I dont need her , at least I dont have the urgency of needing her like I did with my old t, but I fear that feeling, but then again, its a good comfortable feeling to have someone there for you. I know its scary, but I think you just have to let it take its course, like a stomach bug or something, sorry i love to use analogies, im thinking Im gonna start needing my t alot sooner than i thought, so i will be relying on your oppinion.

[monkeybrains21]

I don't attach to ppl usually. Too many ppl have lied and stabbed me in the back left or died so I don't attach. Right now I'm attached to 1 my partner. If something happened I'd probably seriously die. But anyone else in my life no tears or feelings.

[HazelGirl]

It's not that I necessarily want that feeling to go away. I want her near as much as I need her near. But OMG, the fear that comes with that... I don't quite know how to explain what I am feeling. It's like a warm fuzzy feeling, and yet I am terrified. Maybe one day, I can feel like she's present and caring, and not feel tons of fear along with that.

[HazelGirl]

You know what I think it is? My T and I were talking about something called "The Five Love Languages". It's sort of how people give and receive affection, gratitude, connection, care, and love. The love languages are:

Quality Time - spending lots of time with someone means a lot to them
Gift giving - giving (and receiving) gifts means a lot to them
Acts of service - doing things for someone and having things done for them means a lot to them
Words of Affirmation - being verbally thanked and praised means a lot to them
Physical Touch - being touched (non-sexually, such as a hug, hand on shoulder, comforting pat, etc...) means a lot to them

And I was telling her that my love languages are touch and words of affirmation. Well, obviously, there's plenty of words in therapy. But she said that now that she knows that one of my top two is touch, she will make especially certain that she does things like gives me hugs at the end of sessions.

I sort of felt like after that session I had told her too much, like she knew how to more easily get past my defenses. And like I didn't want her to care about me by trying to make sure she did things that accommodated me like that. And I think that's a major reason I feel like this now. I think I am still freaking out about that, and about how much just the comment that she would try to show me love and care in the ways I receive it best meant to me. It makes me anxious, and yet makes me feel important.

[HazelGirl]

Oh, and I know touch is controversial. Really, it's nothing that we haven't already done (give hugs at the end of appointments) unless one of us has a cold or something, but it was more the comment that she wanted to make sure she did that, and make it important, that impacted me.

[Wysteria]

I know I have been in absolute panics before due to feeling like T might have an accident or die or just whatever...

To me it all comes down to vulnerability. Because we care...because he knows so much about me, because he helps me so much, because he is such a big part of my internal life...there will be vulnerability.

But that is part of any loving relationship of any kind. When we trust there will be vulnerability...that they could shame us, abandon us, hurt us, whatever our fears may be....but it is true in every solid and healthy relationship. It's how we learn to overcome these fears and vulnerabilities through trust and time and sharing and growing...that we learn how to have better, healthy relationships with self and others. I suck at this right now...but I know I am learning. It takes time...

Keep talking to T and learn some self-soothing techniques and be a little gentler and kinder with yourself. That is the first relationship you have...and the basis of many fears as well.

I hope this doesn't sound to "kooky", but that is how I am learning to trust and have a little faith in the process, him, me and just life. I have to assume, that he and I will be here another day and for more caring and healing....

Plus I had him give me a written guarantee that he will stay safe and never leave!!!
Just kidding... lol....

Hang in there....
WB

[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

You know what I think it is? My T and I were talking about something called "The Five Love Languages". It's sort of how people give and receive affection, gratitude, connection, care, and love. The love languages are:

Quality Time - spending lots of time with someone means a lot to them
Gift giving - giving (and receiving) gifts means a lot to them
Acts of service - doing things for someone and having things done for them means a lot to them
Words of Affirmation - being verbally thanked and praised means a lot to them
Physical Touch - being touched (non-sexually, such as a hug, hand on shoulder, comforting pat, etc...) means a lot to them

And I was telling her that my love languages are touch and words of affirmation. Well, obviously, there's plenty of words in therapy. But she said that now that she knows that one of my top two is touch, she will make especially certain that she does things like gives me hugs at the end of sessions.

I sort of felt like after that session I had told her too much, like she knew how to more easily get past my defenses. And like I didn't want her to care about me by trying to make sure she did things that accommodated me like that. And I think that's a major reason I feel like this now. I think I am still freaking out about that, and about how much just the comment that she would try to show me love and care in the ways I receive it best meant to me. It makes me anxious, and yet makes me feel important.

This is just lovely - what an amazing T you have. I am so envious! She really sounds attuned and empathetic. I also relate to your fears about vulnerability but I think you will grow so much if you allow her to show you the love and care you refer to. This is such a special thing. You are obviously very important to her and she obviously cares very much for you. I am sure this will be very healing although scary. Keep us posted.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

This is just lovely - what an amazing T you have. I am so envious! She really sounds attuned and empathetic. I also relate to your fears about vulnerability but I think you will grow so much if you allow her to show you the love and care you refer to. This is such a special thing. You are obviously very important to her and she obviously cares very much for you. I am sure this will be very healing although scary. Keep us posted.

She really is extremely empathetic and attuned, and she owns up to it when she isn't so great, haha. And yeah, I am grateful for her, very much so.

And although I know it's good for me and all, it's still really scary! Like I said, it makes me feel important and special, like "she would be willing to do that for me???" but also super anxious.