[GenCat]

Basically when I told T there is a possibility of me being a lesbian, she said if I was just choosing that because it was safer to be with a woman than a man. Ive never thought about if it was "safe" or "not safe" I just thought if I can look at a woman and be sexually attracted to her, well I am probably gay. But I cant say for sure because ive never been in an intimate relationship with a woman. So maybe I am choosing safety, but how do I know its safer if ive never had sex with both male or female?

[smmath]

I think that she may be wrong, but that's not the point. It is perfectly good to be gay or bi or straight, so I wouldn't worry about why you are the way you are. I think that focusing on the emotions surrounding that is more important.

[HazelGirl]

It's possible, I guess. Maybe if men hurt you in the past, you subconsciously choose women to be attracted to so you don't have to deal with men. But I don't think that's always the case. And it's certainly not always a choice. I don't really know how one might go about sorting that out, though.

[shabur]

I see her response as strange. I can't imagine a T giving you such a definitive response. I would expect a "let's discuss" response. It doesn't matter what you are as long as you are happy.
I would suggest talking this through with your therapist. There are several factors involved.

[grimtopaz]

Originally Posted by GenCat

Basically when I told T there is a possibility of me being a lesbian, she said if I was just choosing that because it was safer to be with a woman than a man. Ive never thought about if it was "safe" or "not safe" I just thought if I can look at a woman and be sexually attracted to her, well I am probably gay. But I cant say for sure because ive never been in an intimate relationship with a woman. So maybe I am choosing safety, but how do I know its safer if ive never had sex with both male or female?

I find your therapist's response to be very odd. No one "chooses" who they are attracted to (they might, however, choose their behavior). I think that the appropriate response for a therapist would be to emphasize that they still accept you/don't see you any differently, and help you process your feelings.

Also, whether you feel safe or unsafe around men has nothing to do with who you are attracted to, but it might affect your behavior. It almost sounds as if she were trying to convince you that you are not a lesbian. But, I wasn't there, so I don't know how to interpret it.

You do NOT need to have slept with someone of the same gender to know you are gay/bi. No one tells heterosexual folks that they can't be sure they are straight if they are still virgins. It's like saying that people who haven't had sex are all asexual! If you speak to gay and bi folks, the majority of them KNEW they were attracted to the same (or same and opposite) genders.

There is no "test" you have to pass to be certain sexual orientation. It's about who you are attracted to (or have the potential to be attracted to -), and how you decide to label yourself.

[CantExplain]

Ts make guesses, but they are often wrong. It is OK to tell them so.

[Petra5ed]

Well in regards to your sexuality, you are going to be a way better judge than your T on what that is! I'm not sure what she meant by it being "safe" to be a lesbian, that's a very strange thing to say. My only guess is that maybe if you were abused by a man in the past she might think you are afraid of men for that reason? I would really ask your T.

[GenCat]

She told me because my father left when I was young and the only other person (male) in my life is my grandfather and she said he was sometimes physically abusive (excessive belt hitter) and he is not emotionally supportive, nor is my father. Those are really the only reasons she said I was choosing safe in women. But thing is my mom wasn't emotionally there for me, and can be verbally abusive too.

[stopdog]

I would ask a therapist who said that to me if they would say the same thing to a man (mistreated by his father or other men) who said he was attracted to women and so on.
It seems an insane and stupid thing to say in my opinion.

[HazelGirl]

I don't know whether she's right. But I would lean towards her not being correct on this.

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by GenCat

She told me because my father left when I was young and the only other person (male) in my life is my grandfather and she said he was sometimes physically abusive (excessive belt hitter) and he is not emotionally supportive, nor is my father. Those are really the only reasons she said I was choosing safe in women. But thing is my mom wasn't emotionally there for me, and can be verbally abusive too.

She's reflecting very out-dated analytic views. Together with her seeming lack of knowledge about boundaries, it appears to me that she is very inadequate in her training.

[Favorite Jeans]

Just for fun here, let's explore the notion that it's "safer" to be a lesbian. I guess in the limited sense of "safer sex" you do have certain advantages like not getting accidentally pregnant and being at less risk of getting an STI. So there's that. On the other hand, there's the phenomenon where you try to simply tell a therapist about your sexual orientation and they scramble to find a way to frame it as a pathological adaptation to childhood abuse. That feels not so safe to me. Also there's that way in which young lesbians get kicked out of their homophobic parents' homes sometimes when their sexual orientation is discovered. Not safe either. Then there's job, housing and healthcare discrimination. Not feeling safe there. Also if you care about stuff like basic legal protections for your family and marriage/partnership you're frankly still SOL in most of the US and the rest of the world. All in all it strikes me as the kind of thing you wouldn't just do for convenience. Finally, lesbian relationships sadly are no healthier, easier or less likely to become abusive than straight ones. So to me, your T's hypothesis is pretty freakin' flimsy.

[GenCat]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

She's reflecting very out-dated analytic views. Together with her seeming lack of knowledge about boundaries, it appears to me that she is very inadequate in her training.

This is her third year as a counselor.

[GenCat]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

pathological adaptation to childhood abuse. That feels not so safe to me. Also there's that way in which young lesbians get kicked out of their homophobic parents' homes sometimes when their sexual orientation is discovered. Not safe either. Then there's job, housing and healthcare discrimination. Not feeling safe there. Also if you care about stuff like basic legal protections for your family and marriage/partnership you're frankly still SOL in most of the US and the rest of the world. All in all it strikes me as the kind of thing you wouldn't just do for convenience. Finally, lesbian relationships sadly are no healthier, easier or less likely to become abusive than straight ones. So to me, your T's hypothesis is pretty freakin' flimsy.

I love what you said here! Plus adding to the fact I am a Christian, most all people I know are Christians. And I've had to live a lie about myself for like 6 years. I would say its harder for me to say I'm gay than it would be to say I'm straight.

[coolibrarian]

I agree with what FavoriteJeans said AND I think your T may be uncomfortable with lgbtq issues. And, you say she's only been a counselor for three years. I would discuss these things with her. And I'd like to add, being lgbtq has less to do with whom you sleep with, than many other things. You can be lgbtq and be a big in, or celibate, or not having sex for many other reasons.

[coolibrarian]

"Big in" should say "virgin."

[kororain]

I don't think we choose who we're attracted to. I've tried! Hehe! Every few years, I explore the possibility of being into women. In so many ways, it just seems cleaner and easier than dealing with men. But nope. I checked. Still like dudes.

Your T is being ridiculous.

[grimtopaz]

I want to add, it's the equivalent of a T telling a straight female patient that she is "choosing" men because it's safer since her mother was distant. Yep, doesn't make sense either.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Cherbiej

"Big in" should say "virgin."

I assumed it meant you don't go out.

[growlycat]

I am wary of your T's answer because:

1: You JUST told her that you think you might be a lesbian
and
2. It seems her Christian beliefs are a part of her therapy , not just her belief system outside the office

I tend to want to call BS on her remarks.

Only you know your orientation…I can't imagine a T trying to say I'm straight because my early abuser was female. I'm heterosexual because I just am.

Just stay aware of your inner voice telling you if this is the right T or not for you.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I have a step-aunt who went through csa. She said she choose to be a lesbian. Now I don't know if she then was bi all along?

I have a lot of issues with men, but I have very close relationships with women. I always wonder if it would be easier for me if I was a lesbian or at least bi. But I have no sexual attraction to women... so that's just the way it is at least for me.

You can be whatever sexual orientation you are or want to be. You can have an excuse or it's just the way you are. You don't have to defend such topics to anyone... So long as you're healthy, happy, not hurting anyone, and not doing anything illegal: just be yourself

[tinyrabbit]

Man it makes me sad when I hear about people using Christian beliefs to justify ignorance and bigotry. When you ask people why they think that they can't even tell you where in the bible it is and have no proper understanding of the relevant passages. Sorry to drag this off-topic though...

I think it's inappropriate for your T to tell you this. Ts are not psychic. It might have been okay as a question but not as a statement.

[becca_hh]

Wow... this thread! Why is it okay for a T to question motives for behaviors, needs, and desires in every area but sexual orientation? I think your therapist is wise and brave for giving you that thought to think about.

Personally, I think people can have an innate sexual desire for the same sex, or can be pushed that direction by trauma. For your therapist to not raise the topic would be to assume you are in the first category, and assumption does not make for a good therapist. Talking about it, thinking about it, and examining how your trauma could possibly have affected your sexuality will help you understand yourself better- and THAT is her job.

[grimtopaz]

I actually know quite a bit about this topic, so I am just going to say what I know/think. It gets kind of "nerdy".

I am quite familiar with research studies on the etiology ("causes") of sexual orientation (nothing conclusive, to say the least), and there is really no evidence of a causal (correlational means that two variables (traits/events/etc)) are linked, (causal means that one factor causes another).

For example, while LGBT folks tend to have higher rates of mental health issues, abuse, etc, there is NO evidence that mental illness/abuse CAUSES LGBT sexual orientation. Rather, it can be a result of prejudice, random occurrence, or there can be "third" variables (other events that influence both mental health, childhood abuse/neglect AND non-heterosexual sexual orientation).

(Note: I have a Ph.D. in a research heavy field, and I have read about sexual orientation out of personal interest, not as part of my professional activities.)

There is some research on "sexual fluidity" (changes of sexual orientation based on experience), in particular based on women. Different women have different levels of "fluidity" (roughly meaning ability for their sexual orientation to change based on circumstances). And yes, events in one's life can alter the trajectory of one's sexual orientation development. However, in NO way does that mean that one "chooses" it. Furthermore, they don't know what those events are - other than the classic example of higher levels of same-sex behavior reported in environments were folks are primarily exposed to members of the same-sex and NOT the opposite-sex.

If you read the policies from the American Psychological Association (governing body of professional psychologists) they state that sexual orientation is considered to be in a spectrum AND that, like with any other trait, there are multiple complex variations in sexual orientation that sometimes change over time.

They state there is NOTHING pathological with non-heterosexual orientations. Psychologists are not there to judge it OR try to change it. Their job, if appropriate, is to help the patient cope with any distress that may result from their sexual orientation (discrimination, internalized-homophobia, etc.)

That being said, it's important to think what you want from your therapist and whether she is able to provide it. If you want her to just accept you for who you are, just tell her that's why you brought it up, that you are not interested in exploring how SHE thinks you've developed your sexual orientation. If you want her help coping with internalized feelings of shame, then let her know.

A lot of therapists get minimal training in LGBT issues, unless it's a particular interest of theirs, or live in a place where it can almost not be avoided (San Francisco, Seattle, etc.). Even therapists in LGBT friendly places can have their own prejudices (and not be even aware of it!). At the same time, therapists without much LGBT issues training, can be great due to their personal experiences, etc.

I know it's a VERY tough conversation to have (I was terrified!), but when I came out to my therapist as bisexual, I was very direct in asking her, her opinions and expressing times when I thought she was being "insensitive". She was not defensive at all, and was very thoughtful about what I had to say. This was a good sign.

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by becca_hh

Wow... this thread! Why is it okay for a T to question motives for behaviors, needs, and desires in every area but sexual orientation?

Asking a question = fine. Making a pronouncement, not so much...