Upset at T and acting out

I talked to my T today. I started out by saying that I get very nervous and always feel ashamed to share my feelings. She was understanding and said that we have to get through that...I have to put things into words for therapy to work.

This last couple of sesions I've been emailing her before the session cause it's easier for me that way. But she wants me to actually read out loud the things I write, even after she read them so we can discuss. This is really hard for me.

I complained alot during the session, sort of beating myself verbally, saying how stupid I feel.. are things are always the same.

She didn't want to keep talking cause she says it's not good if I don't have anything to say...only dwell on how unhappy I am.

She told me to write down something "productive" for the next session and avoid just rummbling and complaining cause that's not getting me anywhere.

(I'm rummbling here, sorry).

Anyways, I was so upset, I got home and emailed her right away, a very sarcastic email...I know I was totally acting out.

Told her how believe life is a wonderful challenge. How I will leave the fear and shame aside. Do positve things, not sabbotage myself, not try to feel my void with things that hurt me. That way I'll be happy.
I also wrote sarcastically "Well I' guess I'm ready to write a self-help book now". I ended the email by saying "I'm cured".

I'm not sure if I'm getting my point here...the thing is that I was so upset for her not letting me dwell on how miserable and hopeless I feel...(which I know she's trying to help) that I wrote that sarcastic note on purpose.

It's stupid. I know. But was the only was I was able to express (actually act out) my anger and frustration. I feel so childish now...Want to hide.

Hey. That doesn't sound stupid to me, it sounds really very understandable.

Sounds to me like you took a really huge risk to tell your therapist that you feel very nervous and ashamed to share your feelings. Just telling her that may have felt really very embarassing for you. I think it is really amazing that you took such a risk. Well done :-)

I'm so very very sorry that it didn't pay off for you :-(

I don't know why that happens sometimes. But it can hurt a lot.

I love sending emails too. I've had some therapists I would send emails to prior to seeing them. I had one therapist I used to write to and I'd drop the letters off where she worked during the week so she could have a think about them before we met. I did that because I found it next to impossible to say anything in sessions... I was cringing too much in embarrassment... And she started giving me a hard time about how if I didn't have anything to say I may as well leave... And so I started with the letters. It helped for a while. But out relationship deteriorated for other reasons (mostly because of my drug abuse and she would panic a lot about that).

Sounds to me... Like your therapist is being a bit too hard on you. Not appreciating the risks you are taking. When the risks you do take don't pay off and they ask us to take more risks it is like we are put in this horrible position. We want to trust them (that is why we take the risks we do) but we can't trust them (because the risks we take don't pay off). They show us that they are incapable of handling our self disclosures in a way that is healing. And eventually... Some come to... Punish us in frustration.

Though things don't necessarily have to get to that point.

But sometimes they do...

Sounds like you felt frustrated. I get why. I really really do.

With the complaining... It is your session so you should be allowed to complain as much as you like is the way I think of it. Sometimes therapists have different opinions on that, however. Her telling you to stoppit and to do something productive isn't really terribly helpful unless she is prepared to show you how to go about stopping it and how to go about heading your thoughts in more 'productive' directions. I don't see why you should stoppit anyway.

I often find I get stuck in a 'woe woe is me' place if... Someone is listening to me and they don't appear to be sympathising with my distress. If they don't seem moved by it (if they seem to find it distasteful) then I'll grumble on in an attempt to convince them that I am JUSTIFYABLY upset.

People act out because they don't know how else to communicate.

That doesn't excuse it, but it certainly does explain it. It makes it understandable even though it isn't particularly acceptable.

Could you have a go at explaining to her why you felt so upset?

Apologise for acting out and convey to her that you do understand that it was inappropriate but that you couldn't see how else to express your distress...

And try and explain what you find distressing and maybe how she could help you deal with that.

Sounds like she has some repairing relationship kinda stuff to be getting on with....

Hello I hope things get easier for you as you work with your therapist. I really feel that your therapist is trying to let you learn that it is okay to talk to her about the things you need help with and it is not in any way a threat to you. I am sorry it is so uncomfortable for you at this time, but therapy gets easoier when you feel that your therapist is HELPING you and you are making progress in your life because of the work the therapist is helping you with. Things get better with time hang in there and try to stay positive, and honest when you can. Take care Soidhonia

Everyone had something deep to say, so I'll skip that part & just say your sarcasm was hilarious.--Suzy

Thanks guys so much for your replies. Today I had a tough day...I wanted to talk to my T, I miss her altough I'm upset.
And I was so frustrated with therapy and life in general...I cried myself to sleep and actually prayed God I wouldn't wake up ever again.

*Alexandra, thanks a lot for your enocuragement. I did take a big risk at telling her how nervous and embarrasaed I was. About it paying off or not...I guess I'll have to wait and see. I was very upset at the time I posted. But now I'm thinking she has a point.

I totally agree with what you said about acting out because unable to communicate. It would have been much more mature to express my frustration.

*Sodhonia, I really hope you are right and therapy gets easier...but right now, it just feels threating...I'll try to be honest with her...about being positive...I can't do that yet

*Suzy you made me smile
I'm not sure my t will find it hilarious though!