flashback against T..

I saw T on Thursday...we had so much to discuss, emotional things and some serious things that we needed to talk about.

He was about to answer a vulnerable question of mine, and he turned and put his folder and pen on the desk and suddenly I just freaked the f** out.
I have no idea what started it, nor do I remember parts of it...but at one point, he tried to come closer because he could see me get really afraid, I finally burbled out "get the **** back ." He never leaves me when dissociated because he knows that I think he keeps me safe when I am away....This is SOOO out of character for me. I truly think he is the only safe person in my life. He backed up and finally left the room to help me relax. Thus I felt scared and abandoned. It just could NOT have been worse. Almost wrecked on way home.

I feel awful and even though T and I talked briefly yesterday to clear the air, I just am too overwhelmed I am trying to fix it in my head. I am also doing self-destructive stuff to cope with these emotions and cannot stop the inundations of thoughts and feeling. I have been journaling and things to ground, but they are not helping a bit.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I cannot take this all back nor do I want to live with this pain. I've only reacted like this like once 4 years ago. I cannot figure it out, nor picture him doing anything but getting up and backhanding me.

I have been feeling very insecure and betrayed lately, which explains some of it, but I knew even as I started to freak out that T would not hurt me... I even thought someone else had come into the room...just knew they were there.

I'm really afraid for myself and my relationship with T. I know what I'm doing is wrong...but I can NOT stand the pain of losing the last person in my iife. And that is not an exaggeration.... I know that these behaviours are very wrong and have been fighting all day and last night. I'm hurting emotionally, mentally and now physically...

I'm just so out of control and even the basic things I do to calm have no effect on me. I just want to feel safe, but am making it all worse.

WB

I am so sorry to hear this happened to you. It sounds exhausting and confusing. I get what you mean about your head seeking out ways to fix it, but feeling overwhelmed, and wanted to point out that it's not your job to fix this immediately. You and your T can work together to fix it together. I know it's impossible to just tell yourself to stop worrying, but please try to take some of the pressure off yourself, and remind yourself that you are doing the best you can right now this second.

It sounds a really painful session for you and really raw.

Sometimes in therapy, we can project whoever we want the t to be and if you were feeling your most vulnerable, it's understandable that you had a turn, it was your body protecting you.

Take care

Take care WB, these feelings will pass and it's not always possible to think your way through them. I know it can feel terrifying, so be kind to yourself. Soup

((((((Wysteria))))))

Can you remember what might have been helpful the last time this happened, four years ago?

I am sorry you're suffering.

But could you possibly try to stop and acknowledge that you were triggered, that it was out of your control, and that it's okay that you felt afraid and abandoned? Can you try to accept those thoughts and feelings, and try to work with them, rather than push them away?

(((((((( Wysteria ))))))))
Safe and gentle hugs..

Wysteria, dear, what you are doing is not wrong. These behaviors are a reaction to past trauma. I really believe that your T will understand, and this will not negatively affect your relationship. Tell him your fears about this, and perhaps the two of you can talk about what he might do to best help you when things like this happen. Please don't berate yourself. Thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs and support, and understanding.

Yes, actually I remember it clearly. He was sitting next to me and wanted to do some "empty chair" work...so he went and got a chair and banged it down in front of me (they are kind of heavy) and all the sudden I started to lose it...he looked very, very tall and again, thought he was angry and would hit me. He never would...he is so very gentle and patient with me...

This time he just turned to put down the pad and pen...like he was preparing to hit me...and in my mind I saw it coming....

I don't know...it is confusing and scary.


I'm sorry, for some reason I thought you asked what happened 4 yrs ago.... I just do not remember how we fixed it except a whole lot of time and re-trust building...and he promised not to "bang" anything big down in front of me.... I remember he seemed scared of me for a while and overly cautious like I might get up and attack him... I'm not mean or violent and would never hurt him on purpose....

there is nothing more that he could possibly do...he is so kind and trustworthy...all the poor man did was set down the pad of paper and pen to turn to me to discuss something...I'm totally at a loss.... The man works sooooo very hard to earn my trust and then I freak out on him...

I'm pretty confident that he can handle all this as he knows exactly what's going on even if all the particulars aren't available to you or him yet ...

More than likely y'all will go over it at your next session in an effort to try to figure out what it was that caused the trigger and flashback and reaction to it.

It is frightening when these things happen and often confusing as we aren't always aware of what brought them on.

I'm still sometimes gobsmacked by some of the ones I have, but others come to me now and I'm like, Wow! ... Wonder where that came from (while knowing it's a flashback) and I actually enjoy trying to puzzle it out and place it.

Here's a gentle if, okay ...

In between now and your next session be extra patient, gentle & kind with yourself, and if it might make you feel better until then, you can always call him and let him know you're a bit concerned about your flashback and would like to discuss it at your next session ... Sometimes simply leaving a message on the answering machine helps to ease the worry.

[QUOTE=Pfrog;3797599]I'm pretty confident that he can handle all this as he knows exactly what's going on even if all the particulars aren't available to you or him yet ...

More than likely y'all will go over it at your next session in an effort to try to figure out what it was that caused the trigger and flashback and reaction to it.

It is frightening when these things happen and often confusing as we aren't always aware of what brought them on.

Yes, we talked briefly yesterday...he knew I was terribly disturbed...he left me a message last week to save and listen to when I'm upset...so been listening to that. I hate that I don't even remember what happened after a certain point. He helped me remember parts of it. I hate being out of control and "naked" so to speak.

It's just that all the ***** that's been happening around me is swirling with this...makes it more intense and like every male around me is lying to me. I never want to see him as "male" either.

Hugs are always welcome...thank you....
Sorry so disjointed...
wb

[QUOTE=Raging Quiet;3797387]It sounds a really painful session for you and really raw.

Sometimes in therapy, we can project whoever we want the t to be and if you were feeling your most vulnerable, it's understandable that you had a turn, it was your body protecting you.

I know it sounds stupid, and I think I understand, but in a way, I made my body and "self" much MORE vulnerable by NOT being there to deal with it and to keep control.... I hate not being able to protect myself when I go "away" like that...although usually stay in the room...

I really, really thought someone else had come in the room with us...that's why he left thinking that I meant him too....it is all messed up in my head...

I'm so glad he left you a soothing message to listen too, that right there let's you know he's not going to abandon you when the going gets tough!

I don't like being stripped bare emotionally either ... It's a frightening place in which to be, especially when we dissociate.

Again, be extra patient, gentle and kind with yourself ... I often state that to myself over and over while doing some deep breathing exercises until I actually feel myself starting to feel calm and collected again.

I also often pat myself on the tummy or gently rub my forearm and assure my inner child that we're going to be okay, that I'm doing the best I can to help keep us safe, even when the process gets for us sometimes.

Wysteria, this is really scary, but it does go away. It's happened in my therapy several times so far, but it always, always, ALWAYS goes away, and my feelings for T get back to normal and it's safe again.

My therapist might say that it would be helpful talk through whatever it was you were discussing before it happened, as that was likely the trigger to this emotional memory.

I was just writing on another thread about how we get to a point where we trust our therapist and start to open up, which leads to regression, which leads to the flashbacks since we are now experiencing things like we did when we were a small child (in the regression).

It will be safe again.

I've had similar flashbacks during session. You will get past this. It is overwhelming when and right after it happens, but my T was always completely understanding and our relationship was really completely unaffected beyond that first awkwardness. It will be okay.