Boundaries: Am I Asking For Too Much?

I realize the email has served some useful purposes, and some not so helpful. My wants me to really work hard at "doing the necessary work in the session." She knows how scary that is for me! I have experienced so much rejection in the past, it is very hard for me to relax and connect with her in person. I'm fearful of asking for what I need in session, of feeling too demanding, etc.

If your T let you depend on her by keeping up this kind of email contact, that would be her letting you down, not showing she cares. For you to grow you will need to walk through pain, it won't be easy. She's your therapist, and she's there to comfort you, but she cant shield you from reality, she cant coddle you. Your desires are normal for someone with the issues you say you have, I have the same issue actually. I've felt so desperate to talk to my T it made me suicidal when I didn't get an email response for a couple days. I think this is something you need to discuss and examine with her in session. Why do you feel this way? Is this not your issue? Is this not what's causing you pain? I'm sorry about the stupid rhetorical questions, :P I'm talking to myself here as well. If your therapist did just give in and email you back all the time you'd never have to look at this issue. But you cant be truly secure and happy if you don't know how to ground yourself. Also, if you really have a crisis you should call. Not in the middle of the night of course though.

Hi Petra5ed,

Yes, part of what made it so hard for me to accept was that my t changed her boundaries after a long time of me getting used to having email support. It felt like intentional deprivation of something I had come to rely on as an important part of my therapy.

My t apologized for changing her boundaries like that. She told me she wishes she had set better limits on email at the beginning. She knows it has been hard for me to adjust to not having any more contact outside of session.

I agree I need to examine the underlying issues about WHY emailing was such a big deal to me, WHY stopping it has felt so devastating, etc. The more I think about it, the more I believe that my t not wanting to reply to me (or not doing so promptly) . It triggered alot of old stuff from my childhood, such as getting in trouble for calling my mom so much at work because I missed her, or being sent to bed with a promise that she would come tuck me in, and then waiting and waiting for what felt like endless amounts of time before she actually did. (I can recall one time when, by the time she showed up to tuck me in, I was in tears thinking that she didn't love me or want to tuck me in.)

Of course, I know my t is not my mom, but I think the whole situation of reaching out via email and then not getting a response is a huge trigger for the underlying stuff from my childhood that I really need to work on and resolve in my t sessions.

Do you hear how backwards that is? You don't consider emailing her as "too demanding" even though it has more potential to be imposing on her private time, but you feel using your arranged session time as the proper time for asking for what you need as "too demanding". Your thinking about this is kind of backwards. You would be much less "demanding" to use your session time to it fullest than to consistently use email outside of session time to ask for connection and input. Perhaps you can work on flipping that around so things are in their proper place for you.

I know you said writing hasn't worked already, but what if you just keep writing to your T but just chose not to send the ones that were maybe too long and involved, and instead brought those with you to read in therapy? This worked for me finally... I just kept writing "to my T" but stopped sending all of them, I'd save the drafts... I'm the same way that it is way easier for me to disclose things in email then in person. At first it was really difficult for me to even read the un-sent emails I brought in, but it got easier with time and experience. (I do think that forcing yourself to say difficult things in therapy can really have a positive effect if your T is any good at all.) If you get in there and really cant say it you can always hand your T the email for her to read in person, I did this once. Now I'm able to go in with what I call "cliff notes." I've hit the point where reading the whole email seems like a waste of therapy time so I jot down the highlights in bullet points and then with my "cliff notes" there to guide me and keep me remembering what I wanted to say I try to talk about it.

My T pretty much did this exact thing with me- all rosy for a year with prompt real responses, then shifting without explanation into generic 1-3 line responses or no responses and saying I'm suddenly crossing boundaries, that suddenly she can't be there for me just bc I have a need.

aka "the feeling is gone."

I don't know about your relationship with your T, but this deterioration started after a major rupture when my T began to dislike me, and lost interest in doing the extra things like email/text for me. She told me she "didn't feel excited about it" anymore.

Maybe just try to let it go, or it will get worse (the T's resentment and withdrawal in response to our need for between session contact)....I think maybe they think the need will diminish over time, but when it doesnt they get annoyed? I dunno.

So, you started experiencing these overwhelming emotions *10 years ago* (?) and right now you're not able to maintain the level of well-being you want, not able to manage those emotions unless you contact her regularly out of session? Sorry if that's sounds harsh: I realize I don't know what your starting point was in terms of if you had other issues to deal with, self-harm or other disorders or such, but 10 years is a long time to be mired. Admittedly, I'm not a patient person.

I would suggest some serious adjustments are necessary. I'd consider adding sessions, doing more intense work around this, or changing therapists.

I don't think the issue is not relying on someone: we all do best when we have a support network, but if it's been 10 years and you don't have enough distress tolerance skills and external support to not expect prompt, thorough replies from T... it's just worth looking at.

As for payment, I see how it could be a touchy subject. I would approach it as: "I really respect your time and don't want our relationship to feel unbalanced because you're spending out of session time helping me without any reciprocation. Can we add one paid email to our therapy schedule per week?"

Or something like that. Perhaps it can be a less expensive alternative to another session and give you that written communication to hold onto in between live work, at least til you manage the DBT skills and make the larger adjustments.

P.S. As far as "trying to shake the neediness" I would not try to shake it. Feelings you try to push away don't stay away. I'd sit there and feel the unbearable-seeming neediness. Let it eat me up and accept it. When I do that type of thing, I often find as painful as it was, the power of it is defused and I see it was just another experience, I can put it in perspective, my life goes on. The feeling of "needing" anything besides food, water, oxygen, and shelter is really just a feeling of wanting something. Sure, there are things that enable us to thrive better, but neediness around contacting her is really just a want.

At any rate, I don't think wanting things is unreasonable, just a matter of whether your therapist can or will accommodate and whether or not it will help you in the long run.

Hi Leah,

I know, 10+ years is a long time to be in therapy and still need contact between sessions. It makes me feel very discouraged with myself! I work very hard in sessions and on my coping skills, but my progress seems so slow. It helps though that my h and t both say they have seen tremendous changes in me over time. My h says I am stronger than I think I am and can deal with more than I think I can.

I guess I just don't trust my own ability to "be OK" when I get under too much stress or bad things happen. I'm unbelievably emotionally sensitive and am affected easily by things I see, hear, perceive, feel, by the way I am treated, etc. I also have trouble just listening to the news or hearing/knowing about all the horrible things people do to one another, etc. I honestly feel like an emotional sponge, in that I take in the painful emotions of other people without wanting to. I very much feel for other people who are suffering and want to help them. But when it comes to wanting to help myself, I just don't feel that desire at all. And when it comes to needing help from others, I feel ashamed to need that.

I feel an internal satisfaction from knowing it is there if I really need it. But the idea of actually taking some of it for myself never feels like "the right time." It's like, "Someday, I am going to cut a piece of that cake and eat it," but not today. And that "someday" never ever comes! I don't know what it is I am waiting for. . .someday before too long, my therapy is going to be over, and it will be too late! My t is 66 now.

I do the same thing with the quilt and afghans my mom made me. I don't use them. They are on the shelf in the closet, and I think someday I will actually take them out and wrap myself up in them and feel warm and cozy. But I can't!

I think I'm terrified of letting anybody or anything comfort me, or getting used to feeling good in relationships, because I am too terrified knowing that eventually, I will have to say goodbye. I can't seem to believe that allowing myself to have that attachment/connection is worth the grief of losing it later.

The whole email thing. . . maybe it's a stand-in for the real relationship that I can't allow myself to form with my t in real time. It's like a continuous rehearsal for a performance that never occurs.

I hate that i do this, and know I am wasting time. I have to find a way to get past my parylizing fear.

I know you said writing hasn't worked already, but what if you just keep writing to your T but just chose not to send the ones that were maybe too long and involved, and instead brought those with you to read in therapy? This worked for me finally... I just kept writing "to my T" but stopped sending all of them, I'd save the drafts... I'm the same way that it is way easier for me to disclose things in email then in person. At first it was really difficult for me to even read the un-sent emails I brought in, but it got easier with time and experience. (I do think that forcing yourself to say difficult things in therapy can really have a positive effect if your T is any good at all.) If you get in there and really cant say it you can always hand your T the email for her to read in person, I did this once. Now I'm able to go in with what I call "cliff notes." I've hit the point where reading the whole email seems like a waste of therapy time so I jot down the highlights in bullet points and then with my "cliff notes" there to guide me and keep me remembering what I wanted to say I try to talk about it.