[DelusionsDaily]

Hi T,

Well, I was up all night last night with horrible stomach pains. It has subsided quite a bit but not completely. I know some of the pain is from eating dairy.

However, I'm having some horrible anxiety/depression with regards to plans for the future(ie:end of 2014). Exercise is helping a little but not a lot. I can't but feel I'm failing grandma at the end of the year by letting my mom and aunt place her in a home. I feel like I'm in a lose-lose situation. Kind of a damned if you do damned if you don't thing.

Mom is getting frustrated with this downturn in mood now. Starting to feel like a burden to her. She says "it's hard for me to watch". Well...DUH, how do you think I feel going through this???!!!???

Hopelessness is definitely setting in. If I can't get and stay well....what's the point in trying? I don't want to keep trying just to get only a few months relief. It just doesn't seem worth it. I work my *** off to get well only to have it all ripped out from under me again. Maybe it's time to find a psychiatrist and get meds adjusted a bit.

Will call insurance and find out how to use mental health benefits. Might need referral from PCP I don't know.

Right now I'm gonna take a nap before going to DBT

Thanks,
melisssad81

[HazelGirl]

Setbacks happen. They're normal and expected, even though I know they are really frustrating.

[sweepy62]

Is your grandma going to be placed in a nursing home permanently? Im sorry for how you are feeling I know how stressful that can be. Hospice is helping, but im still doing the majority plus dealing with emotional stress. Dont give up on your therapy.

[DelusionsDaily]

HazelGirl I know setbacks happen. They just get me depressed and feeling hopeless.

Sweepy: she is not being placed in a nursing home permanently till probably the end of the year. Thanks for understanding. But sorry you are going through something similar.

[Wysteria]

Dear Melissa,

I am so sorry for the frustration and pain you are feeling. I have read your posts in the past and have heard how much your grandmother means to you and how close your are, and what a wonderful granddaughter you have been to her. You have taken on a lot to give her what she wanted and to take such good care of her. Your feeling of helplessness to change what is going to happen is enormous... I can feel it! Please do use your DBT skills to try and self-soothe and make the best decisions possible. I'm sure also that your grandmother feels blessed about what a fine young lady you have become. I have to only guess that there is an element of betrayal in what you are feeling as well...and obviously guilt. So overwhelming, but I'm glad you still have around 6 mo to help make the transitions for her as positive as possible. I hate that you are hurting and wish there was anything I could do to help. Try to know in your heart that YOU have done everything that you could to help avoid this...and in her heart she will always know the battle you fought for her. Take good care of yourself and things will ease as the transition progresses. You have everything to be proud of. So many would not have fought such a valiant battle for her and you cannot ignore that...

Gentlest of hugs,
Wysteria Blue

[Freewilled]

I understand really. Feeling like you're making progress. Fighting so hard through the pain and having it leave so that you truly start to believe its over now. Seeing yourself in a positive light and throwing the bad perspective away like it was never there to begin with.......and then something happens. A crisis. A loss. Something super stressful. And it seems like that cloud that was long gone came right on back it makes me feel like why try so hard when it's all coming back around to this again anyways???

I'm still fighting. I believe dbt skills can help. But personally, I don't believe that they can cure. (That's only my opinion.) I think they help buffer the storms. I'm still holding out for a cure (or semi-cure as I know there is no perfection) and am in long-term therapy. I want to get to the root. I don't even know that it's possible but I'm hoping - hoping through the pain. My T said that his hope for me is that one day I can really come to a place where I can accept my feelings - whatever they might be. (That I could be self-compassionate around them, I think.) I can't seem to wrap my head around how to do that per se, but wanted to pass that one onto you. Thought maybe it might help

[DelusionsDaily]

Wysteria: thanks so much. I have been quite emotional the last few days. Don't know if that the depression, all the other emotions, or both. I'm avoiding my mom at the moment. Just don't want her to see me like this.

Freewilled: it stinks to feel like all the good is being ripped away. Giving up sounds good except I'd be no good to grandma. So I'll be doing therapy and all that jazz mostly so I can continue to care for her when she comes home Friday.

On another note: T has not responded to my email as I slip away more into depression and anxiety. I really need her to respond.

[DelusionsDaily]

T hasn't responded to my email still. Getting more depressed! She must not have had time. She promised she would respond to my emails at this time because of all that is going on.

[DelusionsDaily]

It's been almost 48 hours and she has not responded. I'm done with therapy. She told me she would respond and she hasn't! Grrr! Why did I trust her!!??!!??

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by MELISSSAD81

It's been almost 48 hours and she has not responded. I'm done with therapy. She told me she would respond and she hasn't! Grrr! Why did I trust her!!??!!??

Give it time. Maybe she's been busy or distracted.

Can you call her?

Originally Posted by MELISSSAD81

It's been almost 48 hours and she has not responded. I'm done with therapy. She told me she would respond and she hasn't! Grrr! Why did I trust her!!??!!??

Slow down. Could be many reasons she hasn't responded. Most likely she accidently deleted the email and has simply forgotten about it. Give her a call or email her again. If for some reason my pdoc or T don't get back to me within a day, that's what I do, and in each and every case, they either hadn't gotten my message or had something happen along that line. It was never a deliberate choice to not respond to my need for help. On the contrary, they felt badly that I had been left waiting.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

Slow down. Could be many reasons she hasn't responded. Most likely she accidently deleted the email and has simply forgotten about it. Give her a call or email her again. If for some reason my pdoc or T don't get back to me within a day, that's what I do, and in each and every case, they either hadn't gotten my message or had something happen along that line. It was never a deliberate choice to not respond to my need for help. On the contrary, they felt badly that I had been left waiting.

This is exactly correct. Once my T upset me greatly because she hadn't responded to something.

In reality, she had spent a day or so thinking about it and about how she wanted to respond to the message. It wasn't because she was trying to upset me. She just wanted to respond well. And she was genuinely extremely upset and apologetic that it had caused me so much pain. She had no intention of doing that.

I have had emails not show up in my 'inbox' for weeks after a client thought they sent them. Apparently with certain programs (like Outlook for instance), the email can be stuck in your 'outbox' and remain there pending and is not actually sent.

[DelusionsDaily]

Texted her. If she doesn't respond...I don't know what to do. Depression is getting worse...don't have a pdoc right now so no med adjustments until I find one. Of course I put it off cuz I was doing so well. Didn't think I'd need one so quickly. STUPID ME!!!

[iheartjacques]

Watching my grandma deteriorate due to Alzheimer's was painful. It was almost a relief when she died. But I still miss her so much. I try and carry her faith in me and her belief in me. Her greatest gift was my youngest child was born an hour after she died (didn't know she died till a few hours later)

[iheartjacques]

Grief really sucks all the meds I think

[DelusionsDaily]

She did respond with an email after I texted her. I, then, responded to her email with all that I am trying to find and do to not give depression the win. She then responded with good job etc.

I contacted my friend who sees an NP for meds for depression. I am going to contact the NP tomorrow. Gotta see about getting the meds possibly tweaked or changed. T thinks that would be a good idea. We shall see.