E-mail to T made me even more anxious

I guess I need more rambling...

At last session T was telling me how stabilization methods are important, as she thinks that I dissociate a bit almost all the time by cutting off all my emotions. Of course I do not like any stabilization methods, they seem to be boring and obvious and talking about them is for me like wasting the time... T thinks, however, that when we go deeper into the topic they might be necessarily as all emotions may come out and it will be very difficult... But when I came back from the session I've realized that I do not agree with it as in my opinion I do not separate any emotions, I just do not show them... But I always felt and feel everything very intensive, so probably that's the reason why I do not agree that it will be worse when we go deeper and that stabilization methods won't help much...

And for not known reason, yesterday I decided to let my T know about it by sending an e-mail... I haven't sent any e-mail to her for last weeks as I was doing pretty well, so now probably she'll think that I am in a crisis or whatever... But most probably she won't respond, as she says that if I need her to respond I have to let her know about it... And I didn't as I didn't need, but now I do... Few times even when I didn't ask for any response, she still emailed me back, so now I hope that she'll do the same and this hope irritates me even more... Like I want her to read in my minds... I could send her a short e-mail like "btw. I'd like you to respond to my previous e-mail if possible" but then I'd look even more pitifully... So the only way is to wait till Tuesday but the lack of her response just makes me not wanting to show up at all, and every hour I'm getting more and more anxious...

I do understand the frustration with coping mechanisms. I have the same problem.

But being about two years down this road, I can assure I wish I had practiced them more ahead of time. It is much harder to learn them when all of the difficult emotions are drowning me all the time. And you may think you feel a lot, but even if you feel most things, there's probably still plenty that you have hidden away. It's the only way to really cope with overwhelming trauma when you're so young. Some crazy stuff is going to come out eventually, and you will want to know how to handle it.

About the email, when t hasn't responded and I have something to add or to be sure she knows I”d like a reply, I forward the same email and add my new stuff. It has worked well for us.

We are down to what seems like a core level on some childhood trauma stuff but my t doesn't give me any helpful coping mechanisms. I wish she would. It is very hard sometimes.

I think that acknowledging that you know she won't respond unless you specifically ask her to is important. You didn't ask her to respond but you are upset that she's not responding.

It's hard because we want them to understand us enough to know when we need something but I am learning that we need to ask for what we need. We can't expect others to be able to read our minds.

I think it would be okay to send the second email asking for a response. You could even say what you said here, that you wanted a response but didn't say so.

Good luck

Thank you for responses

Actually I did something opposite, so I've sent an e-mail: "Please ignore the previous e-mail, it was a senseless rambling with which even I don't agree "

I guess it was not the smartest but at least I now can wait till the next session without big problems...

This happens with me too

So I send this second e-mail in which I asked T to ignore the previous one, and in the second one I still didn't ask for any response but I knew that after sending it, I'll be less anxious and will manage till Tuesday...
But surprisingly (or maybe not), I got the response for this e-mail:

"I am sorry, that request comes too late. I have already read it and I am very glad that you wrote it. It clarifies important things.
As I am at xxx, I can not say more, no time…. But we will meet next Tuesday.
My kind regards,"

I guess it confuses me, as my T always says that will not respond to e-mails if I don't ask for it but still does it for 60-70% of e-mails... Thus, I never know what to expect and don't want to talk about it with her because then probably she'll just stop responding...
Writing "we'll meet on Tuesday" seems almost like threatening that she wants to discuss this e-mail... I guess, I'm becoming a bit paranoid...

Yes, you do sound a bit paranoid, haha.

Your T is a very good T. Just trust her a little and try not to freak out too much.

I found it more useful for me to be directive and tell the woman not to respond.
You don't have to talk about if you don't want. Just tell her no is how I would handle it.

I would actually tell her that her not following her own rules about responding to emails is confusing and stressful for you.

I think you did the right thing.

Yes, you are absolutely right I know that she's great and I know that I am just nit-picking... Have I already mentioned that I hate when she's so official with me? I write e.g. Dear First name, and cheers but get responses like Dear last name and with kind regards... Or before the session I say hello, and get back good evening Ech this generation difference - I know, I know, even more nit-picking

Hmmm, just got a brilliant idea Maybe instead of writing my T when I need the response, as she responses even when I don't ask for it, I'd write her when I don't want any response, so all other e-mails will mean that I want a response for them... I guess she would follow the rule that if I write that I don't want any response, she shouldn't send it...