Separation from T

I'd like some input from anybody here who has realized at some point in therapy that they had become too dependent on their t, had been entertaining false hopes that their t could be a bigger part of their lives than they can actually be -- like a second mom. Perhaps some boundary issues about contact between sessions (either email or phone calls), and -- most importantly -- once you finally realized the truth of the limitations of the therapy relationship and the ultimate pain and letdown, how did you proceed from that point on? Did you take steps to reduce their importance to you emotionally? Did you lessen sessions, or put more effort into making other relationships in real life? Or did you keep the same emotional attachment to your t, but somehow get used to the limits?

I'm at this point now and am wondering what to do. I've given it alot of thought, and I don't feel capable of lessening my painful attachment to her without actually putting forth effort to reduce sessions. I know my t doesn't think that's the best idea. I think she would rather that I continue to see her weeklyl and stay attached, while learning to accept the limits.

But I honestly don't know if it's possible for me to let the feelings of attachment and need stay this strong now that I realize it's just a fantasy. What I want most is to step back from my t emotionally until I can process this very painful reality on my own and accept it. I don't want to talk about it in t anymore. We've talked about it enough, and there is nothing else to be done except for me to adjust to the limits of the relationship and including the fact that my will probably be retiring within the next year or so.

Talking about this painful reality and how it is affecting me hurts too much, and I feel it is on my end to work on acceptance. I admit that withdrawal and avoidance aren't the best ways to work on things. But that's the best way I can detach enough to deal with my disappointment.

Does any of this make sense?

PS - I don't mean I want to stop seeing her. But reduce sessions and make a concerted effort not to ask for any sort of extra support, whether it be email communication, a hug, etc. I know it will hurt, but it feels like the best way. Kind of like stopping an addiction.

It's not just a fantasy, is it?
Depends on the therapist, but mine, for example is quite willing to fill the good-enough-mother role- to be consistent, caring, supportive, committed, etc.

Just because she can't always be there, or be there forever or be perfect doesn't mean she can't help me a lot and doesn't want to....

I wish I had more advice from the perspective you're looking for, but my reality is that the attachment is difficult, but beneficial and like you say, the premature withdrawal isn't the best way to work it through in my experience.

It might help to know what you mean by "too dependent" What harm has come to you from depending on your therapist? Maybe from there will come some answers or a way for others to give more concrete help?

I'd probably be asking myself, what could I do to feel comforted between sessions, given the time limits, like whether she could provide me a voicemail to listen to, or a comforting letter or a song to share, etc. That it's not bad to feel so needy if you're not actually doing destructive things because of it, but rather, a signal to work on getting what you need...

I hear you. I feel like I am at the same point now - recognizing the limitations of the therapeutic relationship and trying to decide how to proceed. I'm still seeing my T as frequently but I have definitely backed off emotionally from T. I don't call or email between sessions and I have reduced my expectations of how much T cares about me. I keep reminding myself that ultimately I am just another client and that if I stopped paying for therapy it would not be too long before he would stop seeing me, because ultimately this is his job. I'm actually thinking about canceling today.

So I guess my response is to distance myself and reject therapy altogether. But I also know that stopping completely would hurt me very much; that is the main reason why I've kept going. But things have definitely changed and I feel a big loss.

Sometimes what we need is exactly what we get from our T's. So maybe right now, you need her to take on that role for you.

What we want and what we need are not always the same. You want that emotional distance, but maybe that's not what you need.

Just my thoughts

One of the big things we worked on was my hugely dysfunctional rel w my mother.it took a long time but I finally got to a place where I let go of the pain and was able to forgive my mom for the past. It is only after that work was done and only very recently that I am beginning to feel a natural lessening in my dependence on t. And part of that is when I think about her now between sessions, it's more about the work than 'her'. Like wondering how she will respond to something. I am starting to get in touch with what she calls my "inner therapist" now too, which is quite interesting..... I should share one of those internal convos sometime.

Anyway I struggled a LOT with that dependence on t. I didn't want it, fought against it, tried to quit therapy twice because of it, thankfully she talked me out of it, I can say now. As soon as I basically just let myself go with it, we got through that huge chunk of work about my mom.

Fascinating, this whole "process" and i am in awe of it as a whole.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

I'm having the same problem. I'm finding myself way too emotionally involved with my T. Rather than discuss it (as I feel like we have in the past), I'm just trying to get past it. Unfortunately for me, this means pulling back emotionally and even shutting him out. I'm very black and white. There's no in between for me. It's either be present, and let him in, or shut him out. I've considered stopping therapy altogether, as I have no way to be honest with him about this without appearing needy. I feel that we've discussed my feelings for him (romantic or otherwise) too many damn times, and there's nothing that he can do to make me feel he cares, without him breaking boundaries. I don't want him to break boundaries, so it's basically up to me now to get through this on my own.

Again, I wish I could express this, but there is just no way. I don't have a lot of advice for you, as I am in a similar situation. However, I am making an appointment with another T to talk about my relationship with this one. I'm not ditching the other quite yet...I just want to discuss all of the feelings I have bottled up. There's a lot going on, and until I find an outlet, I'm gonna be miserable. Maybe you can do the same? Even it's just for a session or two? I'm doing it because I want to know whether my feelings are unreasonable, and am hoping another professional can help shed light on that, and how to proceed from here.

*hugs* Hang in there. It's difficult, I know.

I really hope you get through this. For me it stays a struggle too, but I'm always thinking that if I'd run away of try to ignore it (by slowly removing myself, bit by bit) my issue will still be there. Maybe not with this T, but at some point in the future maybe with someone else... or it will linger underneath the surface and never get fixed. So yes, I think it's good to work through it, to grab the opportunity now that it's there. And it is a very scary thing. But exactly as NoddaProbBob says, sometimes what we need and what we want is not aligned. That's painful and frustrating, but I guess also a source of material to learn from.
So I wish for you that you can talk about it with your T, so that you can work on it. I do think it's possible without reducing sessions, but only if you're both aware of what is going on and are willing to address it in therapy.

What does your T think about your feelings toward him/her? Does she feel you are too dependent?
I dunno, I think I would take what T is offering in way of therapy/support until you both feel you are ready to wind down the relationship.
I like a broad base of support. How is it harmful?
I am still in contact with PrevGoodT via email from time to time for catch up and support. I don't see it as an either/or situation...but that's just my opinion.

Basically, I struggle with this. It is currently better. She will play the mom role for me and I sometimes really feel like it is mutual. That she really does see me as a daughter and that helps. She told me she does.

I did lesson communications but not voluntarily. I met her while in patient. I would be around her from 9 to 5 almost daily. The mom feelings were intense but remarkably, when I was discharged and moved to talking to her only once a week, that was by far the hardest. My attachment didn't lessen, the feelings didn't go away, and the amount of pain I felt for 3-5 months would sometimes leave me in bed crying for "mom" all day and hours into the night.

I guess things got better when I started to just accept that she is my mom in my mind. But not a mom for a small child but rather for a person my age who is in college. I can contact her for help, we text a lot, she's always there, and she loves me. That isn't too different from a real mom/daughter relationship I think. Maybe it is. Regardless, I just kind of embraced that I do have a mother finally even if she really isn't you know? Like the fact that it isn't real doesn't bother me because it's kinda real. She is fitting my definition of "mom" in lots of ways. Maybe I'm just deluding myself again and I'll soon crash hard. But I've been kinda at peace with it for maybe two months. I just mostly really miss her right now.

I just went with it. Now the feelings have faded.

I'm really struggling with this at the moment.

I think you make a lot of sense Peaches and it is obvious that you are thinking this through on many levels and have tried very hard to come up with solutions or perspectives that might work.. It is a very emotional issue and there may be no right or wrong solutions. I'm really proud of you for realizing that avoidance/withdrawal aren't the best ways to deal with something this big...

I guess my main thought was actually what about a "transitional" type period. You've said that you are not ready to quit, that she may be leaving in a year, you need the support and maternal type nurturing that she gives you, you want to learn to be more accepting, but yet know that some type of change might help ease things etc.

So instead of learning how a "bad" mom might handle things with abandonment or distancing or abuse, ask your T to help you transition. Keep things the way they are so that you have the support you need. Ask her to help you find a new "safe and maternal" T...I'll bet she knows the good ones...and begin to "wean" off of some of your dependence on her. Dependence is not necessarily a bad thing. And I'll bet she can help with your search and emotional needs as you find new safe and healthy environment. Often times good T's can work together in tandem with one another for transitions like this or to meet needs that they are not able to fill. (some T's are NOT open to this, but I think the good ones are....)

We often need more support than we might be willing or want to admit...but there is a reason for that. We didn't learn how to attach and detach properly. So instead of deprivation or hurt or loss...let her guide you through the process of starting a new and healthy relationship and attachment to someone else. Let it happen the way it is supposed to...and with the guidance and loving support that you need.

It's just an idea...maybe just brainstorming with you a little, and maybe it is too soon to mention it. I guess I just hoped it might be worth considering looking forward a bit. Sometimes just a bit of hope or looking to the future can ease things a bit.

Gentle hugs,
Wysteria Blue

Yes it's like an addiction!! I thought I was doing so much better.but I haven't left T's parking lot because I had to start a thread. I'm going through what you are. I don't have any solutions. I'm busy in my life but miss my weekly sessions. T wants me to separate. from her and feel connected internally but it makes me feel empty inside. I know what you're going through.