Email T today or try to wait?

Is that a typo? f2f??? Is it supposed to be enough? 20 years of therapy. sigh. I don't know why it's not enough. I had decent Ts. My current T says I had all those years of talk therapy and she does things differently. I think maybe my attachment problem just can NOT be solved so I have to just live with it.

Thank you. I meant that I finally feel securely attached to my T, not my Mom, who died about 30 years ago, by the way. What you wrote about not feeling safe and not knowing how to go out in the world and be an individual is exactly what my problem is! My first T told me that in 1984. My current T, as well as the others, have tried to build up my sense of self, in various ways. It's helped, because I've taken risks and become independent in many ways I never was in the past. Also, yes, I probably was merged with my mother, or enmeshed, or whatever you call it. I've wanted to be that with my Ts, most of them, anyway. I told my current T a few years ago that I wanted to be a baby kangeroo and live in her pouch! She accepted of my fantasies about her, and let me talk about them, but at the same time she has encouraged me to learn to self-soothe, not to use her alone for that purpose. I have friends and family, but I tend to use Ts to be what I never had. That's why holding her hand has been so satisfying to me. It feels safe, a feeling I never felt before.

About lessening contact. My T hasn't emailed me back for a few years now and that's not a problem. So, journaling isn't so different except she's not reading it. I can't do anything about seeing her only every 2 weeks. That IS a problem. If I were determined maybe I'd get a part time job to earn the money to pay her, but there's my H to think about. He's always hated my being in therapy yet he's put up with it. I also don't want a job now; I'm too tired. So, I haven't won the lottery either. It's not T's choice to reduce sessions. I don't have the insurance she takes anymore. Every 2 weeks is better than nothing, I think. I have to make it work. I want to. She gave me back holding her hand, and says she will NEVER take it away again. I ask her every session and she says I don't have to ask her anymore. That's something safe that she and I will have as long as I see her.

I see what you mean about becoming more needy and less independent when she "pushes the child away." I do feel like she did that last week so I want to talk about it more. On the other hand, I feel a sense of accomplishment that, even though I felt so bad about my session, and have stresses in my life now, I managed to tolerate my longings to tell it all to her, to email. She's in my heart even if I'm not with her. I do know that, even though the connection doesn't feel as strong as other times. I think I'm making progress in spite of having to separate a little when I'm not quite ready. I know I will hold Ts hand and feel that connection again. Part of me wishes I could be in therapy with you, Moon. 2 or 3 times a week sounds wonderful!!! But, it's not meant to be, not in this lifetime, anyway!

T suggested journaling and said that the writing does something. I guess that's what she meant, it's a catharsis. Why is that? I wanted to know more about why she said that. I've always kept diaries and journals since I was 8 years old. I stopped doing so much when we got a computer, because writing hurts my hands. But I will try to do it more again. Thanks.

Not sure if that was a rhetorical question and/or whether i will be doing it any justice but here is my understanding of it. Typically writing by hand is more involved/complex (i.e. more timely and less automatic) than typing. This engages not only the sensorimotor system differently but also conscious attention - which fires up synapses in specific areas of the brain. When the content is imbued with meaning or feeling, this yet further engages the ‘emotional’ brain. It’s a bit like the equivalent of verbal catharsis described by early psychoanalytic practitioners.

You know, like talking something to death (provided anyone is receptive enough to listen that is!) might help lessen its emotional impact. Likewise, ‘writing it to death’ might help blunt the emotional edges.

Anyway, not sure if this makes sense and might be worth asking T to do a better job!

Not saying it works for everyone but from personal experience, it does help me at times.

Hey Rainbow, rather than email her, go to All donations received today are doubled! | Samaritans and email them. They will respond back. Whenever I am feeling really suicidal i email them. They are great. I talk to them about things i don't even feel comfortable talking to t about.

This stood out to me, and interestingly you put the sentences side by side. Don't you think this is an oxymoron? If you have a secure attachment, you wouldn't think about her "too" much, you would be ok with what you have, because you've internalized her. You may miss her in between sessions, or want to e-mail, but it wouldn't drive you to distraction.

After I typed that I realized it was a contradiction. You're right. For a couple of months I did NOT think about her TOO much. I felt her "with" me and I told her I finally felt like I have a secure attachment toward/with her. It felt great and freeing. So once you feel that, can it disappear? I hope not! I had a crummy session and didn't like the way she responded to me, so I got triggered. I still feel the attachment is secure. Does that make sense or not?
I'm grieving that she can't be my friend, that she doesn't have to comment on my statements about her. She is usually more open with me. I feel like she rejected me. But I know I'm overreacting and the security of our therapeutic attachment hasn't changed.