Email T today or try to wait?

I went the whole week without emailing my T, like she suggested. So what? I still feel upset about my last session, and I'm thinking about her a lot. I don't see what this proves. I can try not to email I guess. I feel sad, cut off from her, though I know that wasn't what she intended. Therapy every 2 weeks and no email feels like no therapy at all. I'll tell her that in person. Idk. Life is stressful right now and this experiment just adds to my discomfort. Not emailing makes me post more here. She said I could email now, as it's the second week but I'm a little angry with her so I would write all about that. There doesn't seem to be a reason to email though. It won't help since she won't write back anyway.

maybe write it out and share with her next session? do you think she's trying to foster independence? maybe you can start out smaller. like one email a week or something?

Posting here is good! I spent a lot of time here when my T was away on vacation...and after two more sessions, she's gone again. I definitely don't take my T for granted though, she encourages Emails. My session last Thursday was an especially difficult one. Very powerful, very emotional. I see mine twice a week. Mondays and Thursdays. She Emailed me on Sunday, saying she'd been thinking about me and was concerned that she hadn't heard a peep from me since our session, and hoped I was ok. That touched me. I thought about Emailing her once or twice.... but decided I didn't have anything good to say, so didn't. Thursday's session left me feeling very numb. So during yesterday's session she told me that if we're going somewhere I do'n't want to go, I can stop it anytime I want. She said she has never had a PTSD client herself who couldn't talk through the trauma eventually, but there's a first for everything. For me, it will just take some getting used to.

Definitely, talk to your T. I was seeing her weekly, and I felt that with weekly sessions we just weren't getting anywhere. She upped me to twice a week. We just have to ask, and voice our opinions. Good luck!

Yes, I know what she's doing and yes, it's to foster independence. I have already been emailing once a week, or maybe 2. I CAN do this but is it going to help internalize her or not? Having a crappy session makes it hard. Bottom line I keep saying and thinking is to stop wishing for what she can't give me. It's for my own good and she's just doing her job.

that makes sense. i wasn't sure how the details were going down. i'm sorry it's tough. would blogging help? idk. just brainstorming

I don't have any good advice, rainbow, but I wanted to say that I'm sorry it's so hard for you right now.

Maybe she is trying to get you to separate too much too soon?

Do you have anyone in real life to talk to about therapy? I've experienced some of the most growth from taking the pressure of difficult sessions and sharing it with my husband, taking what I thought was too personal, too upsetting, too 'crazy' and sharing it made it all so much easier to bear and more normal-feeling.

Being more vulnerable and authentic, not just in the one hour of therapy, but in the rest of my life, is really powerful and healing.

I have even looked for new friends who can relate to therapy and connecting with new people who it's so easy to be authentic with has also been great, maybe worth a try?

I would try to wait or write it down and possibly mail it through the post office rather than email. I think it being hard may, unfortunately, be a part of getting past the longing. Certainly I am not saying fun or easy.

I would suggest that you wait. I think stopdog is right about this being a way to get past that longing. If you indulge your desire for constant contact with T you won't have the opportunity to grow independently. Focus on your RL and try to find other ways to soothe yourself or have meaningful experiences.

I would wait too.

What I’ve realized is that emailing T was counter-intuitive to what I was trying to accomplish by emailing. I was reaching out for a connection, but didn’t see in the moment that T didn’t have time to keep it up with all clients and viewed it as a nuisance. He never articulated it as such, but when T ignores your emails and mentions cutting back in session, it’s obvious. So in that way, emailing put distance between me and T. I know that everyone’s financial situation is different, but with T1, I got into a habit of picking up the phone and calling him if it was that urgent and compensating him for the call. Similarly, I made an extra appointment if I was having a crisis.

If you need to get stuff off your chest, I can say that writing letters to T, journaling or making artwork has been helpful for me. I bring them to session with me, and can talk about it in the moment. The restraint has made me a more patient, independent person. With T2, she’s never mentioned emailing so hasn’t been an issue yet.

I agree to wait. Even if you tell yourself that you only have to do it this week only. It's less overwhelming than "never".

in dbt there's urge surfing. just sitting with your need and waiting for it to pass. you may have to do it multiple times but the desire will pass.

i do agree that it's a good idea to wait. i'm sorry it's so rough.

screw emailing our T's, let's email each other instead! lol.

I feel you on the being angry, though. My T is being silly about e-mails too. I thought paying for them would simplify things but it hasn't.

why have you reduced your therapy frequency? bi weekly sounds painful...

In my mind and heart I know that the only way to independence is to be able to depend. It can't be done any other way. Have you never been able to truly depend on anyone/therapist without feeling you are bring forced into self sufficiency? Because that's how it feels to me. Self sufficiency is different to independence because it comes from not being able to depend as needed or for long enough, allowing us eventually to be able to separate and become independent in our own time. It can't be forced by less contact or tightening of boundaries. In my experience that just causes desperation and an inability to separate. I wonder about your therapist's struggle with her own dependency needs and whether you are caught up in something that isn't your fault. Your needs are ok and it feels she is afraid to allow you to do the work needed to heal. 4 years with a therapist isn't long enough to work it through because it's so deep and painful. It feels you have been left dependent and confused and not knowing what to do? It could be you just haven't had the time to rework something.

I know this from being a therapist and from experiencing it as a patient. It's very painful I know. I may be wrong but something feels unfinished.

Please don't see this as criticism of your therapist. It isn't. I'm sure she is doing her very best. You both are. It's just something I feel when I read your posts.

With support

Moon

I don't think so. She's doing SE with me and holding my hand as a way to be able to hold onto her
She doesn't think emailing her is helping me do that. She thinks journaling is better for me.

Thank you.

Thanks. Yes, I have at least 2 friends I can discuss therapy with. Not my H, though. I actually confided in someone last night about wanting to be more connected with her. We had shared an emotional experience a while ago, and I wanted to do it again. It was a good conversation.

I forgot to say that so far I'm okay. I'm not going to email!

That's what I'm trying to do--get past the longing. It's hard!

I'm with Moon on this one. There are definitely two sides to it. I'm struggling with being able to depend. My T encourages me to contact him whenever I need to, but I rarely do, and only if I have a scheduling problem. I would like to, but I'd have no idea what to say and I'd feel silly. I mentioned something about being upset last time I messaged over a scheduling thing and felt like a right n00b for it. Yeah, I haz a long way to go.
I'm afraid though, if I let myself depend on him, email him when I'm upset etc., that he'll pull something like this...

It's good to work through in your journal and great you are deepening a rl friendship through this and you have support through here.
I'm without therapy this summer, my choice, I can book an appointment if I can finagle the copay and sitter. I'd rather not watch cash disappear to my therapy this summer.

Hi Rainbow. I just want you to know I am thinking of you. I know how painful this is. Take good care of yourself. This time will pass. Keep strong.

Thank you. Your situation was interesting, in that your emailing put distance between you and your T because he didn't want to do it. My T has always told me that she doesn't want to do therapy via email. In the beginning, she said it was fine to email her if it helped me to unburden myself. Now, after 4 years, she wants me to be able to keep the connection with her, without needing the contact. I've been able to do that for a while, but not always.

Thanks. I decided I could manage, but I feel so sad because it seems like I'm having to "give up my T". I know she's there, and that she cares a lot about me, but I'm disappointed. I have to accept reality.

I took DBT for almost 3 cycles but we never learned about urge surfing. Thank you for telling me about it. I know I've been told to "sit with my feelings" by many Ts and probably in DBT too.

Thank you. I don't have insurance to pay any more, and my T is giving me a reduced rate so I can still see her. I'm goin to send you a PM.

Thank you, Moon. I'm not sure if I've been able to depend on anyone enough, or not. I depended on my mother until she got sick and died. I depend on my H. I've depended on my current T for more than 4 years. I have continued to email her because it helped me, and I kept telling her that. But, at my last session, I said the 2 week intervals are hard for me, and she suggested NOT emailing as a possible solution. I think about her too much. I have a secure attachment. I don't know if you read my posts about her holding my hand again. That is helping me feel attached to her during the 2 weeks. At least it was, for a couple of months. I thought it was magic. It makes me feel calm in the session, and it has enabled me to feel the connection.

I wish I knew what, if anything, I need to rework. None of my Ts could help me completely with the attachment issues. I don't know why not. Holding my T's hand is the closest I've come to satisfaction that makes me feel safe and able to hold onto something I've always needed. Maybe 5 minutes at the end of last session wasn't enough. The realization of what the T relationship is, hurts a lot. I know my T is trying her very best with me, better than the other Ts. I appreciate your observations, Moon.

For 4 years I've depended on my T to be there when I need her. I've rarely called her, but when I do, she responds. When I email her about something serious, she "breaks" the rule and responds, like when my daughter was in the hospital. One of my goals for therapy was to be able to "do without therapy", so I know that I have to go through this pain to get to the other side. I can't make my T my whole life, and though it's hard, my T and I have the same goal.

I'm glad you're able to do without therapy. That's really good progress.

Thanks!

Suddenly, today, a health problem came up in my family and I'm more stressed. If I need to, I'll contact T.

She "breaks" what rule? There are no rules in being human with each other. To describe it as breaking a rule is distancing, pretending youre not depending on her, which makes the longing worse. This makes me wonder, how bad did something have to get before it was worth your mother's attention? So now how does that result in you not asking or expecting full attention - you call it breaking a rule, when it should always have been freely and generously given to you.when t attended to me when i was in the hospital, he wasnt breaking any rules - he was totally doing his job.

You are getting do many good responses here. You might want to think more about what people are saying, and try to really figure out what they are trying to say to you. More in depth, not just skating the surface.

Sitting with the feeling of wanting to do something, but not doing it, is a game of wills. It's not about actually healing.
The problem here is not that you can't email, its that your not getting enough f2f therapy.
Everything else is just heading cats, really.

My T is the one who first said "I'm breaking my rule" to me when she replied, or maybe it was the time she wrote "happy birthday" to me. It isT's rule--not to reply to my emails so breaking the rule seems like a logical way to describe it.

Somehow you got the wrong idea about my Mom. She gave me a lot of attention. I didn't have to do anything to get it. If you're thinking about my finger, I didn't want her to see it. I think I was afraid to go to the Dr. I don't remember if my parents saw it or not. My mother was over protective. If she thought it was broken, she and my father would have insisted I see the doctor!

I agree that I should think about the replies more. I'm tired and not concentrating well. I've got something new to worry about, not related to therapy.

I wonder if there is a confusion. You say you are securely attached yet speak of an overbearing, over protective mother. Secure attachment and over protective don't go together. I have worked with clients who were clearly loved and cared for but weren't given the ability to self regulate due to having everything done for them. It damages. It leaves the child helpless in many ways. It doesn't install a secure sense of self because there is no space between mother and child to create a sense of boundary between self and other. Something goes wrong in the separation/individuation process. It feels that is your struggle? If you were my client I would be having you in 2 to 3 times weekly and be re working that with you. I can't see how lessening contact is going to help you work through something so deep and fundamental to your well being. It is counterproductive to do that. It just prolongs the agony. I wrote on here once about mothers lap - do you remember? Push the child away and it becomes even more desperate and preoccupied in getting needs met, and less likely to be independent. I have run out of time and can't find the post. Will have to look later. You may want to ponder a little more on this.

Warm wishes

Moon

I think it would be best to talk to her in person. It would be more helpful to address such complex issues/feelings, plus you’d get ‘real time’ feedback from T.

Have you tried keeping a diary (intended primarily for your eyes only) where you can write it all out? If it helps, you might even address it to T while you write as a means of establishing a connection. Pen and paper writing i mean, as it is more involved and better at helping induce emotional catharsis.

Granted, it is no substitute for the real thing (i.e. T) but it might help with the internalising process. See it as a patch that keeps you going when you can't be with T and/or when you need her.

At any rate, hope your next session with her is more fulfilling, rainbow.