T as a person

Eye contact is really hard for me and in fact it is hard for me to acknowledge T as anything more than a presence.

T called me on it recently and said I need to acknowledge him as a person sitting there with me by looking, even if that is at his big toe.

Where do you place your focus?

I've had some sessions with CBT T where it was hard to look at him. Sometimes he'd lean into my field of vision and smile. It is kind of funny and sweet when he does that.

I try to at least make eye contact when he is speaking, but I find it much harder when I'm the one talking. I try to at least look at his shoes, or his crazy novelty tie, or the rings on his fingers (wedding ring/school ring).

I try to remember that they are human too. I think I made him self conscious by looking at his hands when he talked. He suddenly paused, looked at the faint white scaling on his palms and said , "ooh, a bit of house paint there…"

It made me smile. Maybe he didn't want me to think he had some kind of fungal infection!

My eye contact and focus depends on what we are taking about. If it's something too vulnerable, I look anywhere in the room but at my t. If we are taking about something easier, or I'm in a better head - space, I can make some eye contact with t. I know in the past I have made t's uncomfortable unintentionally with where I look. I tend to get fascinated by bodies, but not in a sexual way, just in a "oh, that's what a normal, unscared arm looks like". I felt really bad one time when a t had a shorter skirt on and I was spacing out on how "normal" her leg looked. I realized it when she shifted to move her skirt down as much as possible. I wished I had the courage to tell her I was simply fascinated by the fact that her leg was not covered in scars, but I got embarrassed.

I think Ts often interpret not looking as a resistance, a distancing, a negating--somehow a pushing them away, which it may be. Some personalize it. But I spent years being unable to look at my T more consistently than a brief glancing. But it wasn't a lack of emotional connection at all. My connection was through his voice. The not meeting his gaze was a self-protective defense, not from him, but from myself and the feelings experienced by his recognition of me. Earlier in therapy, when my defenses were strong, I had no problem looking at him consistently. It was later, as my other defenses weakened, that the need for self-protection--which I guess is a more primal defense--appeared. Although my T addressed it, he didn't force the issue. I think he saw it as a sign of progress in a way; a sign that therapy was on course and the process was working its way through.

Not sure why he 'called you on it' and telling you what you NEED to be doing. That never works.
I've sat sideways in therapy for 11yrs. For me it is about the relationship from proverbial time with mother. It's just what it is. If and when you feel ready, talk about it. But to have such defined instructions is rather intimidating not therapeutic at all.

I have stared at the floor for more than ten years, unless I am covering my face in shame. The only time I look in his direction is when I hand him my co-pay and then I just look at his hand.

i tend to make eye contact although when i'm reflecting on something, i look away, which i think is normal. it's not like i'm doing it on purpose, i just... am thinking and i do it with other people too. it's kind of an upwards and away glance like i'm processing something. then i come back to eye contact.

I tend to look off to my my right at the wall. Neither has said anything. I usually only look at the first one directly when angry at her.

I completely get this, about sometimes becoming fascinated by bodies, and wanting to gaze at them, although mine isn't even about a lack of scarring as I don't have scars. Mine follows a very odd line of wondering what my life would be like if I inhabited a body like the one I'm looking at at the time. Usually happens me on my commute on the London underground.

I stare at the floor or the wall and occasionally look my individual T in the eyes.

In group I stare at my group T's socks a lot. He wears argyle a lot.

In the beginning I looked at his shoes/socks a lot (boy, my T has more shoes than most men I know.. hehehe).. Anyways.. once I got more comfortable I started looking straight at him while we were talking. Now, that not to say that there aren't times that I don't go back to staring at his feet or staring off out of the window when looking at him was too hard. GL.. I know what a challenge it can be fore some people!

I recall times before t moved when we'd be looking at each other/eye contact and not talking, and just sitting there like that for minutes at a time, it was uncomfortable at first but then I grew to be comforted by it, by her seeing ME and not flinching or looking away and accepting the all of ME that she saw. that was awesome.

I spend most of my time looking out the window. I could never tell you after a session what my T was wearing. I can only say heels, because I hear her walking around in her office before she comes to get me. There have been some sessions where I've found myself sitting crosslegged, sideways on the couch, head down, with my hair covering my face. Never realized it until T told me to notice how I'm sitting.

I can look at my T when she talks or when I talk about easier stuff but when she asks me questions about things I am embarrassed about or find shameful...I either look at the wall to the side of her or I end up slouching so far down in the sofa I look at the ceiling...

When I was first talking about my trauma with Young T I would sit sideways on the sofa and look at the wall... There was a tiny hole in the wall from the door knob because there must not have been a door stop...occasionally I would discuss what I saw in the shape of the hole... YT once even rolled his chair into joining me in my little avoidance game..

But with my first T...when I was talking about something very shameful to me...I asked if he could move his chair to sit against the same wall as me....we sat side by side with an empty chair between us...looking at his bookshelf for a few sessions... Of course I had to explain that I couldn't stand the idea that he was looking at me... We had many discussions about it afterward too.

I look at my T's feet a lot. I like his shoes.
Most of the time I don't pay a whole lot of attention to where I'm looking. I'll space out on patterns when I dissociate though (I notice it afterwards). One time I spaced out on the faint lacy pattern of previous T's bra through her shirt. Oops

i always looked at my Ts unless i was unusually upset and would then look down for a little while. i didn't realize eye contact is so difficult for some here. i think i was raised in a family with lots of eye contact and fairly straightforward speech so that is normal to me.

I have noticed that I make a lot of eye contact with my therapist, but I was not able to do so with my previous ones very much. I'm not really sure why. I also have a habit of getting stuck staring at another person of a person's body because I'm ADD, I think. Sometimes I'll catch myself staring at his hand or his nose, and then I feel bad because he might think I'm critiquing it when I'm really not even thinking about the fact that that is where I am staring.

I'm another one that can make eye contact fine... as long as we're talking about something that I'm fairly ok with. As soon as it becomes overwhelming, scary, embarrassing, or just too much - my head goes down and I'm looking at the floor (or sometimes T's feet, but not on purpose!)

Sometimes if I need a break from eye contact I'll look at the books on the shelf behind him, or off to one side or the other. Last session, T noticed me looking at the speckled wall paper, and invited me touch it! I thought that was odd - but I did - and loved it (it's fuzzy! So perfect for a therapy room!) And I'm secretly a kind of tactile person - so "oooh fuzzy!" and now I'm kind of looking forward to getting back in there and finding an excuse to touch the wallpaper again. (Sorry I know it's so silly, but it's STILL bouncing in my head.)

At my 3rd session, T tried to get me to make more eye contact. He kept asking/telling me to look at him. It was weird and kind of awful in a way... I'd look up, get embarrassed and immediately look down, and we'd repeat. UGH. It felt like a leash. But, I googled around a bit and apparently eye contact is important for bonding (go figure). So I assume he had good intentions. Thankfully we've backed off that a bit... as I seem to need a little less intensity to not be completely in freaked-out-land.

I lip read so I have to look at him when he's talking. He has kind, expressive eyes which always surprises me.

When I'm really upset I can't look at him when talking. Only about everyday stuff.

Outside of therapy, I have completely normal levels of eye contact (at least, nobody has told me otherwise and I have been successful with interpersonal relationships). However, inside that room is an entirely different ball game. I make it a point to look at her at the beginning when we are greeting each other because I know it might be my last time to look at her for that hour. I can tell you virtually every detail of the room - there are lots of intriguing patterns and I find myself getting lost in tracing those patterns with my eyes.

I sometimes wonder if it is unhealthy that I don't look at her but I haven't asked about it. There was only one session that she asked me to look at her eyes and it was only briefly.

All of the above for me, too.

I don't think it's my job to make my therapist more comfortable by looking at him.

I actually made more eye contact when I first started seeing T than I do now. I think that for me, constantly having to keep eye contact was an issue of trust - I was trying to read my T's every expression and reaction to what I was telling her, to try to decide what was safe to share.

Now, I tend to make eye contact when I need to feel a strong connection with T, when I want to make sure she understands what I'm saying, or when I need something to focus on to stay grounded. Keeping eye contact with T when I feel like I'm dissociating will help me stay grounded. I always make eye contact or at least look at T, even it it's not her eyes, when she's speaking to me.

When I'm talking about particularly difficult stuff, or trying to think or remember something, I tend to focus on a far corner of the wall. I'm not really looking at anything, just where my eyes settle ask I think or try to look inside myself.

In everyday life I try to make eye contact with people--this requires effort, doesn't come naturally unless I'm close to someone, but I can do it. With T I don't make the effort, which means I usually don't look at him (occasionally, when he's speaking). It's hard enough talking about some things without the added pressure of making eye contact. Plus I'm trying to talk without caring about how he reacts.