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Old Aug 17, 2014, 10:12 PM
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Leah123 Leah123 is offline
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I'd written about discussing a rough period w/my therapist. Just started going really in depth last week about it and struggled afterward with feeling it was a mistake, though I don't think it was. More the emotional repercussion of telling an old painful half-secret. At any rate, after I got the first reply, started feeling really over exposed and combative (I'm excellent at being defensive) and have decided to save myself the stress for right now and maybe table this and see how it goes talking to her about it tomorrow first instead. I hate being sleep deprived, makes everything worse.

Last edited by Leah123; Aug 17, 2014 at 11:07 PM.
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  #2  
Old Aug 17, 2014, 10:53 PM
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NowhereUSA NowhereUSA is offline
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it sounds like you deal with hurt and shame over it. maybe like a residual hurt, if that makes sense.

for me, it looks something like this (to try to help make it clearer). i have a degree i hate. i was so depressed and suicidal i couldn't handle the coursework for the degree i had wanted since i was in the 8th grade. my parents ignored my depression, my mother in fact shamed me for it. in college, when i thought i was going to break, i tried to tell my mother that i wanted to take time off. she'd already been confronted with my depression a second time.

i got a lecture about how if i quit college i'd never go back.

so i picked a degree i knew i could do the work for, that wasn't intensive, and sounded useful to my parents.

it has taken me a long time to say that it hurts. not merely because i gave up my dream but because *my mother* pushed me that way. she shamed me once again and so now my degree is a reminder of what my mother did to me.

and it hurts.

it sounds like this is kind of like that.

and, if it helps, it sounds like you've done amazingly well for yourself. you have your GED and you're on your way to a BA. sometimes we drive different cars on our way to a similar destination.

i hope you can talk to your t about it. it's okay to hurt. and you don't sound like the kind of person who'll get stuck there. you sound resilient and determined. don't let the pain fester anymore. cleaning the wound hurts, but then you can heal.

okay. i'm done being rambly.
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  #3  
Old Aug 18, 2014, 12:16 AM
irllydontcare irllydontcare is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NowhereUSA View Post
it sounds like you deal with hurt and shame over it. maybe like a residual hurt, if that makes sense.

for me, it looks something like this (to try to help make it clearer). i have a degree i hate. i was so depressed and suicidal i couldn't handle the coursework for the degree i had wanted since i was in the 8th grade. my parents ignored my depression, my mother in fact shamed me for it. in college, when i thought i was going to break, i tried to tell my mother that i wanted to take time off. she'd already been confronted with my depression a second time.

i got a lecture about how if i quit college i'd never go back.

so i picked a degree i knew i could do the work for, that wasn't intensive, and sounded useful to my parents.

it has taken me a long time to say that it hurts. not merely because i gave up my dream but because *my mother* pushed me that way. she shamed me once again and so now my degree is a reminder of what my mother did to me.

and it hurts.

it sounds like this is kind of like that.

and, if it helps, it sounds like you've done amazingly well for yourself. you have your GED and you're on your way to a BA. sometimes we drive different cars on our way to a similar destination.

i hope you can talk to your t about it. it's okay to hurt. and you don't sound like the kind of person who'll get stuck there. you sound resilient and determined. don't let the pain fester anymore. cleaning the wound hurts, but then you can heal.

okay. i'm done being rambly.
This sounds SO much like me. When I was in college, I wanted to major in something intensive, but I started out of nowhere having intense dizzy spells and really, really excruciating headaches. I can't even describe how badly my head hurt half the time. In true hypochondriac fashion, I convinced myself I had a brain tumor, and it was only a matter of time before I died. After about a year of the symptoms not going anywhere, I gave up hope that they would go away one day and just sank into a deep depression. I had convinced myself my life was over before I ever got a chance to do anything with it. There was no way I could take an intensive major any longer. I was too preoccupied with thoughts of my impending death and just with being in pain and dizzy off and on in general to concentrate. I told my dad I wanted to drop out because I couldn't handle college anymore. He told me if I dropped out, I couldn't live in his house anymore. So I switched to an "easy" major, which wasn't easy given the circumstances, but it was more doable.

I hate my stupid degree. It's useless, and I want to set it on fire. I've tried going back to school to "fix" the situation, but life is a lot more complicated now. I no longer have a scholarship to fund any classes, nor am I entitled to any grant money as a second-degree student. I have a lot more obligations now too, and it just seems impossible to add school into the mix. This is a topic I would like to bring up in therapy, but I don't even know how because I have too many things going on at once lol. Someday.
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Old Aug 18, 2014, 01:22 AM
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IndestructibleGirl IndestructibleGirl is offline
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I think sometimes when we tell people something really sensitive like this, when our usual policy is to keep it to ourselves, it can feel like a mistake even when we know it's not. I think it's good that you have brought it up via email (I find that easiest) but sensible that you're putting it on ice to actually talk about it live, I think the details are better saved for then.
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  #5  
Old Aug 18, 2014, 07:47 AM
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NowhereUSA NowhereUSA is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Leah123 View Post
I'd written about discussing a rough period w/my therapist. Just started going really in depth last week about it and struggled afterward with feeling it was a mistake, though I don't think it was. More the emotional repercussion of telling an old painful half-secret. At any rate, after I got the first reply, started feeling really over exposed and combative (I'm excellent at being defensive) and have decided to save myself the stress for right now and maybe table this and see how it goes talking to her about it tomorrow first instead. I hate being sleep deprived, makes everything worse.
i'm sorry! i didn't mean to trigger those emotions i know what that feels like though. i get like that with my t. i've been long enough with him now that when i feel exposed i usually end whatever i'm saying with, 'and now i want to insult you because f*** you.' it's almost a joke with us now. he says he considers me holding back an act of endearment.

i hope it goes well today.
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  #6  
Old Aug 18, 2014, 08:16 AM
guilloche guilloche is offline
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Oh Leah - it's hard, isn't it? I hate that feeling of being over-exposed and vulnerable too! I hope your T is reacting in ways that feel supportive and helpful, and I hope you were able to get good night's sleep...

If it helps any, it seems like the more we don't want to talk about something - the more helpful (in the end) it will be to have talked about it... so maybe there's some small consolation in there. You're doing really great work!
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  #7  
Old Aug 18, 2014, 08:20 AM
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Leah123 Leah123 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl View Post
I think sometimes when we tell people something really sensitive like this, when our usual policy is to keep it to ourselves, it can feel like a mistake even when we know it's not. I think it's good that you have brought it up via email (I find that easiest) but sensible that you're putting it on ice to actually talk about it live, I think the details are better saved for then.
I did talk about it all live last week, that just made me feel.....very uneasy for a while after. Exposed and ambivilent and kind of stuck there, or afraid to be. Hopefully today will end better. The part about feeling combative after I got the first reply was in response to the first reply here.... it *seemed* like a good idea to write when I did, but stopped seeming like a good idea afterward, haha.
  #8  
Old Aug 18, 2014, 08:23 AM
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Leah123 Leah123 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NowhereUSA View Post
i'm sorry! i didn't mean to trigger those emotions i know what that feels like though. i get like that with my t. i've been long enough with him now that when i feel exposed i usually end whatever i'm saying with, 'and now i want to insult you because f*** you.' it's almost a joke with us now. he says he considers me holding back an act of endearment.

i hope it goes well today.
Thanks very much. It's totally not you, I appreciate that you posted. My reactivity can't be helped right now, but I know it will change in time. And yes, that's exactly my impulse, the "F you!" one, in part at least, to just flail in a really angry manner. I'm torn between that and just falling apart, sigh, it feels like and that's probably the struggle. Somewhere in the middle is calm acceptance, at least I hope.
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  #9  
Old Aug 18, 2014, 09:20 AM
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BlessedRhiannon BlessedRhiannon is offline
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Leah - I read your full (unedited) post last night, but was not in a mindset where I could reply...probably because your story hit so close to home for me.

I can totally relate to your struggle about being vulnerable with this and not wanting to show weakness. I have something very similar that I haven't shared with anyone, and I'm not sure I ever will.

If you're anything like me, not being able to accomplish something I think I "should have been able to do" because I was an emotional mess is very shameful for me. It's hard to admit that I had to give up on something, that I couldn't finish something, just because I was struggling so much with emotional/mental issues. I feel like I should have been able to push past that and just "get it done" and not being able to do that shows way too much weakness that I don't want anyone else to know about or be able to exploit.

So, I just wanted to let you know that I know how you feel. I don't have any words of wisdom or ways to make it easier. Sometimes, I think we have to decide how important it is to share a certain thing with T and if it really is important, then we have to just accept the shame that comes along with sharing. As my T reminds me - no one has ever died from shame, and bringing that shameful thing out in to the open makes it lose it's power. It doesn't make it any easier for me to share, though!!
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