[lone_77]

I'm not saying my T doesn't care, but I always want her to love me or to give me extended support outside professional guidelines. Lately I've been struggling with reliving childhood sexual abuse and PTSD from rape that occurred almost a year ago. I've never told anyone about either, due to the fact that I was emotionally abused by my father since I was 10 and I dealt with a mother who was distant and shamed emotion. So basically, my T is my only support system now, and ever. Whenever I'm having a hard day, I wish I could talk to her about it right then and there. I wish she could comfort me because I feel like she's the only person in this world that understands me, but I only see her an hour a week, sometimes less, because my parents dislike that I'm in therapy.

I'm 17 I should mention, and she's older, probably in her 40's since she's got kids. When I'm arguing with my dad and I have no one to talk to I wish that she was my mom because I know she'd support me, and offer me advice. But I also realize that when I leave her office, she returns to her life, her family, and her own kids, and that she doesn't think about me as much as I think about her. And it makes me really sad. I don't know if it's transference, because I feel the same way about almost every middle aged woman I see or meet. I want them to be my mother and to love and support me. But I know that realistically they never will, and then I can never have a new mom. It makes me feel so incredibly alone and depressed, because they have their own lives and don't care about me. How am I supposed to find a mother? It's impossible.

I know I should discuss these feelings with my T but I don't want to make her feel bad or creeped out, because I know that it's an issue I have and not one she should feel sorry for me about. I understand our relationship is professional, and she hasn't done anything to make me feel that it's anything more than that, which I'm sure is good. But she's the only person I trust and the only person who truly offers me any kind of support. And that scares me, because one day I'm going to have to end our sessions, and I don't know what I'll do when that day comes.....I love her, not as a mother (I wish), but as someone who understands me fully and will be there for me even if I'm paying her and even though it's only once a week. And I don't know how to make that feeling go away. How can I get over the fact that I won't actually ever have an understanding mother/mother figure?

[leggiera]

Even though you might feel uncomfortable about caring for your therapist too much, I think it's actually good. It means that you trust her and feel connected.

What I'm also hearing you say is that it's not enough. Maybe it's time to think about how to extend your support network?

How do you know you'll never have a mother figure in your life? Maybe it's impossible for you to be adopted at this age, but isn't there a chance you might find someone who can nurture you?

[learning1]

I'm not sure what to say but I think other people here might have some helpful things to say, so I'm posting here to bump your post up to the top of the list so that people will see it some more.

[learning1]

Oh, good timing, leggiera posted right as I was!

[CalmingOcean]

Originally Posted by lone_77

I'm not saying my T doesn't care, but I always want her to love me or to give me extended support outside professional guidelines. Lately I've been struggling with reliving childhood sexual abuse and PTSD from rape that occurred almost a year ago. I've never told anyone about either, due to the fact that I was emotionally abused by my father since I was 10 and I dealt with a mother who was distant and shamed emotion. So basically, my T is my only support system now, and ever. Whenever I'm having a hard day, I wish I could talk to her about it right then and there. I wish she could comfort me because I feel like she's the only person in this world that understands me, but I only see her an hour a week, sometimes less, because my parents dislike that I'm in therapy.

I'm 17 I should mention, and she's older, probably in her 40's since she's got kids. When I'm arguing with my dad and I have no one to talk to I wish that she was my mom because I know she'd support me, and offer me advice. But I also realize that when I leave her office, she returns to her life, her family, and her own kids, and that she doesn't think about me as much as I think about her. And it makes me really sad. I don't know if it's transference, because I feel the same way about almost every middle aged woman I see or meet. I want them to be my mother and to love and support me. But I know that realistically they never will, and then I can never have a new mom. It makes me feel so incredibly alone and depressed, because they have their own lives and don't care about me. How am I supposed to find a mother? It's impossible.

I know I should discuss these feelings with my T but I don't want to make her feel bad or creeped out, because I know that it's an issue I have and not one she should feel sorry for me about. I understand our relationship is professional, and she hasn't done anything to make me feel that it's anything more than that, which I'm sure is good. But she's the only person I trust and the only person who truly offers me any kind of support. And that scares me, because one day I'm going to have to end our sessions, and I don't know what I'll do when that day comes.....I love her, not as a mother (I wish), but as someone who understands me fully and will be there for me even if I'm paying her and even though it's only once a week. And I don't know how to make that feeling go away. How can I get over the fact that I won't actually ever have an understanding mother/mother figure?

Aww Hun, I totally get what you are saying. I too am a victim of childhood sexual abuse and had a very distant, dissociated mother (who probably did the best she could but left me longing for a mother figure).

I eventually noticed a pattern that I would befriend older ladies, (i am 30 now and 2 of my best friends are old enough to be my mom). Like you, my T is the only one who I feel will get to know every part of me (I'm only on session 5 and I am already scared to get too attached because as you say, it is a professional relationship). So I understand that feeling.

I would say it is something you will need to being up with your T. She will be able to help you through it. You are better than I was at 17 though, look at you already reaching out! That is great you know.

Hugs

[Aloneandafraid]

Hi Lone77

I just had to respond to your post. I think you are amazing to be able to articulate your feelings at your age. I am 45 and I still have this longing for a maternal figure. When I was your age I had these feelings too and I would imagine myself being cared for and supported by older women (it has been a pattern throughout my life). I am not seeing a T and I just wish i had spoken to someone about it when I was your age as i have carried this around for so long feeling ashamed of the way i felt for older women.

I would say definitely try to bring this up with your T - she sounds very professional and hopefully she will be understanding and able to guide you through these feelings. You have been though so much and I am sure by disclosing these feelings this will enable her to actually help you more.

But take care and do it in your own way & in your own time.

You are reaching out which is a great first step.

i know how much this hurts and I just wanted you to know you are not alone.

[granite1]

first things first wow thanks for sharing . the little you have said here sounds horrible for you to have gone through and I am so glad you have found a T to be there for you she sounds wonderful. wanting a mom like you are talking about is not so strange ,creepy or anything . your mom was not able to be there for you through all this horrible stuff. I don't think your T would be phased by this at all if you talked to her about it .

I also think that maybe you could have T help you build a stronger support system outside of T . wanting a mother figure is not crazy or anything .

Oh i understand where you are coming from, it's very hard but you're doing well all i can say is that it does pass. Appreciate your T for the now, as you obviously like her a lot and you are not terminating any time soon so dont think about that. I think you should see her 2x a week so maybe you could push for that and suggest it to your parents.

[Soccer mom]

I totally understand. You might google maternal transference. Please please bring this up with your T! It seems incredibly hard but it's helpful for them to see the entire picture. As my T. said, she has a lot of puzzle pieces trying to figure me out. If I don't tell her things or think they aren't important, I'm throwing out some of the puzzle pieces she needs and they might be end or corner pieces.
She will completely understand and probably already knows it. I would also suggest asking an older lady (maybe some you already feel comfortable with) to, you could phrase it, be a "mentor" to you.
And, once you tell your T, she will have all sorts of ways to help you. From suggesting how to get what you need out of sessions to helping you deal with it right now.

[HazelGirl]

She wouldn't be creeped out by it. It's normal for people in therapy to feel that way towards their therapists. It might even be more intense for you because you aren't an adult yet. I don't think she would be at all creeped out or worried by it.

[lone_77]

Thank you to everyone that responded...already it feels great to know that there is such a large, comforting, and welcoming community out there. I thought I was the only one with these issues, and it goes a long way to know that I'm not alone
I plan on talking to my T on Monday, so hopefully she'll be able to give me more feedback and help me work through these feelings. You are all amazing individuals and I'm grateful to have stumbled upon this site when I did.