Therapist care and concern….things have changed

Years ago, I used to really struggle with wanting my treatment team (my therapist, pdoc and nutritionist) to know how sick I was, that I was struggling. Even though a huge part of me wanted to get better, an even bigger part of me wanted to stay sick. I was afraid if I got better, I would lose their caring, concern, and attention. If I stopped binging, purging, over exercising and starving, they wouldn't have to worry about me anymore-I would no longer be on their radar. They wouldn't know that I was hurting.

There was a (very bad) period where I was so symptomatic with the eating disorder that my blood pressure was going crazy-I would stand up and it would plummet. I was blacking out constantly. I was in the ER every other week. I had to be in very close contact with my pdoc because of how medically unstable I was. I had a blood pressure cuff at home and had to text her my BP several times a day. Even though it was hell (I was beyond suicidally depressed and physically felt terrible)-having to be in such close contact with my pdoc (whom I adore) was comforting. (I am not proud to admit this). I even wondered if I really wanted to get better, because I didn't want to lose the contact, the care and the concern.

I just realized that it's the anniversary of that terrible time (4 years). I am doing so well-with the depression, the suicidality, and the eating disorder. I am really putting all of my hard work into practice. I have an appointment with my awesome pdoc tomorrow, and I was just thinking about how I can't wait to tell her about how I just had a bit of a tough weekend, and I handled it! I didn't turn to any of my old coping mechanisms. I didn't binge, or purge or starve. I didn't fantasize about suicide. I got out my damn DBT binder (which is now enormous). I meditated. I dragged myself to yoga. And I'm doing pretty ok.

And I also realized-I STILL have her-all of her caring, concern and support. She didn't go anywhere. I'm so glad that I took all of the tiny leaps of faith that lead to recovery. And now I get to tell her that I'm proud of myself, and to know that she is proud of me too.

Sometimes, during dark moments, I miss the caring that came with being sick, even though I know that this is SO much better. I was wondering if anyone ever struggled with thoughts like this? What do you do when they come up?

Hello, clairelisbeth. Well done. I commend you.

I have not struggled with thoughts as you have described. My records disclose many of the professionals who treated me thought I had a personality not conducive to therapy. Eventually, I was told I likely would have to accept I would not get better. The anomaly is I did, but no professional was around to share the experience.

I am happy for you. Kudos.

If you think caring is only connected to being sick, perhaps your recovery isn't complete?

I'm so glad that you were able op use all your skills to get you through that tough weekend. That's awesome
i can kinda relate, though mine is a more distorted view of care in general (connected to childhood). I often find myself believing that "true care" is being hurt and violated... I find myself in that thought loop when I'm more depressed. it's really difficult to talk myself out of it. I try to talk it over with my t, because we are still in the earlier stages of addressing it (hadn't admitted it till maybe 6 months ago to my previous t, now have to get that conversation going with new t). It's tough work. I'm really impressed that you have come so far even if the thoughts creep back up sometimes. You were still able to use what you had learned to make it through the difficult time. ♥♥♥

i certainly got more attention whebnb i was sick from my ED, but it was all bad. My t pulled further away from me and pushed me towards inpatient and we have never really managed to come back together...

Good for you! It is so healthy for you to experience strong connections that get stronger as you yourself get stronger.

Thank you :-) I'm so sorry to hear that you were you told to accept that you would never get better-but so glad to hear that you have!

I don't think that caring is only connected to being sick at all-however, when I was very much in my disease, I worried about losing the caring that came with being sick. Part of getting well was finding out that caring was not contingent upon being sick at all, and being very glad to have relationships that are based upon so much much more.

I never said that my recovery was complete. I've come a long way, and worked very hard to be able to call myself "in recovery"-however, I don't know if the journey will ever be over.

Thank you! :-)

I'm so sorry that instead of being giving proper care in childhood, you came to associate care with being hurt. I'm so glad that you've started to talk about it with your T.

I've read your other posts about your rupture with your therapist….it sounds so painful. I've gone IP for my eating disorder….but it took a long time for me to agree to go. Even though it was strongly encouraged for awhile, I really had to be ready to go. I'm so sorry that your therapist pulled away from you during a time when you really needed her support! Do you mind if I ask why you didn't want to go IP?

Thank you! :-) It really does feel like an even stronger connection than I would have thought possible-much stronger than what kept me connected when I was sick. It's pretty cool. :-)

Congrats on getting through a tough time with such healthy coping methods! That's something to be truly proud of.

I think I really struggle with the idea that I will lose care if I am "all better." Growing up, I was greatly reinforced for my negative behaviors. I sometimes struggle to tell whether I am just not doing well or if my symptoms are present in part because I feel a desire for care. I want to be well, but sometimes the idea of being ill (and being cared for) is intense. I know it is very unhealthy, and I know care doesn't depend upon being ill, but it is difficult to change these behaviors/feelings.

At this point you had me in tears of utter happiness for you and the thought transfered to me for myself and how there is going to be a better time (still rough times but ones I will learn to cope through) in my life, no matter the length it takes to get to a better place it's really worth it.

There is so much hope and inspiration in this post, your words. Thank you for sharing and keep doing what you're doing, it sounds like it's really working for you and that just makes me smile.

Also, congratulations on all the hard work you've put in to get to where you are!

Take Care.

Thanks for posting this. Yes, I can relate to the correlation between being sick and liking the support. I want him to be worried, to think about me between sessions and to want to save me. I'm just starting to understand that my T can and will still care about me even when I am not in crisis mode. It is still a little hard for me to believe. A bit part of me thinks that he will just forget about me or not care about me unless I am in a really bad place. So it is good for me to hear you talk about how you feel a strong connection even when you are doing better.

I relate to this too. I realise I have been doing this for many years.