[CalmingOcean]

Okay so a bit of the back story:

Just starting out with trauma T who wants to try EMDR however she recognized fairly early that wasn't going to happen for me right away. So about 5 sessions in she ended up ending our session early because I was in one of my 'protective states associated with trauma' being very hyper aroused (comparable to mania). Anyways, but I was rather upset because parts of me really eantd to talk (not DID, just unfragmented is how it was explained to me). Anyways, T started up a group with another councillor that works on this trauma crap, and in said group was another gal who sees my T (there were only 4 others and two facilitators). Anyways, was very figgity and nervous as I usually am in group settings, but the gal next to me was like, me on some crazy paranoid steroid (she was even worse, like I thought I was bad!). Don't get me wrong, I am not heartless I am actually really compassionate but somethng in me switched because she was really starting to get on my nerves (which ultimately means that part of me gets on MY nerves, and it does) but T was so much sweeter with her (my T isn't really the 'sweet' kinda person but she made a real attempt to comfort her saying how 'scary this all is).

I think so too. I don't know why I can't show it. I don't know why I have to switch into the big shot that 'has this' or the argumentative side that T says I have. I don't mean to do that. Because inside is the part that can't seem to speak, but really wants and needs to....

Ack this is all so frustrating. :/ :/ :/

I hate therapy.

[HazelGirl]

Can you talk about all of this with your T? It's concerning to me that your T would want to start EMDR right away. There are a lot of coping mechanisms you need to learn first, as well as build a strong and trusting relationship with your T.

[CalmingOcean]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Can you talk about all of this with your T? It's concerning to me that your T would want to start EMDR right away. There are a lot of coping mechanisms you need to learn first, as well as build a strong and trusting relationship with your T.

Thanks for responding.

Can't really talk to T, we are actually doing a prep group for EMDR (learning the groundings, bing in your body, window of tolerance etc etc) so in her defence she did see I needed a lot of prep work.

But I won't be seeing her until after the group (1 session a week for 5 weeks), I'm assuming because she hopes after this I will be 'workable' or whatever.

Even in the group session, we did this one thing to show how 'in the room we were' and she asked sensitive girl (let's Dub her as) and she said she was half her half out, then she asked me, and I said I didn't really know, I didn't understand the excersize I guess, and she said 'that's not good to not know!' Grumble grumble grumble. Just made me not want to be there more.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by CalmingOcean

Thanks for responding.

Can't really talk to T, we are actually doing a prep group for EMDR (learning the groundings, bing in your body, window of tolerance etc etc) so in her defence she did see I needed a lot of prep work.

But I won't be seeing her until after the group (1 session a week for 5 weeks), I'm assuming because she hopes after this I will be 'workable' or whatever.

Even in the group session, we did this one thing to show how 'in the room we were' and she asked sensitive girl (let's Dub her as) and she said she was half her half out, then she asked me, and I said I didn't really know, I didn't understand the excersize I guess, and she said 'that's not good to not know!' Grumble grumble grumble. Just made me not want to be there more.

That's a horrible way to respond! I know if my T had asked me that question, I would have looked at her like she had grown another head. It takes time to learn how to recognize that type of thing. I also don't think it's smart to only do group therapy for trauma without also seeing a therapist who can work with you one on one and give you the individual support you definitely need while working through trauma. I am not a fan of the setup you are describing at all.

[guilloche]

Hmmm... your T sounds a bit flakey to me. I'm sorry, I know that alot of times a big part of the therapy work is learning to have a good relationship with the T, but... I don't know. I don't think I could deal with someone like that, personally, and I'm also pretty sensitive to stuff (I imagine most of here are!).

I guess part of what worried me, in your first post, where you said she ended the session early because of the state you were in, even though you still had things you wanted to say? I know, 5 minutes might not be a big deal... but that would bug the heck out of me. you're paying for her TIME. Unless she's giving you a partial refund, or unless you're behaving in a violent manner towards her... I think ending a session early is really disrespectful to you (my personal opinion).

I also wanted to add... I don't think it's unusual to not be able to really show your emotions, especially if you're fairly new with a T. I do this. I think lots of people do this? Part of it for me is being scared, I think... my default mode when I'm confused or scared is to try to blend in and look as normal (not crazy!) as possible. I've had lots of people (friends, not Ts!) tell me that they have trouble telling when I'm upset or freaked out, because I "hide it" well - the problem is, I'm not purposefully hiding it, I'm trying to protect myself by not attracting attention! I guess I'm just surprised that your T maybe is not getting this?

Sorry... wish I had better advice. Have you seen any other Ts? I just wonder if someone else might be a better fit for you?

[CalmingOcean]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

That's a horrible way to respond! I know if my T had asked me that question, I would have looked at her like she had grown another head. It takes time to learn how to recognize that type of thing. I also don't think it's smart to only do group therapy for trauma without also seeing a therapist who can work with you one on one and give you the individual support you definitely need while working through trauma. I am not a fan of the setup you are describing at all.

Well in my T's defence on one thing, she knows I am working with an addictions councillor (doing CBT), I don't think they are much in contact but I haven't mentioned any of the trauma stuff to addiction T (tho she knows there is obviously some back story). I suppose T feels that is good enough until we get through the 4 more sessions of group therapy. We aren't discussing our individual trauma, just learning I guess the steps before EMDR.

But yeah I didn't like that response at all. OH and also, something that took me all morning to remember, also my second session with T I brought in a timeline I made of my life (mainly because in the first session she was asking a bunch of stuff and I was getting confused because I lived a lot of places and was getting too mixed u, honestly I thought she would appreciate my initiative but at the time, she asked me how it felt to do it up, thinking it triggered me but it really didn't at all) ANYWAYS- and this could be me overly sensitive, but she said to the group when we were talking about triggers- something I've mentioned I am confused about recognizing and she said 'and what do you guys think about making a list of all your traumas? So you thnk that is helpful?.... Was this directed at me?? Maybe not, but it felt like it. And I don't make much eye contact so it's hard for me to tell.

GAWD I am so frikkin frustrated I kinda just want to quit it all seems so stupid to me.

[CalmingOcean]

Originally Posted by guilloche

Hmmm... your T sounds a bit flakey to me. I'm sorry, I know that alot of times a big part of the therapy work is learning to have a good relationship with the T, but... I don't know. I don't think I could deal with someone like that, personally, and I'm also pretty sensitive to stuff (I imagine most of here are!).

I guess part of what worried me, in your first post, where you said she ended the session early because of the state you were in, even though you still had things you wanted to say? I know, 5 minutes might not be a big deal... but that would bug the heck out of me. you're paying for her TIME. Unless she's giving you a partial refund, or unless you're behaving in a violent manner towards her... I think ending a session early is really disrespectful to you (my personal opinion).

I also wanted to add... I don't think it's unusual to not be able to really show your emotions, especially if you're fairly new with a T. I do this. I think lots of people do this? Part of it for me is being scared, I think... my default mode when I'm confused or scared is to try to blend in and look as normal (not crazy!) as possible. I've had lots of people (friends, not Ts!) tell me that they have trouble telling when I'm upset or freaked out, because I "hide it" well - the problem is, I'm not purposefully hiding it, I'm trying to protect myself by not attracting attention! I guess I'm just surprised that your T maybe is not getting this?

Sorry... wish I had better advice. Have you seen any other Ts? I just wonder if someone else might be a better fit for you?

Wow you described something I do as well. She knows I have parts (not DID parts just unfragmented parts or somethng) that resist therapy but parts that really want it and when she is abrupt and stand off-ish or like she was in group, guess what happens?! The wall goes up! And I have a really hard time breaking that 'everything is fine' wall, or the just f*%+ off feeling, not that I am rude or disrespectful.

I don't pay her, it is through the government (we have perks in Canada like that). But the time she ended early (was a whle other rant on here haha) it was 30 minutes early and tho inside I was really hurt, of course wall was up and I was like okay great! I'm having a great day, just gonna continue on my merry way... Till it hit me later that I was so mad at myself grrrrrrr. I did end up calling her voicemail and telling her I am not purposefully resisting or wanting to waste her time and she left me a message back saying not to worry about the beggining stuff (because I don't know how to frikkin do therapy) and that she still wants me to come to that group and it will really help and she thinks I will love it..

Well... I'm not loving it.

[HazelGirl]

I don't think you and her are a good fit, IMO.