[granite1]

T today . im not sure how it will go .I am freaked but don't want to say anything to her .I just want to be normal . I should be after seeing her for 4 years. for some reason going to see the mother this time seems to be way worse then ever .I have this horrible feeling of impending doom. like I am going to do something drastic or something. I cant tell her this as I know I brought this all on myself and her response will be don't go . this is not something I am able to do yet .I know I should and im an adult and all but I feel like a 5 year old who wants the mothers approval at all costs .even if it means sacrificing myself

my stomach keeps on getting upset when I think about it .I go from that to being completely detached from it and saying I just need to somehow get through this deal with the uncomfortableness . just shut down and deal then the feeling of doom and desperation . im going crazy . and after today I wont see her for 3 weeks .I thought about asking if I could see her the wednsday after I get back but I would never Ever want to come off that needy and risk her saying no. and if she said yes and I couldn't talk it would be even more horrible .

[sweepy62]

I wish you well today with your t, impending doom, is like giant butterflies, anxiety, I hate that feeling. I have t tomorrow. I have a headache today just thinking about it. I know I can say try and relax, but those are just words. I can tell you not to shut down once you are in session. Tell her how you been feeling. I bought the journal she wanted me to buy , to jot down my feelings, I bought the smallest one they had. I wish I could just go in there and just throw it at her, lol.

[granite1]

thanks sweepy the feeling of doom is around going to the mothers . I realized it is the same feeling I would have as a child. knowing when I get home I am going to get beat for some reason . I remember praying to god that I would die before I got home .but at the same time it is a feeling of resignation . knowing this is going to happen .there is nothing you can do about it . get through it however you can and it will be over soon

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

I wish you well today with your t, impending doom, is like giant butterflies, anxiety, I hate that feeling. I have t tomorrow. I have a headache today just thinking about it. I know I can say try and relax, but those are just words. I can tell you not to shut down once you are in session. Tell her how you been feeling. I bought the journal she wanted me to buy , to jot down my feelings, I bought the smallest one they had. I wish I could just go in there and just throw it at her, lol.

I've had the same thought of just handing over my journal - throwing it at her sounds good too!

[sweepy62]

I hope it goes well, let me know how you made out with your t . I will be your pocket rider. hugs.

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by Soccer mom

I've had the same thought of just handing over my journal - throwing it at her sounds good too!

lol, if i only could, she would want me to read what i wrote, Im in no mood right now for that crap. Im feeling irritable. She would want me to describe irritable, well damn.

[Soccer mom]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

lol, if i only could, she would want me to read what i wrote, Im in no mood right now for that crap. Im feeling irritable. She would want me to describe irritable, well damn.

Yours sounds like mine! She wouldn't want me to email her - she would want me to TELL her about it in our session and then try to describe whe words I use for feelings. I'm giving her an earful on Monday because I"M TIRED OF FEELING THIS WAY. She'll probably say there's nothing to do but process.

Granite...

I hope you are able to find a way to discuss your fears about going to stay with the mother during her surgery/recovery... To tell about the impending doom feeling...and how it feels much worse this time...

Even though you could choose not to go it isnt that simple... Your T understands that...and she would still be willing to discuss coping skills... Ways to break free for a few hours... Strategies to stay sane...

Talking about things sometimes make them a little more managable.

[granite1]

thanks ready .I have all intentions to try and talk to her about it .but I get there and freeze . I hope I don't .I was able to talk some about it last session and I left feeling quite strong only to crash that night. ever sense I have been waking up in panics and my stomach is in a knot worse then ever

[unaluna]

I can relate. I just went to record my blood sugar in my little book this morning, after recording very consistently for the past two weeks - and the past two days, except for sunday morning fasting, are completely blank. Its like i disappeared. Ive been taking my metformin, but testing just stopped. My mother and my self-care cannot co-exist.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Granite.....I'll be a pocket rider!

[granite1]

thank you cant stop . im leaving in about an hour

[guilloche]

Good luck Granite....

And... you mentioned you won't see your T again for 3 weeks, and you thought about asking for an earlier appointment, but don't want to seem needy? I don't think it looks needy or unusual at all to ask for an earlier appointment - 3 weeks is a long time in therapy-time. (I just wanted to let you know how it looks from the outside, so you might feel better if you decide to ask her anyway!)

Good luck, and sorry about the feeling of doom visiting your mother... I *loved* what hanster wrote ("My mother and my self-care cannot co-exist.") - I feel like that too. Haven't visited my mom's house in... I don't know, maybe 10 years? And even emails from her right now make me bristle up. One of my big goals in this round of T is dealing with mom-stuff. It sucks! Good luck with it all...

Please let us know how it went, Granite.

[granite1]

it didn't go so well .I got the I can choose to go into this situation passive and just survive through it . or I can choose to be strong and stand up for myself . I am terrified and none of this helped. although she did say that she would see me when I get back and we can deal with whatever shape I am in then . I just wanted her to help me feel stronger . I don't have a clue how to just choose to be strong especially when every part of me feels this overwhelming sense of dread and am terrified

[granite1]

i do wonder if there was really anything at this point she could have said that would have helped . maybe she knew that so didn't try very hard

[HazelGirl]

I think strength has to come from inside you. It's not something someone else can give you, unfortunately.