[Freewilled]

Hi everyone,

It's been awhile since I've posted on here....my life has become incredibly intense. I think I'm losing my dissociation defense in a way, and that is bringing everything, good and bad, to life for me. Anyways....

Last session, I went in after having a sort of intense experience around a memory. Suffice to say, I had a very intense session where I spilled a lot of trauma related stuff and I cried (which I've never done before). My T tried to offer me comfort by moving the tissues near me but I wouldn't take one /: I did say thank you.....at the end of the session, it felt a little awkward.

I just feel so vulnerable now I guess....For a couple of days, I was worried that T was going to be mad at me but I recognized this as a cognitive distortion. It went away but now I feel so incredibly vulnerable. Like I want to hide my face. Or crawl in a hole....or rest my head on his shoulder

I'm worried this session or whatever will change our relationship in some way and I'm nervous about seeing him this week.

Anyone have any similar experiences or words of encouragement? I could really use some support....

Thank you

[vonmoxie]

I think that being vulnerable is part of being really alive.. that it represents progress for you even though it may feel weird right now. I'm still at the stage where I get so hypervigilant upon perceiving my vulnerability that I can't even get to where you are.

You are doing good.

“Vulnerability is the only authentic state. Being vulnerable means being open, for wounding, but also for pleasure. Being open to the wounds of life means also being open to the bounty and beauty. Don’t mask or deny your vulnerability: it is your greatest asset. Be vulnerable: quake and shake in your boots with it. the new goodness that is coming to you, in the form of people, situations, and things can only come to you when you are vulnerable, i.e. open.”

― Stephen Russell, Barefoot Doctor's Guide to the Tao: A Spiritual Handbook for the Urban Warrior

[granite1]

I know when I told my T something horrible I went in to the next session expecting my T to be different .but she was the same old T .we didn't talk much about what I said and kept it kind of light but she was still my T. I have a feeling it will be the same for you . if not make your relationship stronger from sharing something so vulnerable with your T. and there is nothing wrong with hiding your face in a pillow for a but or hide in bed under your blanket .I did .

[shabur]

I've had similar situations where I revealed traumatic events, but both my Ts showed me their tenderness by sitting next to me, holding my hand and in some cases holding me - always asking first.

I would suggest you discuss this with your T so you are not left trying to figure out what he is thinking. It may be that what came up is not his expertise and so he didn't know how to react. He may have also been reading your body language and his response was based on what he saw.

As I said, talk to him. You'll feel better "knowing".

[HazelGirl]

Yes, it made us closer, so it wasn't a bad thing.

[stopdog]

The one I see kept trying to make it into something ("so last week we talked about some tough things, and sometimes people have reactions to telling someone trustworthy and being vulnerable blah blah blah").
I finally got her to stop doing that crap. There were no changes for me
.

[Freewilled]

In the past, any sort of vulnerability would send me into a tailspin of anger or fear or....or something bad. It would overwhelm me for the week after and then some....it was a push-pull thing with my T. But now it feels different.

We have worked really hard on the T relationship to get to this point.....I mean, it has been tough. I never thought I'd get here so I just don't want to go backwards...I guess I'll just have to see how it goes.

Thanks

[archipelago]

There have been moments when I felt incredibly vulnerable, almost like hiding; it was like I lacked skin. It was almost painful. I told my therapist that that was going on, and he stopped allowing the trauma work to proceed so that he could re-connect with me and make sure I felt seen in a safe way, not in an exposed way.

At other times, I thought some of what I was saying was just too awful; it made me feel monstrous. He actually held my hand firmly and said that I needed to get out all this poison and give it to him. He said it with an urgency on his face. I later said that I didn't want to poison him with my toxic stuff. He smiled and just said that I was compassionate but didn't need to worry.

I certainly understand the fears and feelings. I was like that as well at first, and still occasionally feel that way when sharing something very sensitive with my t. However, this has seemed to just bring us closer. My t seems to appreciate it when I am very vulnerable with her.

Originally Posted by Freewilled

Hi everyone,

It's been awhile since I've posted on here....my life has become incredibly intense. I think I'm losing my dissociation defense in a way, and that is bringing everything, good and bad, to life for me. Anyways....

Last session, I went in after having a sort of intense experience around a memory. Suffice to say, I had a very intense session where I spilled a lot of trauma related stuff and I cried (which I've never done before). My T tried to offer me comfort by moving the tissues near me but I wouldn't take one /: I did say thank you.....at the end of the session, it felt a little awkward.

I just feel so vulnerable now I guess....For a couple of days, I was worried that T was going to be mad at me but I recognized this as a cognitive distortion. It went away but now I feel so incredibly vulnerable. Like I want to hide my face. Or crawl in a hole....or rest my head on his shoulder

I'm worried this session or whatever will change our relationship in some way and I'm nervous about seeing him this week.

Anyone have any similar experiences or words of encouragement? I could really use some support....

Thank you

It's good your dissociation is getting better.

I recently had a similar experience where I thought he was going to be mad that I had regressed so much after we were just talking about how I was getting better. I was so scared to tell him I almost had a total breakdown. I was scared that he would abandon me; at the very least, that I would disappoint him, his disapproval...of course it was nothing of the sort.

It seems like the more intense and intimate it gets, the easier it is to tell the most embarrassing scary or shameful stuff. I guess that's all the encouraging words I have to say. I think you're doing really good work.