[guilloche]

So... after posting in the thread about old Ts, and about worst Ts, I started thinking back on my old Ts. And looking through some of my writing from then. Which reminded me of how truly awful that time period was for me.

In particular, one T who I saw really just... I don't know if I can write it off as "we didn't click", it just seemed that everything I did or said was *wrong*. Then when I didn't say anything, that was wrong too. (Gosh, no wonder I didn't feel safe!) At some point, he told me that I was beating him over the head with academic points (nope, never on purpose - I was trying to explain my thinking!). This was the T that when I brought up dissociation, he referred to it as... "the d-word". Then, when I told him that I really related to some of the borderline stuff I had read, he said... "Why didn't you tell me that!!??" (ha! Take a guess, Mr T!)

Phew. Anyway, it still stirs up emotions for me. Some of it is sadness for me back then... I was a mess, I had been badly triggered by a friend who was trying to "help", I was si-ing, I was falling apart... and none of the Ts I saw were able to help at all or understand any of it. Part of it is anger that I found things I wrote *trying* so hard to explain to this guy what was going on, then him getting upset at what I wrote (!) and me having to apologize and make him feel ok It was just a mess, and I wish I could have seen that then.

So I'm curious... has anyone else to talk through previous, bad Ts with their new T? Is this something that's generally acceptable? I don't know why (ok, it's probably b/c of the bad Ts! ) it feels like it might not be appropriate to talk through with a T - like it might somehow offend them, like I might sound like I'm badmouthing their profession?

I want to put it on my list of things to talk about. I don't think I'll actually get to it this week (b/c my list is growing very quickly!) but... I'm curious about others' experience. If you did... was it helpful?

I spent a long time doing this. My first t dumped me out of nowhere and it was extremely earth shattering and caused more PTSD. It took two years to find a good new t, and for several sessions at first we talked about old T a lot. Even now, years later, we still talk about it once in a while.

[guilloche]

Thanks Starry Night... I'm sorry you went through that with your first T... but glad your new T was able to help. It's helpful to hear that this is something other people have done! I always feel so bizarre in therapy with no frame of reference... thanks!

[stopdog]

Not really for me. I do think it can be a way for therapy to be useful.

[HazelGirl]

Yes, that's what we started on because I walked into my appointments with my first T trying really hard to be as honest as possible. I told her all kinds of things. And she invalidated me and made me feel like my problems weren't a big deal at all, and then kicked me out because she thought therapy was making me worse.

We had to start there, because I was very wary and skeptical of my T until we discussed it and how the other T made me feel.

[guilloche]

Thanks Stopdog and Hazelgirl. Hazelgirl, yeah... that makes sense. I feel like some of my wariness towards new-T has to be based on the rotten experiences I had with old-Ts.... and maybe it would help if we talked through some of that (I hope). If nothing else, it would be a chance to see him react differently (I hope!!!) then the old Ts...

It does feel so weird to me though to need a T to "fix" the issues caused by old Ts... not good!

[Leah123]

I had four prior therapists. One was amazing, life changer, one was horrendous, one was textbook, fine but brief, and the one I saw longest, two years, tended towards invalidating, just a bad fit.

After a 20 year gap, I'm back in therapy and I have spent session time talking about three of the four. I've talked about my positive therapist several times, maybe.... a couple hours worth spread out over many sessions. I've worked through some of my issues with the invalidating one as well, even writing to her in the present to get my old records and talking that through with my therapist. So, I spent probably a couple hours talking about her too and have mentioned her several times. I've mentioned my worst therapist as well... again, maybe spent a couple hours talking about her impact on my life, her betrayal, unresolved feelings/transference.

I'm glad to have had the chance to share those important relationships with my current therapist, to put them in perspective and use my knowledge of what worked and didn't work with those women to help improve my current therapy. It's been very helpful.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Yes, I have spent some time with my current T talking about past T's. It's helped me to move past some of the issues I had with my previous T's that were hindering my work with my current T. It also helped my T understand why I reacted the way I did sometimes.

I was grateful that my T was willing to listen to me talk about my previous T's and validate my feelings.

[precaryous]

Yes, I have talked about previous T's a lot in my present therapy. I have talked about some of the bad T's. Current T was angry for me. It was validating. She wasn't mad at me for talking against her profession....she was upset that someone (two someone's) in her profession had treated me that badly.

I have also told her about a previous good T and my grief about having to lose her. I need to talk more about this. I am not done grieving.

I think it is appropriate to discuss bad treatment by previous therapists because the issues that were breached can affect your current therapy. I am particularly working on trust and boundaries in current therapy because of what occurred in previous therapies.

[unaluna]

Oh yeah. I'll be like "you guys" and t will be who guys? Okay, 4 out of 5 ts, not including YOU

[Crescent Moon]

Yes. My previous therapist created a terribly toxic environment for me at an extremely painful time in my life. It was very destructive. I spent the first year or so with my current therapist processing it. She was very, very patient.

[Amandasmom]

It's funny you are asking this question. I been seeing my current T for 4 years. We only discussed once in the last 4 years my last T as she abandoned me. My current T said to write her a letter but not to mail it. At my next session is on Tuesday, I plan to tell my current T something my old T did that I did not like. I'm not sure why I want to tell her now but it's probably time as I'm over my last T but it did take a while because she abandon me and that was painful.

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by guilloche

So... after posting in the thread about old Ts, and about worst Ts, I started thinking back on my old Ts. And looking through some of my writing from then. Which reminded me of how truly awful that time period was for me.

In particular, one T who I saw really just... I don't know if I can write it off as "we didn't click", it just seemed that everything I did or said was *wrong*. Then when I didn't say anything, that was wrong too. (Gosh, no wonder I didn't feel safe!) At some point, he told me that I was beating him over the head with academic points (nope, never on purpose - I was trying to explain my thinking!). This was the T that when I brought up dissociation, he referred to it as... "the d-word". Then, when I told him that I really related to some of the borderline stuff I had read, he said... "Why didn't you tell me that!!??" (ha! Take a guess, Mr T!)

Phew. Anyway, it still stirs up emotions for me. Some of it is sadness for me back then... I was a mess, I had been badly triggered by a friend who was trying to "help", I was si-ing, I was falling apart... and none of the Ts I saw were able to help at all or understand any of it. Part of it is anger that I found things I wrote *trying* so hard to explain to this guy what was going on, then him getting upset at what I wrote (!) and me having to apologize and make him feel ok It was just a mess, and I wish I could have seen that then.

So I'm curious... has anyone else to talk through previous, bad Ts with their new T? Is this something that's generally acceptable? I don't know why (ok, it's probably b/c of the bad Ts! ) it feels like it might not be appropriate to talk through with a T - like it might somehow offend them, like I might sound like I'm badmouthing their profession?

I want to put it on my list of things to talk about. I don't think I'll actually get to it this week (b/c my list is growing very quickly!) but... I'm curious about others' experience. If you did... was it helpful?

Guilloche, what happened with your ex-T sounds a lot like what happened to me with my previous T. Just like you I felt like everything I said or did was wrong, and every time I tried to explain myself I just made it worse. It's what happens when transference is met with countertransference instead of understanding.
It is definitely something that you need to process with your T, but it's *hard*. The transference happened in the first place for a reason - the people in your life didn't understand you and didn't want to try to understand you, and then that preexisting belief is reinforced by a T who can't control their countertransference. It makes it -so- -freaking- -hard- to believe that another T would listen to you after that.
But, if you can use the experience - analyze both your reactions and the T's, it gives valuable insight on your patterns. You just have to be brave enough to believe that your T has your back.

[ThisWayOut]

I have talked about other T's in terms of what worked and did not work. I have not had any awful T's, but have had really traumatizing experiences with other mental health professionals (myself both as a professional, and as a client, but on separate occasions with separate people... I don't think that makes sense... sorry). I do want to talk about the grief surrounding the loss of most recent previous T though, just have not gotten to that yet with new T.
There was one t who dropped me as a client at a really bad time, and the T who I switched to was pretty mad at her for her handling of things though. I was more hurt at the time, but looking back, that T should have handled things better. She wasn't horrible, but she got in over her head then disappeared. The T I saw after her had a lot of pieces to help pick up from that.

[junkDNA]

my former T sexually abused me so i talk about that a lot with my T now. but its not the only thing we talk about.

[someone321]

Hmmm, at my first session with current T I said that actually right then my biggest problem was my T (now it's my ex-T) and she agreed with it. Since then we've talked briefly about stuff which happened during sessions with ex-T but I guess I also was worried that it might be not very appropriate to "complain" about another T, so I was just saying what happened and how it was making me feeling but I've never said that he was stupid jerk etc My current T let me know few times what she thinks about his behavior/responses but in my case it was not a big deal as he didn't do any crime nor anything really unethical, most probably he had just no idea about trauma therapy, so we didn't "click"...

It looks like your previous T still bothers you, so in my opinion, it is always worth to talk about it and I guess Ts should be trained well enough to be able to deal with it... I always assume that they have already heard much worse stories and it makes me feeling better then...

[The_little_didgee]

I had one tell me I was sexually abused which wasn't true. Once that got in my records they all believed it. For a while I doubted everything about myself. It was really confusing and left me profoundly hurt.

Yes, I talk about this but it isn't the main focus of my therapy. It is a part of my story that I need to make peace with. I find discussing it with my parents a lot more helpful.

[Debbie07]

I've had about 40 therapists (I lost count at number 30) since I started going at 18 (I'm now 36). I've been with this one since 2010. We spend A LOT of time talking about one particular therapist I had.

I had a therapist "dump" me. I was seeing her for a couple of years and I started binging again and she wanted to refer me out (she was a general therapist) and I didn't because I told her the binging was a symptom and I thought feelings were at the core and she dealt with feelings and we agreed that I would go to see a specialist and I would come back to her if it didn't work out so I went to a specialist but she didn't take insurance and even though I loved the specialist I realized after 2-3 sessions I couldn't afford her so I tried to go back to my therapist and she never made another appointment for me. I don't think I'm still over being dumped that way. In no way did she owe me being my therapist but I think ethically she owed me a termination session and that really affected me and still affects me 8 years later. Taught me the importance of closure.

She started going to my gym about 3-4 years ago, the location I go to to the chain I go to. I had been going there for at least a year and lost 111 lbs there before she got there so it's special to me and I didn't want to be run off because that specific location and chain is a home away from home.

She avoids eye contact, will change routes if she sees me coming, always has what looks like a scowl, and just has this whole vibe going on that she'd rather me not be there.

I would rather we both act like people who go to the same gym and say "Hey!" and smile at each other when we pass each other (I say hi to EVERYbody and smile to everybody whether I know them or not, so having a sourpuss kind of vibe with somebody is weird to me).

So I have to deal with that every time I go to my Happy Place.

One person jokingly (and good-naturedly, it was in a friendly way) said to her out loud "Good morning, sunshine!" and then turned to us and said she doesn't like to talk in the morning.

[stopdog]

It could simply be the person is not a morning person. I know if people are all perky at me in the morning - I do not respond in kind and try to avoid them.
Actually if people are perky at me almost any time, I would scowl.

[ombrétwilight]

I'm still with my 2nd T and we've never talked about the first one because I only saw her once. I don't even think this T knows that I saw the previous (her ex-colleague). Anyway, I definitely will need to talk to my 3rd T about this T because she is really the best and I will not be able to deal when we terminate in Nov.

BTW, I'm so sorry about your experience! It must suck a fat one to get rejected by the people whose job is to help you. I wouldn't worry about them thinking you're badmouthing therapy, because if you were you won't be in it today. Also they should know better than to take it personally because it's true that there are bad eggs in every field. By telling them what you don't like they can learn from it too and provide you with a better healing process.

I sometimes complain about teachers to my T and she looks a little awkward because she works for my school (so she's technically colleagues with the teaching staff). However if the fault really lies with the teacher then she will say, "Huh! I'm so sorry that happened to you, oh no!" or something like that. It makes me feel better! LOL

[guilloche]

Originally Posted by JustShakey

Guilloche, what happened with your ex-T sounds a lot like what happened to me with my previous T. Just like you I felt like everything I said or did was wrong, and every time I tried to explain myself I just made it worse. It's what happens when transference is met with countertransference instead of understanding.
It is definitely something that you need to process with your T, but it's *hard*. The transference happened in the first place for a reason - the people in your life didn't understand you and didn't want to try to understand you, and then that preexisting belief is reinforced by a T who can't control their countertransference. It makes it -so- -freaking- -hard- to believe that another T would listen to you after that.
But, if you can use the experience - analyze both your reactions and the T's, it gives valuable insight on your patterns. You just have to be brave enough to believe that your T has your back.

Interesting... thanks JustShaky. It does sound like we had very similar experiences. It is still mind-boggling to me that this guy, who is... or should be... professional, educated, etc. had such a bad reaction to me. I've already mentioned to my current T that I thought old T got pulled into my stuff... old T thought I didn't like him (which wasn't really true), and hinted at that... said things like "you must think I'm a schmuck" and a couple other comments.

So frustrating to look back on now... I really wish I had had the sense to see how bad that was going for me... and I hate that I wasted so much money back then on that!!!

Anyway, thanks for this... it does give me a little more perspective on what must have been happening at that time!

[guilloche]

Thanks everyone... I really appreciate hearing everyone's experiences with this, and it's helpful to see that so many others have had to "process" past therapy with the current therapist. It's also really awesome to hear about Ts that have taken your side, and acknowledged other Ts bad behavior!

I think part of it is... yeah, I'm not really 100% sure how much was "my fault". I still think... gosh... this guy taught at my school, seemed really smart, was ethical, seemed like a good person and therapist... what the heck did I do wrong? Which, of course, makes me scared that I'm going to keep screwing up with every therapist... (I've had a couple other less than stellar therapy experiences).

So far, while this new T is not perfect... I think he has a pretty strong sense of self (I hope). Last time, I brought the list of things that had bugged me from the session before... and asked if it was too "nitpicky" (I had posted this too) or mean... he said "absolutely not" and then joked that he has "pretty good self-confidence".

So while not perfect... I'm hoping he can do what seems like such a very basic T-task, keep his stuff separate from my stuff, and not assume that if I'm shut down it's because I hate him

Oh, yeah, and all this is definitely now on the list. The list (of stuff to talk about) is going frightening long though!

Thanks everybody!!!

I think I was trying to trianglelate, T kept her own counsel.

[RTerroni]

Yes all the time

No. Not yet....

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