[Tongalee]

I feel like a ******* idiot!!!

I thought it would be smart to volunteer in a rape and domestic violence center. THE FIRST NIGHT I FALL APART!!!

There are all of these jeans and survivors stories and I couldn't stop my body from shaking. I kept looking at all the faces and hearing them talk about survivors and symptoms of being raped and my chest started to pound and hurt. I could feel myself getting so sweaty and my eyes swelling with tears. I could feel myself dissociating from the room and thought it would be good to text t. I wanted her to say "you can do this, stay strong", but instead she told me she wasn't sure this was a good idea for me right now and that I shouldn't be pushing myself to do this if I was having a hard time.

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry to post. I feel like an idiot, but I'm really startled, constant triggering and that room kept getting smaller. I just need some good thoughts, tell me a joke, please anything!!

[HazelGirl]

Oh Tongalee, I am so sorry. Can you leave? Get somewhere you feel safe and calm?

[tealBumblebee]

I don't know if its available for sure, but many crisis centers like that have a counselor available for staff/volunteers. Is there a way that you could talk to them? I'm sorry that you are feeling so triggered - is it possible to text T back and let her know that you understand what she's saying but thats not what you need in this exact moment and perhaps ask her to help you find a more immediate way to cope and then consider the cause later? I'm so so sorry you are struggling. *hugs*

[ThisWayOut]

Two dogs walk into a bar. The third walks around it... heehee? I dunno any hopes. Sorry you ate having such af difficult time. It can be a really intense experience. Perhaps not the best time to try? I worked at a dv clinic for a while but it was took triggering in the end. It's ok to not be ready yet.
Also, the jeans exhibit can be quite powerful. I went to see one because my t had sent in some artwork I did. I was a hot mess for a full week after... it's one thing to know it happens, it's a whole other thing to have to see and hear the aftermath.

[tealBumblebee]

Got these offline for ya.

Q: What does a nosey pepper do?
A: Gets jalapeno business!

Q: What do you call a fake noodle?
A: An Impasta

Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator

[Tongalee]

Thank you guys!

I did leave when the session was complete and am now on the side of the road somewhere. I want to call t so badly but I know that's not okay right now. She doesn't have any restrictions that we've talked about, but it's the weekend now and I don't want to take up her time.

Thank you guys for the support. Is getting easier to contain now, panic attack nearly over I think.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Tongalee

Thank you guys!

I did leave when the session was complete and am now on the side of the road somewhere. I want to call t so badly but I know that's not okay right now. She doesn't have any restrictions that we've talked about, but it's the weekend now and I don't want to take up her time.

Thank you guys for the support. Is getting easier to contain now, panic attack nearly over I think.

If you need to, please call her. She will understand!

[Tongalee]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

If you need to, please call her. She will understand!

No, I know for a fact that it's been a long day for her. My appointment was early and she had someone before me. She needs her sleep and space and I need to learn to be okay without her. But thank you Hazel girl for looking out.

[ThingWithFeathers]

Aww, you're so not an idiot It's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. If you can look at it as an experience that has provided you with information about yourself and your responses, you might be able to take something very helpful out of it.

[Tongalee]

I know I shouldn't be embarrassed, but it's so hard to not be. I've wasted all of their time and almost had a meltdown in the audience. I managed to keep it together until I got outside, but hit the car in tears followed it up with sobbing, and finished with a flashback type upset that almost sent me into another car. I should be able to do this without nearly breaking every time. Now I'm gunna pull a no show to the rest of the training... nice job loser :/

[MoxieDoxie]

That is what we do. We keep it together, look as normal as possible and then when we go home and close the door behind us and we fall apart so to speak. We learn how to wear the masks we think others need to see. We hide. Yeah they sense something is "off".

[ThingWithFeathers]

I don't think any of that makes you a looser, just someone who had a trauma response to a triggering environment. And, if anyone would understand and be sensitive to your response, it would b those working in the field.

I hope you don't beat yourself up too much about your perfectly valid and understandable reaction to the situation

[HazelGirl]

You're not a loser at all. You have PTSD. That's not your fault and it doesn't make you weak or bad or a loser.

If I went to something like that, but for child abuse, and it caused me to react in that way, would you think I was a loser? Or I was wasting their time?

[RedSun]

So, I went to this zoo, and it just had one little dog...
It was a shi tzu

[Tongalee]

Originally Posted by Red75

So, I went to this zoo, and it just had one little dog...
It was a shi tzu

Haha! Omg that's awesome!

[Tongalee]

I'm having such a hard time! I thought I was okay though I was teary this morning, but I was fine. I spent the day with people that I love and trust thinking this would help. Unfortunately, now I'm just a big pile of mess: tears, snot, the works. I've literally been crying for about two hours now and I can't seem to make it stop for longer than five minutes or so. This is unacceptable, I need to shut this down. This sounds weird but I feel like I really want to dissociate, even though I have no real concept of what that time is really like for me, but I can't. I feel like therapy had been effective on the way that it's stopping bad behaviors, but on the other hand I haven't been able to find good replacements and it's left me a mess.

I'm so sorry, this is all so ridiculous, but I just can't seem to get it together. I'm not going to call t, it's her weekend and her time to be with her kids, but should I try to move my appointment up, or send her an email?

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Tongalee

I'm having such a hard time! I thought I was okay though I was teary this morning, but I was fine. I spent the day with people that I love and trust thinking this would help. Unfortunately, now I'm just a big pile of mess: tears, snot, the works. I've literally been crying for about two hours now and I can't seem to make it stop for longer than five minutes or so. This is unacceptable, I need to shut this down. This sounds weird but I feel like I really want to dissociate, even though I have no real concept of what that time is really like for me, but I can't. I feel like therapy had been effective on the way that it's stopping bad behaviors, but on the other hand I haven't been able to find good replacements and it's left me a mess.

I'm so sorry, this is all so ridiculous, but I just can't seem to get it together. I'm not going to call t, it's her weekend and her time to be with her kids, but should I try to move my appointment up, or send her an email?

Please call her. She would want to talk to you, and it would not take very much time out of her day.

[Tongalee]

I sent her an email letting her know what was going on. I told her that I wanted to have a sooner appointment than was originally scheduled. I'm not sure if I'll hear back from her in time, but she might call if she thinks we need to be more in contact. I'm really afraid to call her HazelGirl. I feel like it's not my place to take her out of what she's doing away from the office. I should be more self reliable than to run to get every time things are hard.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Tongalee

I sent her an email letting her know what was going on. I told her that I wanted to have a sooner appointment than was originally scheduled. I'm not sure if I'll hear back from her in time, but she might call if she thinks we need to be more in contact. I'm really afraid to call her HazelGirl. I feel like it's not my place to take her out of what she's doing away from the office. I should be more self reliable than to run to get every time things are hard.

That's up to her to decide, not you. Although I understand the fear. It's her job to tell you whether that's okay or not. I used to feel the same thing, and would feel so guilty if I had to contact my T on a weekend, but she said she was totally okay with it and she hasn't ever gotten angry or upset at me for it.

[cryingontheinside]

Here's one my daughter told me

A policemen stops a man driving with three penguins in the back of his car "you had better take them back to the zoo" he tells the man. "Ok officer i will. The next day the police man sees the man driving again with the pengiuns in the back of the car and says "i thought i told you to take them penguins to the zoo?
"I did" said the man. "They loved it and now im taking them to the cinema "