[HazelGirl]

I'm stupid. I am self-sabotaging everything. And I can see that. Including my relationship with my T.

Yesterday, I felt absolutely horrible and spent hours crying. My T and I texted back and forth for several hours (intermittently, not constantly) while I was going through it. I basically told her that I didn't believe that she liked me, and that I believe that everyone only tolerates me until I make a mistake. Then they hate me. And I believe that everyone hates me right now, and that if she knew about the mistake I made, she would hate me, too. We got off on a tangent while I tried to pick a fight with her to "prove" I was bad. That failed because she was as calm as she always is.

Well, this afternoon, I sent her a text saying basically that I wanted to quit therapy. That I didn't want to show up on Wednesday, that I was too exhausted and stressed, and I didn't want to do this anymore.

She responded with "I don't understand what is happening..." which made me angry, but I also acknowledged that I didn't know what was happening either, that I was confused and wanted to run away from everyone. That I felt scared of everyone, and that I felt like the world was crashing in on me. I followed it up with two other texts basically saying "I am sorry and I know I am being confusing right now. I want to reject everyone because I feel rejected by everyone."

She hasn't said anything other than that initial text saying she didn't understand what was happening.

And I feel lost and confused and like I am floating out away from everything with nothing to hold onto. And I want to tell her that I don't want to quit, but at the same time, another part of me does want to quit. I don't know what to do or how to fix any of this.

[Leah123]

You fix it by showing up.

That's all it takes to maintain the relationship you have with her. You just show up and be honest and it'll work out.

Your anxiety is very high now, and you know you're catastrophizing and projecting.... it will settle, these feelings aren't permanent.

[HazelGirl]

I can't just show up. I cancelled my appointment. I told her I wanted to quit. I can't just say "Hi! I'm here to discuss how I said I wouldn't be here!"

The only advice I can give is don't quit... like Leah said, show up and be honest. Other than that I'm sending you hugs and good thoughts!!!

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I can't just show up. I cancelled my appointment. I told her I wanted to quit. I can't just say "Hi! I'm here to discuss how I said I wouldn't be here!"

Yes, I read what you wrote, and it sounded like you sort-of cancelled but then apologized.

If you are sincerely worried she has cancelled your appointment, all you need to do is text her:

"I'm sorry for the mixed message, but I am going to show up for my appointment Wednesday if it's still open."

And then you show up.

[stopdog]

I used to quit and go back all the time. The therapist did not even blink. All I did was call the therapist back up and say I wanted to make an appointment and it happened. Usually at the usual time and day as usual. The therapist never really even asked about it or anything.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Leah123

Yes, I read what you wrote, and it sounded like you sort-of cancelled but then apologized.

If you are sincerely worried she has cancelled your appointment, all you need to do is text her:

"I'm sorry for the mixed message, but I am going to show up for my appointment Wednesday if it's still open."

And then you show up.

I know. I don't know if I have an appointment anymore. I don't know if she is under the impression I cancelled or if she assumes I want to cancel but haven't actually cancelled. I don't know which I meant, honestly.

The messages could be read one of two ways:
1. I am canceling. I am confused and lost and I want to get away from everyone to clear my head. I am sorry.
2. I feel like canceling right now. I am pushing people away because I feel frightened by them. I know I am sending mixed signals and I am sorry about how confusing it must be to try to keep up with me.

I'm not sure which she thinks is happening. And it's terrifying for me to tell her I changed my mind. I don't know why, but it is so scary for me to say "hey, I am planning on showing up to my appointment on Wednesday after all, if that is okay with you."

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by artemis-within

The only advice I can give is don't quit... like Leah said, show up and be honest. Other than that I'm sending you hugs and good thoughts!!!

Thank you. I am in a panic right now.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I used to quit and go back all the time. The therapist did not even blink. All I did was call the therapist back up and say I wanted to make an appointment and it happened. Usually at the usual time and day as usual. The therapist never really even asked about it or anything.

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but normally I don't see you are very reassuring or comforting. But this post was incredibly reassuring, that my T won't get angry or frustrated if I change my mind.

[Leah123]

I second what Stopdog wrote: every time I cancelled my therapist was matter of fact or extra welcoming when I returned, there has never once been any drama about it. I imagine it really is pretty common- we certainly read about it on these boards enough.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but normally I don't see you are very reassuring or comforting. But this post was incredibly reassuring, that my T won't get angry or frustrated if I change my mind.

I am not often trying to be or not be comforting or reassuring. But if you feel reassured it is fine. What I wrote has been my experience.

[tooski]

I have been where you're at, and I'm sorry you're going through this. Just grit your teeth and go. In other words, hang in there, trite as that may sound. Sometimes I have to just put on blinders and keep plodding along, and not give up. Eventually the sun comes out, and I can see clearly again. But please don't give up. You're stronger than you think. n

[JaneC]

HG..... sorry you are so anxious right now. Like others have said, send a text, short and clear "I'd like to keep my appointment Wednesday please. See you then?".....turn up and work it out together.

T's are used to this, and yours has always sounded supportive when you write, so I am sure will be no different this time.

[anilam]

Well, the worst that can happen is that she did cancel your session and you two would have to find another free slot/wait a week.
Ive canceled few times myself- like seriously cancelled, went through the whole termination phase and stuff. Changed my mind, came back and we picked up where we left off.
Ts are used to it, as any professional is, you'll be fine, just go back

[HazelGirl]

You guys, I don't deserve her. I really don't, not at all.

She wrote back at 11 PM last night and said basically that she cares about me and understands that right now it's easier for me to run away.

I don't know what to say in response to that. I don't understand why she cares. I don't deserve it. I don't know why she puts up with my crap. I don't know what to say or do now.

[Luce]

This is all going to turn out okay, even if right at this moment you are not at all certain that it will. But it really will.

With regards to 'why does she put up with this crap?' my guess is because this is all just part of the process and she knows that. Being vulnerable can be pretty scary stuff, and it's pretty typical to want to run away and close up again. Your T will get this, and she will *know* that when it gets tough and you want to run away, you will soon be ready to give it another try again.
It will be okay.

[elliemay]

Thank her. Tell her you'll be at the appointment. It'll be okay.

When things get ramped up they can take on a life of their own, which may or may not have a foot any kind of truth.

Go to your appointment. Talk about how you are feeling.

[someone321]

Yay, that's good that she can understand you Just take this opportunity and cancel your session cancellation Good luck, I hope that you'll be able to discuss your concerns with T...

[HazelGirl]

So I said this:
That I feel like my current problem is related more to the mistake I made at the beginning of August than to my past, that I am feeling really exposed and like everyone can see how bad I am, that I feel like I have ruined everything, that being around other people is causing me to have panic attacks because I feel so exposed and bad, that there are parts of the story I am not telling because it would take too long to explain, and that I guess I didn't really want to quit, I'm just afraid and and it's easier for me to run away.

HG

Did you sleep at all?

[Aloneandafraid]

HG You are so lucky to have the T you have. You are also doing amazingly well. I am in a very similar situation. I don't want to go tomorrow. I have been upset by friends and I feel I have pushed everyone away. I so relate to EVERYTHING you have posted. I am so sorry you are hurting. But your T will support you (unlike mine). Good luck HG. xx

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

HG

Did you sleep at all?

Not a lot. A few hours.

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

HG You are so lucky to have the T you have. You are also doing amazingly well. I am in a very similar situation. I don't want to go tomorrow. I have been upset by friends and I feel I have pushed everyone away. I so relate to EVERYTHING you have posted. I am so sorry you are hurting. But your T will support you (unlike mine). Good luck HG. xx

It sucks. I still feel emotionally exhausted. I am worried now because I have to talk about all this on Wednesday.

[HazelGirl]

An update:

My T asked if I was willing to talk about this stuff on Wednesday, and I said I know I need to, but I didn't know if I could. So she asked me to show up, and we could talk about other things, and I agreed to that. She also said she had been really worried about me because she cares about me, which made me feel guilty.

But I am worried about showing up and not being able to say anything. Or not being able to actually go into the building. I am terrified. I don't know why all this is scaring me so badly.

[Jordy]

I understand how you feel, I've had my own share of sessions I was afraid of. But going is the best gift you can do to yourself. Hang in there, it does get better!

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Jordy

I understand how you feel, I've had my own share of sessions I was afraid of. But going is the best gift you can do to yourself. Hang in there, it does get better!

I know. I know I need to go. I know it's important. It's just really scary.

[sweepy62]

Hazelgirl , all you need to do is show up, don't worry about what you will say, or what she will say. Don't worry about the texting that went on.

Do this: pretend you woke up , you don't feel well and you get dressed . You step out the door and your going to this place, to see someone to feel better. That's it. No questions . Just show up.

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