Falling apart

I feel my life tearing part at the seams. I found out my "friends" mock me behind my back for having mental health issues so I've stopped hanging out with them and I'm so lonely. I get anxious about time moving forward and the fact that I'm working three jobs (one is inconsistent) but still not making enough to build up a real amount of money. The flashbacks are daily and the topic of CSA has completely hijacked my mind. I can't get it off of my mind and I find myself drinking to just be at peace with the thoughts. I can't drink them away but I can drink until I don't care about them. I know this is a serious problem.

My old school T's supervisor ruined the promising setup I had with an intern here. She thinks I need to prioritize meeting someone twice a week over working with someone who actually works well with me. I didn't even ask to meet with someone twice a week. She just decided that. So she moved me to a different intern and I hate her. She asked me to talk about trauma within 15 mins of meeting her. I refused but I'm still upset that she would be so dumb as to try to ask me to do that. I don't know if I can switch again. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

I feel lost and drowning in my memories. I just want this to stop but I doubt it will. I know I need to hold on because every September is rough for me and I'm not allowed to mess up again. LCM helps.

I'm sorry you are suffering but you are prolonging this suffering by not making finding a trauma t to truly help you with all this THE TOP priority. You have even been offered help by people, atleast one, on this forum. Do NOT worry about T's feelings... If it's not a match then move on.

I forgot to mention that this is my top priority. I'm still calling people and I took the help from that person but it's just taking a long time.

Maybe I will never fine one. And I I will just drown

I beedobr and since no one will one me atxlrqwtci IWW LCM I want to kill my fad

Sober again. I find myself taking Vistrial with vodka to force myself to sleep and it scares me but always seems like a good idea for some dumb reason. I want to do it now because I'm sick of this day but I know it is a horrible idea. Why can't I stop doing horrible things?

I swear by guided meditation.

I'm trying to be less contrary so when I say this, I'm not throwing out the idea or giving an excuse to not do it. Just a problem I have and do not know how to overcome. I struggle with guided meditation. I find myself being overly critical of the person's voice or the music in the background. Then I'll challenge absolutely everything the person says. I'd give an example of something I do, but really I do it enough on this website that an example really isn't needed.

I don't know. It feels like I just don't trust the person guiding me and I worry the voice will guide me wrong. I guess it might be saying something about my issues. How can I trust anyone or anyone on the internet when I can't even trust a guided meditation.

I don't know how to stop doing that.

growli, you probably know this but alcohol use makes PTSD worse in the long run. try to take good care of yourself, okay?

FWIW Growli, I don't like guided mediation either. I get really annoyed with it - and I can't stand the generic meditation tape voice. It's funny, That Voice sounds exactly the same even if the language is different... My T even tried it on me once and I nearly burst trying not to laugh at him...
Well, it's not for everyone I guess.

Maybe LCM would be willing to record an mp3 for you. My T did that and it helped me actually use this stuff and not focus on the crappy new age music or a grating voice.

She has lead meditation before. I would laugh at her or make fun of her. Now I'd like that recording but just because I want to hear her voice tell me everything is okay.

Have you considered widening your scope of where you're willing to see a therapist? Many suburbs, while certainly not nearly as convenient, are still accessible by public transportation. The Ts with offices in the cities you prefer tend to have less availability from my experience. I know it may not be feasible for you, but just a thought.

Yes. I will go wherever I can get to by T or commuter rail. The problem is the commute time. If it will take me an hour to get there, I could only get there on the weekends or late at night on a few days of the week. My schedule is almost completely stuffed.

Too bad you have such a cramped schedule. Ts available at night or on weekends are hard to find. I hope you can find someone soon, it is so important.

Ugh I know. Old TT worked from 5pm to 9pm (last session at 8pm) so I know they exist but ugh it's so hard to find. I wish she would have not sucked but whatever I guess.

I work weekends and it's pretty standard in the music world for the heavy work week to be from Thursday to Sunday. Our light days are typically Monday and Wednesday. It really makes total sense. People hire entertainment when they are off work and have time to be entertained. But I always have to always remind myself, most people work Monday to Friday from 9 to 5. A therapist would find a Sunday appointment at 10am or 8pm to be weird and impossible despite how frequently I work Sundays at 10am and 8pm.