[HazelGirl]

For the past few weeks, this is all I have done. I have picked fights with people, I have annoyed people, I have purposefully driven a wedge between myself and the rest of the world. And now I've done it to my T, too.

I basically told her yesterday that I believe she mocks me, and that she hates me and finds me annoying. And then today I sent her a text semi-quitting. Sort of. And told her I didn't understand what was going on with me and that I was sorry. I don't even know if I quit at this point.

But I feel miserable. And I hate myself, and my life, and my world. And I hate feeling this way all the time. And I hate how awful I am and how many mistakes I make. I don't know what to do.

[Leah123]

Maybe concentrate on someone else for a while? Have you tried volunteer work?

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Leah123

Maybe concentrate on someone else for a while? Have you tried volunteer work?

I volunteer a ton. Every week, literally. I spend more than 10 hours a week volunteering.

[HazelGirl]

And my T hasn't responded to my text. I don't know what's wrong with me right now. I feel like I'm in chaos.

[HazelGirl]

I know I am being horrible. And I don't understand it. And I don't know what to do about it.

You're not being horrible. You're experiencing emotions that you once disavowed--because they were once unacceptable to your parents, then you learned that they were unacceptable to society....

I'm going thru something similar. It sux. But it's better to be real than to be dissociated. You're doing good work.

ps

And I don't know what to do about it.

Find your sense of self. Who cares what anyone else thinks....that's the answer..

[Open Eyes]

HazelGirl,

Sorry you are struggling so much right now. Slow down, perhaps some things are surfacing and it could be emotional flashbacks, I have those myself and find I have to wait it out until I can slowly figure it out.

If it is any help, my husband also has ADHD and can go through bouts of anger, and he doesn't even have PTSD. You have both so be patient, if you need some time out from people, so be it until you can figure this all out. Your T "should be" understanding with this too. Don't be hard on yourself.

((Caring Hugs))
OE

[lilypup]

It's okay. I'm sure your T has a good handle on your feelings and won't take it personally. You might try a text apologizing and getting a new appt. Everyone has bad spells.

[HazelGirl]

She only responded with "I don't understand what is happening..." after I sent her the text about wanting to quit. I really feel like she isn't tracking with me, or doesn't care enough to try.

[HazelGirl]

And I'm not surprised she doesn't understand. I don't understand, so how can I explain it to her? I don't want to talk to her or see her or talk to anyone. I don't want anything to do with anyone. And it is just making me feel worse and worse to push everyone away. I am so confused and in so much pain right now.

HazelGirl... I've been where you are... These feelings will pass.. You need to hunker down.. Try to remind yourself of the feelings from the past and past ways your T has showed she cared... Sometimes you just need to give yourself time out...

It will pass

[HazelGirl]

I know I am being too much for her. I texted her all afternoon yesterday because I was feeling horrible. I spent the afternoon and evening crying, for literally hours, but refused to tell her what was going on that was causing me to be so upset.

And now I feel even worse and I know she has to be tired of me.

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I know I am being too much for her. I texted her all afternoon yesterday because I was feeling horrible. I spent the afternoon and evening crying, for literally hours, but refused to tell her what was going on that was causing me to be so upset.

And now I feel even worse and I know she has to be tired of me.

What helps for me, when I feel overwhelmed, is to write everything down in a letter to T. Not emails, but actual letters. Then send them snail mail to T, and talk through the emotions in the letters in person. I find that when I start writing, I connect to T and release the emotions at the same time, without the sense of urgency and anxiety that emailing and texting envoke. I wouldn't advice this in a crisis, but it helps me get through passing feelings of panic and needing to connect. Plus I don't get embarassed later.

[HazelGirl]

I am so terrified that she hates me now. And I don't want to see her or talk to her on Wednesday. And I am afraid she will see how awful I am. And I have ruined everything with everyone else, too, because I keep pushing everyone away. I am awful. I have wrecked everything.

HazelGirl...you have not wrecked everything... Now after reading your last post I remember you have a thread about really wanting to talk to your T about something but not being able to and feeling a lot of shame...

Perhaps there is a part of you who is trying to convince you that it's ruined or to try to ruin it with your T so you will not discuss this. I think if you will go in on Wednesday and talk about the original thing it will relieve these feelings...(I apologize if I am not remembering correctly)

The "I don't need anybody for anything" is my go to defense mechanism... Think it might mean you are getting close to something big in T?

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

HazelGirl...you have not wrecked everything... Now after reading your last post I remember you have a thread about really wanting to talk to your T about something but not being able to and feeling a lot of shame...

Perhaps there is a part of you who is trying to convince you that it's ruined or to try to ruin it with your T so you will not discuss this. I think if you will go in on Wednesday and talk about the original thing it will relieve these feelings...(I apologize if I am not remembering correctly)

The "I don't need anybody for anything" is my go to defense mechanism... Think it might mean you are getting close to something big in T?

I don't know. I don't know at all. I am so confused right now. I can't just shut it all off and numb out like I used to. I feel so upset and scared.

She still hasn't said anything else to me. If she doesn't say anything before Wednesday, I am not going to my appointment. I don't want to show up if she doesn't want to talk to me.

HG. I don't think in this case she will respond since you said you want to quit..etc etc.

But you can send her a text just saying I want to come in on Wednesday. Please text back and let me know you will still see me.

I've done the moody angry pissed upset crazy making quit thing before and I had to text email that T and say i still want to come in if you will see me...

Whatever has you this tense and fighting seeing her...needs to be dealt with or it will just continue to upset you

[Leah123]

You're in a lot of distress and I am sorry. Just know that the way you're thinking isn't rational: you're catastrophizing and projecting your distress onto your T. She'll be okay and you'll still have a relationship with her after this storm has passed.

What's the most calming thing you know how to do? Can you try a marathon of that?

And do you do DBT? It's really helpful to me in situations like this.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

HG. I don't think in this case she will respond since you said you want to quit..etc etc.

But you can send her a text just saying I want to come in on Wednesday. Please text back and let me know you will still see me.

I've done the moody angry pissed upset crazy making quit thing before and I had to text email that T and say i still want to come in if you will see me...

Whatever has you this tense and fighting seeing her...needs to be dealt with or it will just continue to upset you

I don't think I can do that. I don't think I can tell her I want to be there. I can't admit to that right now. I don't know if she will respond. I don't know if she even cares. Or if she is relieved I said I want to quit. A part of me doesn't even want to go back and is glad I quit. But I think that another part of me feels really desperate and afraid that I won't be able to go back, and is really upset and scared. And it is all leaving me really confused.

Originally Posted by Leah123

You're in a lot of distress and I am sorry. Just know that the way you're thinking isn't rational: you're catastrophizing and projecting your distress onto your T. She'll be okay and you'll still have a relationship with her after this storm has passed.

What's the most calming thing you know how to do? Can you try a marathon of that?

And do you do DBT? It's really helpful to me in situations like this.

I do not do DBT although I have always thought it might be helpful for me.

I don't calm myself really well. It's an ongoing struggle for me, and a lot of the methods my T has given me haven't worked very well. About the only thing I know works is progressive muscle relaxation, but it also makes me start crying and it takes a long time before I am able to calm down and stop crying.

[sweepy62]

Sorry that you are feeling this way, you are on that emotional coaster again. I think you want to push your t away to avoid talking about something . That makes you angry , so you push everyone else away, it's so hard when those EMOTIONS just sneak up on you, without a heads up.

I'm stuck in an emotional mess my rollercoaster stopped midway with the seat turned upside down. And the guy who operates the coaster, left. I'm stuck up there upside down, that's how I feel.

Maybe you are stuck somewhere on that coaster. We just might have to just take a risk and climb our way out of there and back on the ground, where we can make better sense of things.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[HazelGirl]

I don't know what to do. I feel lost. I can't do anything. I am stuck. And I am making it worse and worse. Everything I do causes it to become worse.

I don't even know how to describe what is going on inside me. And it's all my fault. And I don't know how to fix it. I can't fix it.

[Ford Puma]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

For the past few weeks, this is all I have done. I have picked fights with people, I have annoyed people, I have purposefully driven a wedge between myself and the rest of the world. And now I've done it to my T, too.

I basically told her yesterday that I believe she mocks me, and that she hates me and finds me annoying. And then today I sent her a text semi-quitting. Sort of. And told her I didn't understand what was going on with me and that I was sorry. I don't even know if I quit at this point.

But I feel miserable. And I hate myself, and my life, and my world. And I hate feeling this way all the time. And I hate how awful I am and how many mistakes I make. I don't know what to do.

Not much I will say here will help you in anyway. Although I would think nearly 70% of us do that kind of thing some where along the line.
When ever I get frustrated at the world and every one in it I go to the gym and knock myself out their. Not much more I can say.
I wish you the best HazelGirl.

[Asiablue]

You have a good T, Hazelgirl, she will be there waiting for you on Wednesday, she hasn't and won't abandon you. This is your demons talking.

From experience, I suggest rather than texts flying back and forth, which only seems to escalate the mood I'm in, be brave and ask to speak to her on the phone for a few minutes. Because hearing her voice will ground you. Hearing my T's voice and getting support always takes the wind out my sails and calm me back down.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

You have a good T, Hazelgirl, she will be there waiting for you on Wednesday, she hasn't and won't abandon you. This is your demons talking.

From experience, I suggest rather than texts flying back and forth, which only seems to escalate the mood I'm in, be brave and ask to speak to her on the phone for a few minutes. Because hearing her voice will ground you. Hearing my T's voice and getting support always takes the wind out my sails and calm me back down.

My other thread sort of updates from where this one left off, but to answer this: I wanted to call her really badly, but I felt too scared and ashamed to. I know if I try to talk to her verbally on the phone, I will shut down and be unable to tell her what I am feeling. I hate talking on the phone.