[HazelGirl]

I don't know why, but since my T appointment on Wednesday, I have felt a lot of different emotions. I have been grateful, and very thankful for my T. I have felt relieved to know she cares about me and didn't judge me for what I told her. I have been feeling really clingy and needy, too. And I have felt guilty and anxious for worrying her and texting her so much. I'm not sure how all these emotions can coexist, or why I am feeling some of them. I have no idea why I feel so clingy right now, for example. And despite my T's reassurance, I still feel guilty for worrying her last week, and making her afraid because I was so hopeless yet wouldn't tell her what was going on. And I just feel soooo clingy, like I want to wrap my arms around her legs and never let go.

Ugh...emotions are hard.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Yes, emotions are hard and I'm sorry you're struggling with them.

Just from my own observations - the clingy part seems to come out when I feel acceptance and validation from my T. It's not something I've had much of, and something I've always craved, so when I feel that acceptance and validation, I just want to hold on to the feelings and not let go...which seems to translate in to being clingy with T.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by BlessedRhiannon

Yes, emotions are hard and I'm sorry you're struggling with them.

Just from my own observations - the clingy part seems to come out when I feel acceptance and validation from my T. It's not something I've had much of, and something I've always craved, so when I feel that acceptance and validation, I just want to hold on to the feelings and not let go...which seems to translate in to being clingy with T.

Maybe that's the case for me. I don't know for sure, because I can't seem to connect the clinginess to anything else, but I may just be unaware of the connection (it's difficult to explain, but I can normally tell where certain emotions are coming from and the connections between them that my brain is making, but with the clinginess, it seems to just be floating out there by itself). I know I haven't received a lot of acceptance or validation, and I do crave that. But I got it, and I don't have anything else to say that needs to be validated at this point. I'm not sure why it's coming out so strongly.

[IndestructibleGirl]

I think also it might partly be relief that she is a 'safe' person to cling to? She has never let you down, and you feel deep down that she ain't going anywhere, so in all the jumble of your emotions it makes sense that you want to cling to somebody trustworthy.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

I think also it might partly be relief that she is a 'safe' person to cling to? She has never let you down, and you feel deep down that she ain't going anywhere, so in all the jumble of your emotions it makes sense that you want to cling to somebody trustworthy.

I don't know. Maybe? Or maybe it's all transference-related, and all my childish needy feelings are coming out?

[HazelGirl]

Well, I sent her another text basically saying that I am feeling very clingy right now. I'm not sure what she will do with that, but I do think I want her to know.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I don't know. Maybe? Or maybe it's all transference-related, and all my childish needy feelings are coming out?

That kind of ties in with what I mean.

Small children will often save up their 'childish and needy' feelings for the person/ people they feel safe with, who they feel secure enough to be vulnerable with. So a four year old might be all mature and poised at school (well, relatively!) then come home and throw a tantrum or be clingy with mummy to decompress after the hard work of being on their best behaviour at school all day. They know mummy (or whoever) will not reject them.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

That kind of ties in with what I mean.

Small children will often save up their 'childish and needy' feelings for the person/ people they feel safe with, who they feel secure enough to be vulnerable with. So a four year old might be all mature and poised at school (well, relatively!) then come home and throw a tantrum or be clingy with mummy to decompress after the hard work of being on their best behaviour at school all day. They know mummy (or whoever) will not reject them.

That makes sense. But it's still really uncomfortable. I'm not sure what to do with these feelings.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Of course it's uncomfortable, it's going through stages of development that you missed out on first time round, now as an adult. So it feels incongrous in a way, and in my case I get embarrassed about it - like I should be above those kinds of reactions. I get it, I really do

I think it is a long, sloooooow process to actually start knowing how to process the feelings. For me at first, even saying I had needs - woah, that made me feel so nauseated and panicky and humilated. It has taken a year for me to accept that I do, in fact, have needs. Still not happy a lot of the time about having needs, but at least I don't feel like I want to disappear into a pit of shame when I acknowledge it. These things take time.

What's that thing about needing to do 10,000 hours of something to become an expert at something?? So over your lifetime you have quite literally become an expert at denying and repressing your own needs for a secure relationship, in order for you to survive, because it wasn't on offer when you were growing up. Now these needs are being invited into consciousness, and they're going to be scary and uncomfortable and reluctant at times.

[JustShakey]

I think this is good HG, I think it shows a lot of progress that you've reached a point that you're able to feel clingy and needy with T.
What IG says above about holding in the neediness makes a lot of sense. I remember trying to get my needs met by some of my Infants' teachers because I had to be strong at home. Of course I got (gently) reprimanded, though it didn't feel gentle at the time. Of course I learned that getting one's needs met is not proper. Trying to re-learn that it's okay 30-odd years on is *hard*.
These days I'm feeling like I need/want something, but I have no idea what, just that I shouldn't expect whatever-it-is from T. ... I'm a little lost...

[HazelGirl]

I told my T how I am feeling today, and she said that it is very good that I feel like I can depend on her, since I didn't get that from anyone else. But it doesn't change how difficult and uncomfortable it feels. I hate feeling needy and clingy.

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Of course it's uncomfortable, it's going through stages of development that you missed out on first time round, now as an adult. So it feels incongrous in a way, and in my case I get embarrassed about it - like I should be above those kinds of reactions. I get it, I really do

I think it is a long, sloooooow process to actually start knowing how to process the feelings. For me at first, even saying I had needs - woah, that made me feel so nauseated and panicky and humilated. It has taken a year for me to accept that I do, in fact, have needs. Still not happy a lot of the time about having needs, but at least I don't feel like I want to disappear into a pit of shame when I acknowledge it. These things take time.

What's that thing about needing to do 10,000 hours of something to become an expert at something?? So over your lifetime you have quite literally become an expert at denying and repressing your own needs for a secure relationship, in order for you to survive, because it wasn't on offer when you were growing up. Now these needs are being invited into consciousness, and they're going to be scary and uncomfortable and reluctant at times.

I am always afraid that my needs, or the fact that I feel close to someone won't be reciprocated. It makes me incredibly anxious when I feel like I want to express any of that.

But I also am afraid and nervous because the reality is that my T could decide to leave at any point. I'm not in control of other people or their lives or actions. Although I don't think that's her plan, I don't have control over whether she does or not. I know that's how every relationship works, but it feels more extreme in therapy for some reason.

Originally Posted by JustShakey

I think this is good HG, I think it shows a lot of progress that you've reached a point that you're able to feel clingy and needy with T.
What IG says above about holding in the neediness makes a lot of sense. I remember trying to get my needs met by some of my Infants' teachers because I had to be strong at home. Of course I got (gently) reprimanded, though it didn't feel gentle at the time. Of course I learned that getting one's needs met is not proper. Trying to re-learn that it's okay 30-odd years on is *hard*.
These days I'm feeling like I need/want something, but I have no idea what, just that I shouldn't expect whatever-it-is from T. ... I'm a little lost...

I know that feeling of needing something, but having no idea what it is. I feel it a lot, and my T has said it's because I have had to ignore my needs for so long that I no longer recognize them. It's a very painful, aching feeling.