[Leah123]

Today we had a blowup at home. My daughter, nine, was struggling with her temper, upset because I had to brush her hair in a hurry and it was massively tangled and she wasn't allowed to play online this morning. She was apparently tired and cranky too.

(She has ODD.) She hit me twice and also twice dumped my office garbage all over the floor, banged around, threatening to leave for school without me, etc.

I spent three hours on the phone w/my T today and I feel maybe 5% better, not a good return on investment.

I am feeling BLEAK. My work is stressful, 60 hours a week, my f/t online college program has gotten complicated because five classes changed from structured, normal classes with teaching to independent study, my husband woke up on the wrong side of the bed, my finances are depressing, I had another nightmare visit at the dentist last night, and it turns out the career I'm pursuing might be much more of a dead end than I'd hoped. And I'm significantly sleep deprived.

What am I doing wrong you guys?

Lay it on me.

It's hard to say "Oh, I'm just having a bad day." Bad day doesn't sum it up right. Because bad day implies tomorrow will be better, but it won't be all better.

I am typically optimistic and confident. Not so much right now. I want to sleep. I want to sleep for a week. I need to, but I can't. I'm busy dealing with my daughter threatening me, acting as if she'll throw things at me, slamming around.

I am so drained.

My therapist says I'm a very good, loving mother and when I explained the whole rolling nightmare this morning, she tried to help me brainstorm solutions, which sounded like Greek to me, because as she finally figured out, I'm feeling too emotionally raw to put my heart into things like, trim her hair shorter or think practically. Though I did plan to take her tonight for a trim as she said she wanted to, but has now changed her mind.

My therapist says today was a fluke. But working too hard isn't a fluke, and my student loan isn't a fluke, and my bills aren't flukes, and being tied to my family isn't a fluke, and not knowing if I can possibly get a new job and earn a decent living without working 60/h a week is not a fluke. I wanted a career. Maybe am being way too idealistic. Looks like my options are a career at half my current wage or another job administrating someone else's dream, which pays but isn't fulfilling. (I'd be more optimistic if I had more than 2 minutes a week to think about transitioning.)

My kingdom for some good counsel. (In fact.... my kingdom for free to anyone foolish enough to want it!)

And someone tell me why I'm too stupid to say F-it to work tonight and go to bed at a decent hour. I work til 10pm typically and start again at 5am, but I need a break. Where is my F-it impulse when I need it. I wish I were disciplined, or am I disciplined enough but trying to do far too much. Or both.

I was literally tempted to quit my job today, and that's a scary thought. Quitting would be so unwise but feel SO good.

(and it's my fault, of course, that her hair was tangled, because I didn't make enough time for it. I try hard to prioritize, but I blew that one.)

[Favorite Jeans]

I really don't see that you're doing anything wrong. It's been a crappy day and some days are like that. I highly doubt that there is no possible satisfying and financially viable career option for you. It's okay that you can't see it right now.

One of my kids has had phases featuring many episodes like the one youre describing with your daughter. My heart goes out to you. It's not easy. A book I found really helpful was The Explosive Child by Ross Greene http://www.amazon.ca/gp/aw/d/0062270451 it made me feel saner, less desperate and less at fault.

Sending you hugs. Be gentle with yourself. Try not to think very big thoughts. Focus on dilemmas like "would tea or hot chocolate taste better right now?"

[Leah123]

I've been using The Explosive Child book, recommended by my therapist, but I guess I was too tired and rushed today to be perfect. I tried to compromise and empathize, but... didn't work out.

P.S. I see that's the book you just recommended, lol, yeah, I do like that book a lot, it fits us very well. Been trying to get hubby on board, that's harder.

P.P.S. That's good advice, and I'm sure you're right, but yeah, I can't see the positive side well right now, but I'll try...

[Wren_]

Leah ... something about what you wrote jumped out to me for some reason; who is telling you, you have to get it perfect? that's a really big task to try and achieve

is it you ...
someone else currently...
someone else in the past...

[Leah123]

No, sorry, I just meant... in order to manage my daughter without her blowing up, it would have taken perfection today, and I couldn't.

I.E. if I opted to let her watch TV while I brushed her hair, it would have been okay, but today, because of an issue yesterday, she wasn't supposed to have screentime.

The difference in those little decisions, for her, is the difference between compliance and complete anarchy when she is stressed.

As for perfection, no, I've given up any hope of that. I used to be a perfectionist, but then I decided I had to grow up and put my energies into important things like school and family and a new career instead of scrubbing the floors with a toothbrush. It's pathetic how far from perfect this life is now. Well, wasn't perfect before, but at least it was neat, ha.

[growlycat]

This might sound awful, but can kiddo go stay with someone for a week? Are grandparents around?

You are taking on a lot. Without good sleep, it is hard to correct fatigue.

[Wren_]

((((((Leah)))))) thanks for explaining ... just sometimes seems like you put so much pressure on yourself to get things right ... and you already are under so much with the hours you work and everything else going on ... it really does sound like you need a break or for something to change

[Leah123]

Well, Growly, if I can survive until Saturday, which feels like 5 years away, she actually got invited to a slumber party, so I'd have 24 hours without her, but I have so much homework, but....anyway, maybe I could sleep some. It's actually my wedding anniversary that day too, sigh. But I'm supposed to write 1,500 words before then on an unusually research intensive topic and I'm like... not good at getting homework done on time. Seems to always keep me up late.

I need to do something though.

[pmbm]

Leah,

I think you are amazing to be doing all you are. I don't know how you do it . I'm a stay at home mom to three adopted kids, with lots of medical issues and emotional needs. But, that's all I do. I don't work, I don't take classes , and all of my kids are out of the house for 8 hours each work day... And yet, I can barely keep up. And I fall into bed absolutely exhausted at 9p and get up at 6a. Please pat yourself on the back, forgive yourself for the hair, and get some rest.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

((((((Leah)))))) thanks for explaining ... just sometimes seems like you put so much pressure on yourself to get things right ... and you already are under so much with the hours you work and everything else going on ... it really does sound like you need a break or for something to change

I do think I need something to change. I literally need more sleep and maybe some more free time to exercise and work on a new job.... I think.

I do put a lot of pressure on myself, but I've really been trying to go easy, at least in little ways, let my husband and in-laws help for example, but... I'm just coming up short right now.

I just need to sleep. I need to say that's the most important thing... I wonder if as bad a day as today was will convince me, because it's true, I'm always pressuring myself to finish work, school, errands, etc., but I mean, I don't wanna lose my job or flunk or anything...

[guilloche]

Leah - I honestly don't know how you do it. To me, trying to take care of ALL that - full time job (60h/week? Seriously? That's like two jobs!), full time school (5 classes?!), a marriage, a house, and a kid with her own mental health issues? Wow. I honestly don't think I could handle all that.

I feel like I say this all the time... but I really do wish I had good advice to give on this, because when I read it, I so badly want to say something helpful! And, it's just so far out of my league (I'm single, with just the one job... no kids, no school, lots of hobbies - but they can't fire me or fail me!)

Is it possible at all to either scale back your hours at work, or to scale back the school stuff? I was under the impression that most people who work full-time only take one or two classes at a time if they attempt school while working? I know, it sucks to have to slow down... but if it saves you some sanity, and gives you some time to actually breathe (and sleep, and do other things to take care of yourself)... it might be worth the tradeoff? I don't know... something to think about?

I guess the other, maybe bigger thing is... are you making YOU a priority? When I read all that, I feel sort of like you are getting lost in all the things that need to be done - working hard for everyone else? Maybe that's not true (you did spend a couple hours talking to your therapist - yay!) but again, something to think about. If you could have more time to take care of yourself, make sure you're sleeping, nurture yourself and relax... maybe everything else would feel a little easier, because you wouldn't be so close to completely maxed out all the time?

Just some thoughts... and (((hugs))). I hope the rest of the week goes much better for you and your family!

[Leah123]

I'm really sorry if I was unclear, I am tired.

I'm not taking five courses at the same time- I'm a full time college student, so... three classes per term, but the way mine is structured, instead of three over three-four months, it's one every 30 days. Trouble is, the past five months, they've all been chaos. I've appealed for a partial refund, will take 2 months to see if I get it. In the meantime, the lack of structure's driving me bonkers, admittedly a short drive.

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by Leah123

I've been using The Explosive Child book, recommended by my therapist, but I guess I was too tired and rushed today to be perfect. I tried to compromise and empathize, but... didn't work out

Haha. Yeah I remember getting into this screaming match with my kid, totally losing my cool but trying to stick with explosive child book verbiage yelling something like "I can see that this is hard for you, and I am TRYING to compromise with you which means you HAVE TO stop being so difficult and give a little here!" Needless to say it didn't go swimmingly.

I like that the author gives you "permission" to forgo things like baths and hair brushing or whatever causes major contention for a little while just to keep the peace in your household. I stopped trying to get my son to eat things other than pasta and chips and he just lived on that three meals a day for a couple of months. Every now and again he'd have apple slices with peanut butter too.

[guilloche]

Originally Posted by Leah123

I'm really sorry if I was unclear, I am tired.

I'm not taking five courses at the same time- I'm a full time college student, so... three classes per term, but the way mine is structured, instead of three over three-four months, it's one every 30 days. Trouble is, the past five months, they've all been chaos. I've appealed for a partial refund, will take 2 months to see if I get it. In the meantime, the lack of structure's driving me bonkers, admittedly a short drive.

Ah.... I see.... I'm glad it's not five at once (phew!)
Still... the chaos and lack of structure would drive me nuts too

I hope it gets better soon... and that you're able to get some nice, restful sleep!

[Lauliza]

I don't think you're doing anything wrong, other than maybe expecting too much from yourself. I've been in similar situation - worked 32 hours a week, was separated, taking classes, have 3 kids (one with ASD and what looked like ODD at the time), bad finances and no help. It was awful. I had to change something, one thing being my course of study. You shouldn't give up your dreams but is there any way to compromise? Like school part time? That was the therapeutic advice I got that was most realistic...that you can't do it all. You need to take care of yourself in even the smallest of ways. I feel for you. You still have more stress than I did but I can still relate.

Leah, I am sorry that you're going through this. I don't think that today was a fluke, though. It's the result of taking on too much. From the sound of it, you're pretty much a single mom and sole bread winner. I think you know some ways to ease the stress, but the question is whether or not you can accept something that's not exactly what you planned (such as finishing school by a certain date and making more money from a career that traditionally pays less than it deserves).

I'll be honest and say that I'm troubled your therapist didn't keep to the agreed upon time limit. It's doable. People do it. And they survive. If you had the resources, sure, go for it. But money is a big stressor for you, so adding to your therapy costs is like giving alcohol to an addict to help them cope.

I had the opposite problem with an analyst I saw several years ago. I would leave 5-10 minutes early because I didn't like being asked to leave. He said it was his job, not mine, to manage the time. It was the only argument we ever had, but he was right.

I'm sorry if any of this sounds harsh. It's just that I've seen your posts and the many come-aparts over finances and stress/workload. Something has to give, and it's healthier if you decide how to cut back (whether it's school, family responsibilities, therapy, work hours) rather than having it decided for you through a health or other crisis. Right now, nothing you've described sounds sustainable.

There are options. You need some rest and time to see them.

[stopdog]

You may simply be taking on too much at one time.

[blur]

leah, you have so much on your plate. it sounds like what you want to do is work less and *waves magic wand* i hereby give you permission to work a lot less hours. seriously, i think if you can cut somewhere (e.g. fewer work hours, go p/t for school) and get more sleep and R&R then you will feel less stressed. it sounds like rather than cutting things in your schedule right now you may be cutting sleep hours and that isn't sustainable. when i do that of course i drink lots of caffeine too which doesn't help my nerves. it does sound like it was just a bad day and tomorrow will most likely be better but that changes are also necessary for your health and stress level in the long run. take care of yourself. you are worth it.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by blur

leah, you have so much on your plate. it sounds like what you want to do is work less and *waves magic wand* i hereby give you permission to work a lot less hours. seriously, i think if you can cut somewhere (e.g. fewer work hours, go p/t for school) and get more sleep and R&R then you will feel less stressed. it sounds like rather than cutting things in your schedule right now you may be cutting sleep hours and that isn't sustainable. when i do that of course i drink lots of caffeine too which doesn't help my nerves. it does sound like it was just a bad day and tomorrow will most likely be better but that changes are also necessary for your health and stress level in the long run. take care of yourself. you are worth it.

There's no part-time alternative for school, it's either take a class each month or no class.... and if I skip one, it's not offered again for another year. I've finished 14 of these classes, 8 more to go. I've had many delays already on this path and want to see this through: I did take two months off in the last several to help me cope, so I have been mindful, but at this point, taking more off would mean serious delays.

If I work less hours, I lose the overtime pay I depend on. I'm working toward my degree as it will enable me to take a better paying job- though I may face a pay cut, I'm planning to at least only work 40 hours a week, which will be a huge improvement. Dealing with the financial reality of that is stressful too though, and I'm trying to make heads of it now, prepare and position myself well for the transition, I'm just short on time for that too.

My therapy budget is fine (someone else mentioned that) - I just had an extra long session today but have adjusted for it, so that part's okay.

I do agree something needs to give.

I *think* what I need is to shorten my days.

I just struggle with getting to bed at a decent hour, but then I have the cycle of being less able to be efficient and concentrate the next day.

I was managing this schedule until major cutbacks at work and the independent study snafu.

Something does have to give. I need to figure that out. I will be rereading all the feedback here, need to process everything.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by licketysplit

Leah, I am sorry that you're going through this. I don't think that today was a fluke, though. It's the result of taking on too much. From the sound of it, you're pretty much a single mom and sole bread winner. I think you know some ways to ease the stress, but the question is whether or not you can accept something that's not exactly what you planned (such as finishing school by a certain date and making more money from a career that traditionally pays less than it deserves).

I'll be honest and say that I'm troubled your therapist didn't keep to the agreed upon time limit. It's doable. People do it. And they survive. If you had the resources, sure, go for it. But money is a big stressor for you, so adding to your therapy costs is like giving alcohol to an addict to help them cope.

I had the opposite problem with an analyst I saw several years ago. I would leave 5-10 minutes early because I didn't like being asked to leave. He said it was his job, not mine, to manage the time. It was the only argument we ever had, but he was right.

I'm sorry if any of this sounds harsh. It's just that I've seen your posts and the many come-aparts over finances and stress/workload. Something has to give, and it's healthier if you decide how to cut back (whether it's school, family responsibilities, therapy, work hours) rather than having it decided for you through a health or other crisis. Right now, nothing you've described sounds sustainable.

There are options. You need some rest and time to see them.

No, today was a fluke in terms of managing my daughter's behavior. I've been working really hard with her, and we haven't had such a bad morning in a very very long time.

I'm already in crisis- this is as bad as it gets for me. I function pretty well so feeling depressed and crying all day is bottom. I don't use substances of any sort, I don't need any meds, no self-harm, etc. etc. I don't do much except waste some time in therapy, ha, that's my vice. However, I've cancelled another session to mitigate the cost and made adjustments. So, this one time change should be alright. I do worry about the time, but I haven't had a day this painful in months, so I see it as an exception.

So, I do need a break. That's for sure- I need more free time, and I'm puzzling over how to get it. Part of it is simply going to bed earlier. Sounds easy, even to me, seems hard. I'm going to try to get to bed @ 9 tonight, just blow things off, and start sticking to a bedtime, ha, as if I too were a kid, because with the nighttime issues here, 5+ hours just isn't cutting it for me.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

Haha. Yeah I remember getting into this screaming match with my kid, totally losing my cool but trying to stick with explosive child book verbiage yelling something like "I can see that this is hard for you, and I am TRYING to compromise with you which means you HAVE TO stop being so difficult and give a little here!" Needless to say it didn't go swimmingly.

I like that the author gives you "permission" to forgo things like baths and hair brushing or whatever causes major contention for a little while just to keep the peace in your household. I stopped trying to get my son to eat things other than pasta and chips and he just lived on that three meals a day for a couple of months. Every now and again he'd have apple slices with peanut butter too.

Yes, I really really like how pragmatic the author is. I find that so helpful, especially as someone overcoming perfectionistic tendencies, ha. The trouble is- and I don't know if you have it (?) - that if I lose sight of these things for a moment, then it's like... losing sight of a missile headed for my house- if I get distracted, then it's alllll over for a while, simply because I thought her hair looked too neglected to send her to school as it was this morning, sigh.

[growlycat]

Just a small thing, but maybe one less aggravation?

Is your daughter old enough to brush her own hair? Or, she can brush it first and if she does a good job, tell her you won't need to touch it. That way it is her responsibility, and up to her whether you get involved or not.

There is always spray in detangler! http://www.amazon.com/Suave-Double-D...dp/B0002FCDHQ#

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by growlycat

Just a small thing, but maybe one less aggravation?

Is your daughter old enough to brush her own hair? Or, she can brush it first and if she does a good job, tell her you won't need to touch it. That way it is her responsibility, and up to her whether you get involved or not.

There is always spray in detangler! Amazon.com : Suave For Kids Double Dutch Apple Detangler Spray Conditioner 10.5Ounces : Standard Hair Conditioners : Beauty

Thanks so much, I do appreciate the practical stuff.

Unfortunately, yes, I've tried this, and she's not really able to brush her long hair yet well. I think we're going to get it cut back to shoulder length so it's more manageable. And we do use detangling spray, apple scented, sigh. I got her in the bath tonight, tons of conditioner, and then detangled it gently by hand, so tomorrow should be a bit better, but I've managed to displace all four of my family's hairbrushes, ha, so have to find one for the am. These are the stupid things that happen being so busy. Ugh.

[Leah123]

Originally Posted by Lauliza

I don't think you're doing anything wrong, other than maybe expecting too much from yourself. I've been in similar situation - worked 32 hours a week, was separated, taking classes, have 3 kids (one with ASD and what looked like ODD at the time), bad finances and no help. It was awful. I had to change something, one thing being my course of study. You shouldn't give up your dreams but is there any way to compromise? Like school part time? That was the therapeutic advice I got that was most realistic...that you can't do it all. You need to take care of yourself in even the smallest of ways. I feel for you. You still have more stress than I did but I can still relate.

Thank you, yes, it definitely sounds like you know what this is like.

The thing that sucks is my T and I were focusing *hard* on me letting go of things, not taking on too much. I took a TON off my plate to enable me to do college, and then I started leaning more on my husband and in-laws for help and giving myself permission to not be everywhere, all the time, to take some me time, to prioritize.

I was really happy with my success

But then, they cut 6 of my 14 person team at work and increased the workload.

After that, all my classes at school changed.

So... right when I thought I'd be doing really well, things got worse.

I do need to rebalance. I must rebalance.

Today I was literally thinking- the only free time I have to cut is using these boards, sigh, like... if I wasn't on psychcentral, I'd have a little more time, how awful is that.

Working from home though and dealing with a lot, I value my interactions here. Sigh.

I will reread all the posts here and keep trying to figure it out. Sleep will help, I'm sure. I'd like to see how I feel if I could even just get one week of good sleep, like 7 hours a night instead of 5. That's a good goal for me right now.

[sweepy62]

Leah I'm concerned you are going to burn out, or have some sort of breakdown . It's not healthy. I'm sleep deprived also, I'm on the depressive side right now, I haven't been depressed in a long time.

What good is it if you get overwhelmed and sick and then, can't accomplish anything . Please take care of yourself .

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk