*****warning ***** This isn't a thread for others to dump their stuff and prejudices. I'm wanting genuine contributions.

Right, T suggested some years back she could send me a card when she's away to help me with staying connected.

A couple of times over the past years she's not sent one (later became photo by email not card) and I've felt so hurt.
Alas I spend the break enticipating the communication from her. To me it means she's remembered me, I'm not so abandoned.
On the times she forgot I've gone back to session after the break playing hard to get. Unable to tell her how hurt I feel and how stupid for putting so much into wanting her correspondence.
Eventually I've spat it out, she apologises saying she simply forgot.
I've by my actions told her how much I need her not to forget. I've said in the past that I wish she had discussed it with me before the break if she's decided she doesn't want to do it anymore. She never really answers thst..
So I'm back in this position again.
I'm angry, she knows what this means to me, surely she could say "look I do tend to forget so it would be best to stop altogether", but no., it's like if she remembers I'm lucky, if she doesn't well, I've got to swallow it..
I'm supposed to go back Monday after a 3 week break but I'm actually away next week (she knows this) and I don't know whether to email her telling her how I feel (yet again) and await her apology if I'm lucky or excuse. Don't really want apologies, Or when I come back, not turn up to session, wanting my withdrawal to speak loud.. I dunno

Thoughts??? (not judgements on what's right or wrong)

[granite1]

i think you are hurt and not showing up for session will only hurt you more . show up and let her know

[HazelGirl]

Could you send her this? You have explained really well in this post that you are hurt by her continued inconsistency and what you would like her to do in the future.

Perhaps instead of phrasing in a way where it seems like you are asking for an apology or excuse... You could phrase it so you could get ideas from her on how to deal with this and other disappointments.

You could say you were hurt that she didn't remember to send the card.... And that it has happened in the past and you were upset then too... How should I handle this in future?

Should I change my expectations of you? Should I tell you not to send a card or photos so I will know for sure I won't receive one? What is an emotionally healthy way to handle this? This is a situation that plays out multiple times in friendships and other relationships.

Maybe you could learn how to handle this situation with her and use IRL too.

[ECHOES]

Sorry Mouse. My thoughts about this are to wait for the next face to face session to talk about it with her. I know what you mean about wanting to withdraw and having that 'speak' for your pain, as well as punishing her, hurting her in retaliation. Two for one, hard to resist.

Take on some of 'power' (I don't like cliché words usually, but sometimes they do fit). She has all the power on this set up. If writing while she is away isn't working for you because you risk being very hurt, and have been very hurt, then perhaps a change is needed? Is there another way to hang on to the connection? Is there something else meaningful that she could do that would work for both of you? Let you words say that you are weary of this cycle and you want something to change, because you don't like feeling hurt, by her of all people. It is both present reality when she forgets, and it is core wounds being irritated, triggered. I can relate.

I would also want to know her thoughts. Are her holidays different now that her children are older, for example. Does she think that the relationship now includes a secure connection that can fully withstand a break with no communication? Has the meaning of her letting you know she thinks of you during breaks changed, for her?

Just because it isn't her intention to hurt you doesn't make the pain any less. It's worse, really, because It leaves you hurt *and* having to accept her apologies, in order to move on. Why should you have to do that?!. She gets off pretty easy...

I've sent an email.
If I was returning Monday, I would have held it.
But I'm of to Paris on Monday, don't want that on my mind and spoiling it..
I'm more angry at myself, needing this.
I wish I could just walk away.

[lostin08]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

I've sent an email.
If I was returning Monday, I would have held it.
But I'm of to Paris on Monday, don't want that on my mind and spoiling it..
I'm more angry at myself, needing this.
I wish I could just walk away.

We all go through this over and over be honest with her each time. Could you have her write you a note before she goes each time? That way u have someting in hand.
It fills a need you have nothing wrong with that!

[SnakeCharmer]

In my opinion, and I could be wrong, your therapist is making a mistake by creating an expectation she's unlikely to meet.

To me it sounds like your therapist has good intentions and when she gets deeply involved in her vacation she loses sight of those intentions. I understand this because I am exactly the same way. People want to stay connected to me and I used to say things like I'd send a card and then I wouldn't and people would be hurt. The thing is, I don't ever lose that feeling of connection and if someone sends me a card it doesn't make the connection any deeper. I suppose I project my crap onto other people and expect them to feel connected to me if I'm gone. But they don't and it's led to problems.

So, now, when they ask me to stay in touch when I'm away, I say no. I might do it, but I say to not expect it. That's stopped the problems. People would still like to hear from me, but they're not feeling dashed to bits when they don't because I didn't make a false promise out of good intentions that I wasn't capable of following through on.

The mistake your therapist is making is raising your expectations. I think it's okay to talk to her about that.

Once our expectations get rationally raised -- and it is rational to hope to hear from her when she said she'll send a card -- it's normal for us to feel great frustration and disappointment when our expectation gets dashed.

To me, that's the real problem here ... not that you're demanding too much or overly needful or whatever -- but that she's given you reason to have an expectation and she's not following through. It's almost as if she's failing to show up for an agreed upon appointment because she got too busy.

If I were in your shoes, that's what I'd be talking to her about. Does she realize that she's provided you with a reasonable expectation of hearing from her? When you don't, you experience normal feelings of waiting, longing, disappointment and it's causing you to waste precious emotional energy in a way that's not helpful? And is there a solution the two of you can work on for the future?

[Sabra]

Hey mouse,

I know when I was ***deep in therapy and I planned a trip tp my childhood home, we worked for several sessions brainstorming on different things to keep me grounded and in my right mind....such as it was in those days.

She gave me magic wand that had pretty sparkles in it. It was my transitional object. Of course I had about four of her business cards in different places. The last thing that helped me may sound stupid. She dyed her hair and I asked the brand and number on the dye. I think it was Loreal 6R or something like that. I could go into any drug store or grocery store to see a box of it and just be with it. I hoped I looked like I was searching for something as opposed to try to keep a connection with my therapist.

I think there are lots of little tricks you can find when you or your therapist to are on holiday to keep you connected.

Sabra

[JustShakey]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

I'm more angry at myself, needing this.
I wish I could just walk away.

Oh, do I ever know this feeling

Uh oh.....
She had sent me 2! She thought it strange I didn't acknowledge them....
I said I feel a right c%+& now... She said, no, I wasn't to know she had sent them and my telling her goes towards us sorting it out...

Boy, do I understand this feeling in sooooo many ways!
I want my therapist to remember what she has promised me. I don't want to hear excuses or apologies. I don't want to have to remind her to do something that she promised to do. I have to deal with that in friendships, I don't want to deal with it in my therapeutic relationship!

What has been healing for me, is to have a therapist who is fierce in her determination to keep her commitments to me and most likely her other clients. I'm not saying she hasn't "forgotten" a promise. She has, but it NEVER happens a second time. She is unbelievable about accepting my criticisms of her "failures" in the relationship (not that there has been many), and I can't say that I've ever had someone apologize with the same level of genuineness and honesty as I've received from her. This is one of the greatest things she's taught me in our work together--it's okay to make a mistake, but make sure your apology is genuine and from the heart AND that you don't make the same mistake again. Through her behavior, she has also taught me to take responsibility for my part in any failures/disconnects in our relationship--this was an important lesson for me and one I probably wouldn't have learned if I hadn't had her role model the behavior for me.

I know that she keeps very careful notes of what she has promised me (if it's a book I want to borrow, a show she wants me to watch, a song that I've asked her to listen to and talk to me about, a note for when she was away, a special object from her office that she gives me to "hold onto" when I was particularly vulnerable), she remembers.

I really think you need to have a heart to heart talk with her. Don't skip the session! This is a perfect opportunity to move to the next level in your relationship with her. Let her know that the failures have been hurtful and confusing to you. I hope she ends up sending you the note and giving you the reassurance you need!

Opps, I just posted and now see that you did get a note from her
Glad to see that she didn't fail you!

[RedSun]

Awwwwww, she sent two!
She loves you

[ECHOES]

Have a wonderful time in Paris.

[elliemay]

I would reply, but upon reading my response, I just don't think it came across as genuine enough.

It's resolved now.

Back to T in the morning.
I sent T a quick email whilst I was in Paris. But the lingering fear in my mind is, thst my protesting at what I thought was T's forgetting me will have made her dislike me.
Oh I know, this only my fantasy. But I will tell her this.
I also noticed more then normal whilst away, how I struggle with allowing anyone to do anything for me, ie, taxi drivers, waiters etc. I just feel so dam uncomfortable and feel a strong urge to be pleasing and to please them.
Oi, oi, oi, I know, sounds insane.
Obviously, my mother sent this unconscious message as she had to do things for me before I was able, 'come here, go away, message that leads to living a life of double binds.
Wish I could just be over it.
Heyho.

Today.
Me: were you annoyed that I sent that email?

T: No!, not at all. I'm glad you did. I felt bad that you had been waiting, expecting and it didn't get there.
I Think I will have to sort out another email account to use when I'm away, cloud seems to have these problems at times.

:-)