[Ambra]

I'm having a rough time lately and have no idea why on earth she picked this moment to talk about termination. One month ago I had a very hard session, sort of a breakthrough. I feel worse now. It was liberating but it was the beginning to me, also because I'm having flashbacks and am not sleeping and have temperature etc.

After another 2 sessions I missed one because I was stuck in hospital due to current health issues so I had to wait for another week and it was terrible but I tried to cope and yesterday I finally went to my session. I've been looking quite cheerful lately as I really hate to complain (except on here - sorry folks!) and so I always smile and say "Im good thanks". Also, that is my safe place and even if I would like to cry and get angry there, I feel better and lighter as soon as I step into that office. Then we usually go deeper and my worries come up. Yesterday I couldn't tell her how much I had been struggling so I started with the good things and how I coped and felt really good after eating the other day and she looked really really happy, almost tearing up. And then she goes "so I wanted to talk to you, what about having one session every two weeks and see how it goes?" I said "ok" and since then I didn't understand anything anymore for the whole session. She wanted to sum up our work and how I have changed etc and was making a lot of questions about how I have improved but I was frozen and I just wanted to leave. At the end she said, see you next week and you will tell me if it's ok to distance the sessions, but I see you got upset after I mentioned this". I said "I don't know, it's up to you, I'm just tired and stressed. I am not well, my job is ending in a month and I have to find a new job and house and don't know where to go" etc. And she goes, no it's not up to me, so let's postpone this as I don't want to add on to your worries. Think about it anyway but if you don't feel ready it's ok (I pay her out of pocket so there is no insurance or limited sessions).

I couldn't really talk about anything yesterday. That messed up my long awaited session. I really can't complain so I will say once in 2 weeks is fine. But I just cried about my csa one month ago for the first time in my life and I'm not well. And I feel INCREDIBLY pressured now. I've been grieving since yesterday, I also thought about asking her for a referral but no way I am starting all over again with someone else. She was the perfect match but I have abandonment issues as well as self esteem issues and the irrational inner voice screams "she no longer wants to work with you because you are dirty and disgusting and are taking too long to get better and are a pain in the *** and are too needy!!!"
I wouldn't do it but I feel so rejected and ashamed and such a pain in the *** that I have thought about suicide the whole night.
Rationally I think she was genuine about this, she looked really happy for me. And I didn't want to switch to how bad I feel because I'm always afraid to make the bad things stand out over the good things.. and I don't want to disappoint her.

I wanted to be strong to show my progress to not to be abandoned and so I achieved the opposite. (because IF only I could have some peace without fearing sudden abandonment as soon as I turn around for every second of my life, I would make progress)

I am so desperate that I feel physically ill. Why did I let myself be so vulnerable. I can't make it through this week.
I would like to communicate this to her but I fear it's too late and it will look like I made up things now because I dont want to leave. I know "we have to leave therapy sooner or later", and I was looking forward to it, so that's not the point. But I imagined it would happen under different circumstances, definitely not now.
Sorry for this post. Any advice, should I address it or let it go? Look for someone else, grieve and wait? I don't want to go back to sessions as I see it as a waste of time and money now she wants to terminate, so it wouldn't benefit me anymore. I feel the pressure. But I also can't believe it will go this way. Any advice/opinion is really appreciated. Thanks.

[IndestructibleGirl]

This sounds like hell, I'm so sorry. I have no idea why she got the wrong end of the stick and thought you might be ready, when you have only started on csa stuff.

What is your in between session contact policy? Can you call or email to let her know that really this is not okay?

I'm so sorry this "termination" talk hit you out of the blue, especially after you were so looking forward to the session and an opportunity to reconnect with your therapist. I don't know about you, but when I'm not feeling well, the world and everything else looks so bleak and painful. Perhaps your health issues are contributing to your pain and confusion right now.

I think your therapist truly didn't or hasn't understood how much pain you've been experiencing over trying to deal with your issues. I think a lot of us sometimes think that we're bothersome when we really dig down and tell our therapists how we're REALLY feeling. But our therapists can't read our minds. They can't know what is inside of us unless we tell them. I do think your therapist missed cues from you that you've been stressed. Instead, she took you at your word and thought things were going well. It's her job to at least talk about termination if her client is doing well and need to "go out and spread her wings". You aren't in that place and you spoke here that you need more support, but you didn't tell her in session. She did, however, pick up that you were "tightening" up when she brought the subject up, so on some level she is still connected with you and aware of what might be roiling beneath the surface. It's important that you go back and let her know what you are truly feeling DEEP INSIDE. Don't hold back. She'll actually appreciate your honesty, and it seems that from what you stated, she will happily follow your lead and continue your sessions.

[Ambra]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

This sounds like hell, I'm so sorry. I have no idea why she got the wrong end of the stick and thought you might be ready, when you have only started on csa stuff.

What is your in between session contact policy? Can you call or email to let her know that really this is not okay?

Thanks - that came totally out of the blue. She has known about it for months but I have just started processing it and am having a hard time. I have no idea either..

I am not supposed to contact her between sessions except for scheduling, but I did it twice in distress and she has always replied accurately. The second time was actually last month after that very hard session and she herself told me to call her should anything happen during that week. So really, I felt great about this T. Just lately, I didn't talk about my negative emotions for fear because everything has been difficult to handle. And now this.
Actually I can wait until next week, if I decide to let her know this. But I'm not sure what is the best thing to do. Also because she did ask what happened in these two weeks and how I felt inside, but I say I feel fine.

Thanks for reading that wall of text by the way..!

[Bells129]

A similar thing is happening to me right now. My T is talking about termination or not seeing her as regularly and we've only just started to make progress. I think we need to tell our T's exactly how we feel, being completely honest with them even if it's hard to open up.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by Ambra

Thanks - that came totally out of the blue. She has known about it for months but I have just started processing it and am having a hard time. I have no idea either..

I am not supposed to contact her between sessions except for scheduling, but I did it twice in distress and she has always replied accurately. The second time was actually last month after that very hard session and she herself told me to call her should anything happen during that week. So really, I felt great about this T. Just lately, I didn't talk about my negative emotions for fear because everything has been difficult to handle. And now this.
Actually I can wait until next week, if I decide to let her know this. But I'm not sure what is the best thing to do. Also because she did ask what happened in these two weeks and how I felt inside, but I say I feel fine.

Thanks for reading that wall of text by the way..!

Re the bit in bold - I know you say you can wait until next week, but are you sure you aren't just kind of punishing yourself by making yourself wait and avoiding saying what you need to say?

This T responded to you when you contacted her in times of need before, and you don't abuse the contact. From your OP I get the sense that this was really quite upsetting for you. If it will cause you to be upset for the rest of the week until your next appointment, I think you should call and let her know, rather than stewing all week.

[ombrétwilight]

Maybe you would want to inform her about how you actually are? Sometimes a lot of therapy patients do tend to want to "not let their Ts down", so to speak, and act happier than they really are. It's important that your T knows that you still need her as she will definitely be there for you. You don't have to go through this alone!

I am also terminating in a month (and I haven't seen my T for 2 weeks) as I'm graduating. It sucks because there is no way out of it!

[HazelGirl]

How about telling her what you've posted here? She can't read your mind. She doesn't know that you're so distressed. Why would you just take what she says? You need to be there every week, so fight for yourself and make sure you are there.

[Ambra]

Thank you for the responses, taking it out my chest helped.

Originally Posted by Jaybird57

I'm so sorry this "termination" talk hit you out of the blue, especially after you were so looking forward to the session and an opportunity to reconnect with your therapist. I don't know about you, but when I'm not feeling well, the world and everything else looks so bleak and painful. Perhaps your health issues are contributing to your pain and confusion right now.

I think your therapist truly didn't or hasn't understood how much pain you've been experiencing over trying to deal with your issues. I think a lot of us sometimes think that we're bothersome when we really dig down and tell our therapists how we're REALLY feeling. But our therapists can't read our minds. They can't know what is inside of us unless we tell them. I do think your therapist missed cues from you that you've been stressed. Instead, she took you at your word and thought things were going well. It's her job to at least talk about termination if her client is doing well and need to "go out and spread her wings". You aren't in that place and you spoke here that you need more support, but you didn't tell her in session. She did, however, pick up that you were "tightening" up when she brought the subject up, so on some level she is still connected with you and aware of what might be roiling beneath the surface. It's important that you go back and let her know what you are truly feeling DEEP INSIDE. Don't hold back. She'll actually appreciate your honesty, and it seems that from what you stated, she will happily follow your lead and continue your sessions.

My health is actually bothering me. I am redeveloping the symptoms of when I was little. Skin diseases, temperature and so on and that's also why I can't stay this way.. thank you so much, you reply was really helpful.

Originally Posted by Bells129

A similar thing is happening to me right now. My T is talking about termination or not seeing her as regularly and we've only just started to make progress. I think we need to tell our T's exactly how we feel, being completely honest with them even if it's hard to open up.

I'm sorry this is happening to you as well, I find it really distressing. And opening up is even more difficult.

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Re the bit in bold - I know you say you can wait until next week, but are you sure you aren't just kind of punishing yourself by making yourself wait and avoiding saying what you need to say?

This T responded to you when you contacted her in times of need before, and you don't abuse the contact. From your OP I get the sense that this was really quite upsetting for you. If it will cause you to be upset for the rest of the week until your next appointment, I think you should call and let her know, rather than stewing all week.

On the one hand I would really like to contact her now but I also fear the risk of not getting any reply this time and this would be the very last thing I need right now.. I want to try to get through the next 3-4 days and if I make it, I might take the chance to prepare a letter. Since I am really horrible at talking about feelings and I've gotten worse lately. But this is so embarrassing.

Originally Posted by ombrétwilight

Maybe you would want to inform her about how you actually are? Sometimes a lot of therapy patients do tend to want to "not let their Ts down", so to speak, and act happier than they really are. It's important that your T knows that you still need her as she will definitely be there for you. You don't have to go through this alone!

I am also terminating in a month (and I haven't seen my T for 2 weeks) as I'm graduating. It sucks because there is no way out of it!

Thanks ombrétwilight! I'm sorry. I also struggle to understand these dynamics of never seeing each other again or stopping with sessions and so on. Well I do understand it and the reasons behind. But I struggle to accept them.. btw, you are graduating.. congratulations

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

How about telling her what you've posted here? She can't read your mind. She doesn't know that you're so distressed. Why would you just take what she says? You need to be there every week, so fight for yourself and make sure you are there.

Thanks.

You are all right about her not reading in my mind.
I contributed to it. She asked, what's going on? and again, "Yes, but I want to know what's been going on inside during these 2 weeks" And I said, I'm good thanks! and I wanted to tell her how much I am struggling but I really have no idea how to describe what I have inside. And I didn't want to go there again so I talked about the progress.. now I'm afraid to talk about the bad feelings. But they were already there, they've been there all the time. And since she has always understood me so well, I was wondering if the truth is that I'm fine and she is actually right and I'm just being whiny. But I don't know, I feel so bad that I'm not sure I'm well enough to be so alone. At the same time... I don't know if I'll make it to ask this. I would feel so pressured, like T was silently waiting for a signal to distance the sessions. And I will hate to look whiny.
And again thanks for reading all that..

[lilypup]

I don't get this T. If you are paying her, what does she care if you need more sessions? I would just tell her at the next session that you'd like to stay at once a week and how does she feel about that? You are the customer.

[JaneTennison1]

It doesn't sound like she's terminating at all. She offered every 2 weeks as you seemed to be improving and when she realised the pain that caused she took it back. Seems like she's willing to be there if you ask.

[Ambra]

I think she is a really genuine T and I like her for this. I appreciate that she does care about me feeling well and about letting me go one day, instead of maybe keeping me there if I no longer will need constant therapy, no matter if she won't get paid by me anymore (or less frequently). I want it to be like this too, because it shows it is for me - but it is not the place I am in now.

She was also open to discuss it and take it back. But now she said it I feel that she will be waiting anyway. I can't help feeling pressured to feel better now. Sigh.
I am trying to write down a letter about how I feel.

[SnakeCharmer]

I'm having a rough time lately and have no idea why on earth she picked this moment to talk about termination.... I've been looking quite cheerful lately as I really hate to complain (except on here - sorry folks!) and so I always smile and say "Im good thanks".

I'm sorry you're having feelings of abandonment and surprise about this. But is it really so hard to understand why she's talking about termination? You've been telling her you're okay, smiling, pretending to be strong. Why wouldn't she think you're ready for termination? You stopped working in therapy, acting all happy and okay.

It's time for you to 'fess up and tell your therapist the truth and stop all this bullcrap about how well you're doing.

Be honest. Maybe it'll be hard. But therapy is the place where we can drop our facade of strength and pretending that everything is okay. It's really disrespectful and self-sabotaging to lie to our therapists and then to expect them to read our minds and act according to what we really want. Speaking from personal experience here. It's our job to try to be as honest as we can be ... even when it's hard.

I wish you the best. Please, please, please consider honesty instead of pretending to be okay.

[Irine]

In that letter i hope you list all the issues. When you come to the session - look at the list and tell her, one by one. This makes things easier for people who are insecure and tend to hide things - if everything is arranged already - it easier to start off. The quality of your therapy depends on you as well as on your therapist...now you see it. After you tell all the issues ask her when NOW doesn she thing is the right time for termination( or whatever it is called)

I hope you work it out together.