So tired....already

~~~~~~~~~~~Nevermind~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Nevermind~~~~~~~~~

I'm with you. I have a theory this life is Hell, I'm in Hell already. I don't know what i did to deserve this. I must have been like John Gacy in a prior life!

DelusionDaily, I'm not sure you want to hear this, but I'm going to say it anyway. When you used to post earlier last year, I was frustrated with your dismissal of other's offers of support and care. You'd rage against your therapist (who seemed pretty unsupportive) and your psychiatrist (who you seemed to like but wanted more). Eventually both of them terminated you and you rocked on the edge of the abyss. I remember posting a few times and then giving up, thinking that you weren't able at that time to be insightful and cognizant of your own contribution to the problem. But guess what? YOU TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY PROVED ME WRONG!!!! The pain of their abandonment of you had a profound effect on you. You buckled down, dug deep and found the strength to pull yourself out of the sucking muck that pulled and tormented you psychologically. You have demonstrated an unbelievable ability to SEE yourself and change your thoughts and recognize and stabilize your emotions.

I get it that you are going through a very very difficult time right now. But rejecting the support and expertise of your current therapist isn't the way to go . . . even if you have to reach out and YELL to her that you need her assistance. Perhaps she's thinking that you've got the skills, that they are incorporated into your psyche. But if they aren't, that's okay. Let her know. Tell her in no uncertain terms that this is one of those expected rough patches in one's healing that indicates that you need the same exact support and encouragement you got as a brand new client. You have to let her know very clearly that she isn't hearing how needy you are right now . . . and that neediness isn't wrong. It's simply what you need right now. I hope you're able to see that this too will pass and you will again be on your wonderful path of healing to a better and more rewarding life experience. You deserve it!

Thanks Jaybird57 for the kind words. I know this will pass. It's just really hard right. I feel like I have failed everyone by even thinking of hurting myself. That's probably disproportionate guilt that I'm laying on myself because I had been doing so well. I guess it's progress that I'm not acting on it but thinking it feels pretty bad too.

I'm so glad you read this, DelusionDaily! I was so sad when I saw that you had deleted your posts right before I posted mine. Guess I took too long to write the dang thing Everything I wrote is exactly how I thought. You have made so many gains. It isn't about you feeling like "hurting" yourself right now. That is totally understandable. You're in pain and the skills you have learned seem far away and useless. . . .they aren't but that's how you feel right now. You just need a tune up with your wonderful therapist. She needs to understand that the skills aren't gone, they have just gone underground in response to the new trauma that you are facing. Talk to her. Be frank and open. Once she understands, she will be able to give you the support and encouragement you need right now. I sure know that I slip and stumble often. I've just learned that when that happens I have to yell a little bit louder because my support people think I'm smarter than I am.

Do not give up! You've come to far!

Thanks again. Almost made me cry this time. I know you're right about asking for more support. Of course I'm pulling away emailing T I'm thinking about going monthly , the title "No Worries...I got this". HA! She's in for a surprise! Gonna email her tomorrow and very clearly ask for more support!

Yep, email her and ask her for the support she is open to and willing to give. You know after working with her that she is willing to give it. You just have to let her know and it's there. Sometimes they forget that we struggle and stumble but when we remind them, they come through for us. Let her know. Everything that you have posted about her tells me that she is an awesome therapist and she'll come through for you. You deserve this! You have astounded me with your strength and determination!

Thanks. What u call strength and determination...I call stubborn and bullheadedness. I like yours better those are new POSITIVE words to attribute to myself.

LOL Well, I have to admit that I've been accused of having a bit of teeny tiny bit of "stubbornness and bullheadness" in my own personality. Not a bad thing overall when it comes to learning how to assert ourselves. I think about asking for help and I balk. But like you, I've learned that asking for help isn't the trap that we were originally thought. It's a hard thing to learn, but in the end run, it's unbelievably valuable. Good luck! I get the feeling that your therapist will totally understand and respond.