[trees_are_good]

Hi all,

I posted a bit here a year and a half ago, but can't remember my old username

Anyway, I had to leave my T of 1.5 years when I moved city. Since then I've tried two new Ts. One I couldn't trust, each session I found I could talk to him less and less. So I took a break. Am now trying a new T, but after 3 sessions I've hit exactly the same problem.

The issue, I guess, is what my old T called childhood emotional abuse, but sometimes I can see it as that, sometimes I can't, and it's not something I've ever said to anyone except on forums. I feel like I ought to talk about it in therapy now, I feel like my T is getting frustrated because I refuse to say anything at all about my childhood. Last session I felt really scared, and kind of froze, and kept avoiding questions (about lots of things, not just childhood), and giving really vague answers, and making jokes, and not showing her any of my feelings.

During the session I felt exhausted. Afterwards I felt child-like and vulnerable - I hid under the covers, made hot chocolate and read harry potter. Doing the laundry felt like a massively complex and difficult task, which I had to gently talk myself through.

When new T asks me questions and I freeze, I think it's the same reaction I give to my mum. She (my mum) is quite intrusive, needs to know everything about me and doesn't have much sense of tact or privacy. She's also critical. I guess I've learnt all these defenses to protect myself from that.

In a way it seems way too soon, but my health insurance won't pay for many sessions, and apparently this T is really good but I can't really afford her without the health insurance (though could use savings for a while if it were worthwhile). I'm scared what will happen when it runs out if I've become too dependent on her.

Also, I think I'm really angry with my old T for leaving me (though for the most part I left him, but I wanted to continue with skype/phone sessions and he didn't).

I don't know whether to give up with therapy for a while, or whether to keep trying. I'm really scared about the amount of pain and confusion I'll feel if I do talk to her - when I talked about this stuff with old T I had suicidal thoughts. I'm also really scared about the end of therapy, being left without support.

Should I talk to her, or give up for now? If I do talk to her, how can I do that- it doesn't even really feel possible at the moment.

Hi, trees, and welcome back to PC.

Three sessions is not a lot with a new T. Allow yourself time to learn to trust her. I undrstand that you don't have an unlimited number of sessions but that doesn't mean that it is possible to force trust and openness.

Can you try to tell your T that there are areas you are not yet able to talk about, though you might be able to do so later? Then the pressure will be off, perhaps, and you can focus on those things you can discuss now.

Your reaction after the session is interesting. I wonder if you might write these things down to show your T?

[trees_are_good]

Thanks for the reply Mastadon.

My health insurance only authorises sessions in blocks of six. T says that getting 12 in total is quite common, and she's never had anyone allowed more than 18 sessions. Suddenly that seems really really short.

I told her I wasn't comfortable with talking about my childhood in the first session. She was fine with that, but now it seems she's starting to get frustrated... or maybe I'm just reading that into her words. Maybe I have too much expectations of myself.

[granite1]

things must be so different In the uk. my insurance treats mental illness like any other and will cover as many sessions as needed. my T just needs to send them a review every 6 months. I don't think I could ever trust a T in just 12 sessions .it took me about 3 years to really be able to even say more then just hello. what happens if you cant talk to this T

[trees_are_good]

what happens if you cant talk to this T

I dunno! I could go through the NHS, but that's even worse - long waiting lists and hard to get anything other than a short course of CBT. Don't want to diss the NHS, it's wonderful in many ways, but crap at mental health problems. I'm lucky to have a bit of health insurance through my job.

I could pay out of pocket, but only for a T with very low rates. This one is reputed to be very good, but is one of the most expensive. But maybe I'd be better off with stability than skill...

I want to make this work, I want to heal, but I'm not sure whether pushing myself to open up in this situation would actually help or make things worse.

[ScarletPimpernel]

Here in Southern California, Medi-Cal only covers 8 sessions at a time for adults. I was told 16 was max per year. I didn't know this when I started and was devastated when I found out. But it didn't stop me. My T and I are constantly pushing/fighting the system. We have gotten 56 sessions approved so far. No one even thought it was possible: not my T, crisis line, other providers. Guess I proved them wrong

You might be able to fight your insurance too.

[Victoria'smom]

Please print your original post and hand it to her.