I want to fall apart so badly and yet I want to believe everything will be ok at the same time.
I mentioned earlier that my T has had to reschedule or cancel several times and that is ok, but still hard on me with the mess I have going in my head. I have appts schedule twice a week and I have been having a very hard couple of weeks and had a HORRIBLE weekend two weekends ago. He had to reschedule that Monday for Wednesday and that he would be on vacation on the Friday appointment time. I fell apart at work when he sent the text because I had barely gotten myself through the weekend telling myself I would go on Monday. I did send him a text in response to the change telling him I was about to lose it. He did respond telling me to hang in there and we were setting up an appt to get meds the following week (which is now tomorrow). I did see him on Wednesday and talked about a little bit and got the appt schedule to see this doctor but I didn't know details.
I wasn't worried about the details because I had my regular appt on Monday and figured I would find out then. Monday afternoon he text and had to reschedule for Wednesday. Again, I want him to feel able to make changes where needed but it does still hurt. I sent him a text back asking about how to get to the doctor. It is in a small town I don't know anything about and he gave me a couple of places it was around and said he was going to send me the address when he got back to the office (I assumed today since the appointment is tomorrow morning). I never heard from him.
Of course many of you know where my mind is now. This isn't the first time he was going to text me info and didn't. The difference in this and the appointment changes is that this CONFIRMS that he doesn't give me a single thought outside of our appointment time or he would have had an 'auh ha' moment that would have reminded him to send me the info if he did. It is just hard to wish I mattered and to be getting so dependent on him and know that I don't matter at all. He has said he 'cares' before when I said that it is hard to not have anyone care, but that was in the first few appointments and of course you do truly 'care' about someone after just meeting them. So I have known that was theraputic kindness or whatever you want to call it. I guess I was just hoping maybe now there would be some level of care.
I have no intention of changing things or even mentioning this, outside of figuring out how to get to the appointment tomorrow (I have googled the landmarks and figure I will go around what he said and see if I can watch for his car as he said he transports some of his clients there... I am guessing ones that can't drive since that wasn't an offer to me and he is transporting from the town I live in to the town the clinic is in).

Sorry all, I just have to have a pitty party. There is nothing like getting confirmations so many of us test for. I want so bad for things to be different and I think I was hoping this might be the time. I can't just 'find another T' as some will say. He was the only person I have ever felt I could trust and have already told things to that I NEVER plan to say again.

If I ever found out he read these and heard how I felt, I don't think I could ever step foot inside his office again.

[unaluna]

I kinda know what you mean. After seeing my t for a few years, i told him to feel free to reschedule me if he had an emergency or whatever. The first time he did, or was it the second? - the deal was off! I felt horrible. and i was the one who thought i could handle it. I just could not. I know it doesnt MEAN anything - it just stirs up old feelings blah blah blah - but those old feelings are horrible and powerful. Like rebreaking an old bone break. Not that i ever broke a bone. But ykwim!

Yes Hankster, and I was having a hard enough time with the rescheduling but I knew I was the one that initiated the freedom for him and so I kept telling myself it was my choice.
Now having him forget me all together in regard to even telling me how to get to the doctor tomorrow to meet him is almost more then I can handle. Just knowing I never even crossed his mind when he had to be getting things ready to take the other people to this appointment and he never thought of me once. That has taken this to an entirely different level. Even with it, I know I can't change anything..... I need the slightest hope regardless of how much each let down hurts I guess.

[nottrustin]

I find that if my therapist has to cancel at the last minute I have a really hard time. I only see her once a week and sometimes I count down the days to when I see her again. Even if I am in a good space I have a hard time. It is because I have to prepare myself in my mind for our session so for her to cancel is a hard as in my mind I am ready.

I am so sorry you're hurting.

[Petra5ed]

My therapist has somewhat frequently moved the time around on me when needed, and also very frequently been late, and once or maybe twice all but forgot our appointment entirely. I used to take it personally, but now I've come to realize he's just a bit ADD. Sitting in his office a couple times the other therapists that work there have told me he's often late. He has young kids, and has told me that basically stuff happens. I think it all turned around for me when I accused him of doing it on purpose to hurt me, and he looked genuinely sad that I was feeling that way. Now I take it more in stride. I realize it's the way he works and I kind of enjoy that I can be flexible along with him. I think he also can sense and appreciate I "let" him do that without it really bothering me. But... You really need to talk about it with him. He may alter his behavior, or he may have an explanation that feels better than the suffering you're doing now. I know the honesty is brutally difficult. I wrote this stuff down and read a lot of it. But, you need to learn to take care of #1, and that's YOU, not him. Taking care of you means sticking up for your feelings. Nothing's wrong with your feelings!! So think about it, but I really recommend talking to him about all of this!!

I still know I SHOULD discuss it and he might bring it up himself because of the situation surrounding it. The appointment with the doctor is this morning and I still don't know exactly where I am going. My plan is to go to one of the land marks around where he said the place was and watch for his car to bring the other people and see if I can figure out where they go (again, small town. Chances are high I will see him/them). At that point, he is going to either remember that he never told me how to get there or he wont.

I am not sure which will be worse. If he remembers and says something or simply still doesn't remember me at all. I will avoid any conversation regarding it at that time COMPLETELY as we will be in public and I know I am so close to breaking into tears constantly right now. BUUUUUT, the reschedule appointment from Monday is today at 5, soooooo I don't know what that will look like if he realized he forgot me and says something. I have promised to be honest with him, but I never thought about it having to DO WITH HIM. I don't know if I can be honest with him being the cause of my current pain level. I can't stand for people to be hurt and my number one priority in life is to avoid that happening or having anything to do with causing it.

This is going to be a wild roller coaster ride today and the interaction with the therapist is only one bump in what was already going to be a completely nerve racking week from Monday thru Thursday. I am half way through it though and I am still typing.

Thanks all for being here. I appreciate knowing there are others out there that do understand.

[LilacLime]

I definitely have been forgotten by my therapist before. It's awful. Usually it's when she's says she call me and then she doesn't. I have a lot of issues with rejection and abandonment and every time she does it, it puts more of a strain on our relationship.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this too. Good luck today. I hope your T realizes their blunder.

Thanks Lilac. It is after 10:00 and I have to head out now to make it to this appointment and never got a text about the address. Gonna do the best I can but I am guessing if he hasn't remembered me now, he wont remember he forgot me when I get there. We will see.

[LilacLime]

How did it go? Did he remember?

No, nothing was said. He completely forgot. I have set myself up to have to deal with the fact that I need his help though. I have an appointment tomorrow and forced myself to tell him I needed to have a very hard conversation for me. Not I am obligated to myself to address part of this. I could never and won't bring up the forgetting because that could make him feel bad and that is something I just can't do. I am worried enough about divulging the need. We will see what happens =-O