[PaulaS]

After my last session with my T I felt anger and disappointment about some things she said in therapy. I spent some time after the session and thought more and more about those things which then led to me e-mailing her in a critical way. I just talked about the actual situations that made me feel disappointed, I didn´t call her names or anything like that but now I really regret it and I feel a lot of shame.

I also feel hatred towards myself for acting out in this way as my T besides the things I felt negatively about said nice and kind things and acted in an engaged and interested way towards me.

I made it clear to my T that I perhaps won´t get back into therapy with her and that also makes me feel very ashamed as I´ve told her many positive things and felt very positively about what she's doing for me.

I think that even if she tries to make me come back into therapy I won´t feel I´m at all worthy of another chance and I will also feel so ashamed I won´t be able to talk to her in a normal way after this. I kind of feel that a fair punishment for me doing like this is me losing my chance to further therapy. I really feel like I´m a disgusting person who really doesn´t deserve any kind of help.

I haven´t received an answer to my email yet and I now want to hear if anyone else has been in a similar situation, e-mailing your T in an angry manner and then feeling this way. I'm not looking for the advice to talk to my T about this as it would be completely out of the question at the moment.

[StressedMess]

I think it's very scary to talk with people when I feel they are wrong. At most I bite my tongue and let resentment fester inside me about it.

Don't let it stop you from going back! Having an honest discussion about things you felt were wrong is something to be proud of, not ashamed of. You didn't attack her or call her names, and you should not be feeling hatred at yourself.

You sound a lot like me, afraid to voice an opinion that differs from another's and scared to return to the scene of the crime, so to speak. These are strong reasons for you to go back! You found your voice now don't silence it so soon.

[Bill3]

(((((PaulaS)))))

[HowDoYouFeelMeow?]

Lots of times working through a rupture in one's relationship with his/her/hir T can lead to an even stronger relationship.

[SnakeCharmer]

Paula, my first impulse is to ask if maybe this might represent a pattern in your relationships -- something the other person says or does annoys you, you begin to feel more than annoyed and let them know about it and then you feel awful and ashamed of yourself and not eager to face the other person again?

I ask because several (maybe many over the months) other posters have described very similar experiences with their Ts.

If this is a pattern in your life -- and only you know -- it's a perfect thing to bring up in therapy. Trust me, your therapist will know how to handle it if you say, Look, T, I said those things and then I suffered the agonies of the damned afterward -- so ashamed and disgusted with myself. Help me figure that out! If therapy brings something like that out, it's great. You did great. I know you don't believe that right now, but this could be an important moment of progress.

That's actually one of the things therapy is really good at addressing, as long as you describe the sequence of events to your T, just like you did in your opening post. It's the pattern that counts, not what T said, or you said. The pattern of expressing yourself and then feeling lower than a snake belly afterwards.

This could be a breakthrough moment, Paula. Just be honest and let the therapeutic chips fall where they may. Your T will know how to help.

I wish you the best.

[geis]

No one is all bad or all good, even therapists. You can like some of what a therapist does and not like other things. And therapists are trained to handle criticism. The good ones will sometimes ask for it because they want to find out what works for you instead of just guessing.

[HazelGirl]

The best thing you can do for yourself is go back, even though it's hard and scary and you feel like you don't deserve it. Go back, and see that your T doesn't think that way about you, and she is probably happy that you're willing to provide feedback and help her help you better.

I have done this too. I sent an email telling my T all the things she was doing that weren't working for me, I was really critical, I didn't realsie at the time how critical my email was, I was in an angry and distressed state. It was really hard to go back after that. But I did. The first session after we didn't really talk much about the email, I chose to talk about my distress, she did comment on the email and reflected that what I was saying to her was perhaps how my parents made me feel as a child. She wasn't angry with me at all, she was really quite gentle. I felt that if I didn't go back I would be running away from myself, not her. And running from my anger, I seem to have a lot of anger buried inside me and I think that learning to deal with it in a safe place is really helping me, but it is so hard, I would like to be perfect...

[PaulaS]

Originally Posted by StressedMess

I think it's very scary to talk with people when I feel they are wrong. At most I bite my tongue and let resentment fester inside me about it.

Don't let it stop you from going back! Having an honest discussion about things you felt were wrong is something to be proud of, not ashamed of. You didn't attack her or call her names, and you should not be feeling hatred at yourself.

You sound a lot like me, afraid to voice an opinion that differs from another's and scared to return to the scene of the crime, so to speak. These are strong reasons for you to go back! You found your voice now don't silence it so soon.

Thanks for your answer, it makes me feel a bit better when reading about others with the same problems. At the moment I feel too disappointed to go back and I´m also waiting for my T:s response to my e-mail but I hope there will be a solution.

[PaulaS]

SnakeCharmer: Thanks for your reply. Yes, I´ve kind of felt this being in other relationships too but not in such a strong way. I though feel that often it´s not that much of an idea to bring complaints to the surface as you can´t change the way another person acts. It´s comforting to hear that many others have those experiences with their T:s.

As I in some way think that my T provoked me into these feelings I become even more reluctant to express what I feel. I don´t want to be fooled into certain reactions but that the session is honest and open from both parts.

I feel humiliated if the T now just thinks "oh, what an interesting pattern, how nice P got angry with me". As a client you then just get diminished into some kind of laboratory rabbit.

Thanks for your supportive words, hug back.

[PaulaS]

geis: That´s an interesting point of view that the good therapists sometimes will ask for criticism. I don´t know if that´s a good or bad thing really, spontaniously I think you as a client then become suspicious of the methods the T uses. You won´t know if he/she's honest or if he/she just provokes you into a trap to get reactions from you.

[PaulaS]

Brown Owl: Nice hearing that you got back into therapy and could work things out. Me personally would react to my T being gentle in a situation when I´ve criticised her. I wouldn´t think that´s an honest response but just a way to "get me to talk again". I don´t say that was the way things happened in your case but I wouldn´t take such a reply from my T seriously.

Perhaps it´s not suitable for the T to give a lot of criticisms back but a too kind and gentle manner would just make me feel even more stupid and trapped into some kind of "game-playing".

[jexa]

I've never sent an email, but I've said it out loud. It was hard to tell her and I think it made my tone harsh and made me sound angrier than I was.

I agree that the best thing for yourself would be to go back and face your T and work it out. It will be good for both of you. Show up to your session with an intention of open sharing if you can, so you can talk about what made you send the email and how you've been feeling about sending it.

[stopdog]

There is nothing wrong with criticizing a therapist in my opinion. They often need criticizing.

[missbella]

I think we're not doing our jobs if we DON'T tell a therapist if they're hurtful, neglecting or just plain wrong.

It can be extremely difficult to criticize if we view a therapist as the stronger person who'll guide us out of our quagmires. It's also difficult if our relationship has been a harmonious honeymoon with never a cross word spoken. Bad case, it's tough if the therapist has a disapproving, stern or bullying streak. Worst of all, it's difficult is we sense a therapist incapable of dealing with our criticism.

It's upsetting because we know we're affecting a power balance. We're taking more control. It's difficult because often we can't know the outcome.

A good therapist will take respectful, or maybe even disrespectful criticism gracefully, responsively and will stopthe offending behavior. If the transaction goes poorly, we've just learned some important things about a therapist, and the news isn't good.