[Cleo6]

Hi I hope this is ok. In t last week she told me how well I'm doing although in fact I'm not really but I hide it all as I don't know how to say all this out loud as I go silent then panic inside and change subject. She always says this at the end so I don't say anything as before she had a go at me for leaving things to the last minute. She then said about going every 3 weeks rather than fortnightly as I'm doing well if I want to. Luckily I managed to say I wanted to stay as it is because I struggle enough in between, another week would be so hard, but didn't tell her that. I told her though that's because I've managed to avoid talking about the hard stuff and maybe I should start. Just saying that made my voice go wobbly and I could feel my heart rate go up. She said ok and something about prepare for it or something like that I'm not sure. As I don't know how much I will actually be able to say out loud I thought if I write notes of stuff I can hand it to her if I'm struggling as she has said when I told her about some writing I've done about my mum I should of brought it in to show her before ripping it up. I've typed the stuff I've written but I'm not sure if it's too much detail and I also worry what she will think of I give her this when she thinks I'm doing well

Age 5 my grandad use to say it should of been me rather than my brother with cancer as boys are more important I'm families. He use to touch me saying I needed to be punished

Age 8 there was a dad at the hospital who use to tale me back to his home telling me he loved me

Age 11 started making myself sick. Only lasted couple of months

Age 12 started self harming, still do it

Age 14 regularly trying to overdose and drinking, went on til I was about 18

Do you think t would be OK with all of this or is it too much. Feeling sick at the thought of someone in real life knowing. I've not told her any of the above

[mostlylurking]

This is absolutely the kind of stuff people bring up in therapy. I'm glad you're thinking of opening up about some of this. Writing it down on notes is a good idea if you have trouble saying things out loud. Also, I have told my T things while my voice wobbled, tears were coming out and my heart rate was extremely high, but I did get them out and it was a good thing. Many times (not always), once I had talked about something once, I could refer to it later without so much trouble.

Your T will be able to handle it, and I suspect will be relieved that you are telling her these things rather than keeping them inside. Those don't sound like easy things to get past... I think you could use your T's help and that's exactly what she's there for.

[Cleo6]

Thank you for your reply. I've put the bit of paper into a small pocket in my handbag. Not seeing her til next Friday. Feel sick thinking about it. I'm just worried she won't believe me or will judge me. I've been seeing her fortnightly for virtually a year now and I really like her I don't want her to think I'm gross or bad

[Demunie]

Hi Cleo,

Just trust your feelings. Give her the paper if you feel like sharing.
I'm certain she won't judge you. She will believe you. She won't think you're gross or bad. Why should she? It's not your fault. You haven't done anything wrong, even if it might feel like it

[Cleo6]

I just know I need to tell her it stresses me out so much every time I want out and haven't told her. I'm just so scared

[mostlylurking]

I think it's very common, and also a bit heart-breaking, that people who have been abused feel ashamed as if they were in some way at fault for the abuse, though of course they were not. Your T will understand this and will help you to see that it is in no way your fault and you are not gross or bad or anything like that.

I'm sorry you have this hanging over your head... do you have out of session contact with your T? Maybe you could email her that you need to tell her some things on Friday and you're afraid she will judge you or disbelieve you. I think she could reassure you that that's not going to happen.

[SoupDragon]

I'm sorry you experienced those things and know how hard it can be to bring things up with T. In my experience, taking the risk and sharing some things with my T, has been really helpful. Go at the pace you feel.comfortable with. I'm sure your T won't judge you, but will more likely be pleased that you have shared things.

[Cleo6]

Thank you for your replies. The only contact outside of sessions is about scheduling but at least I've told her there's stuff I haven't told her and maybe I should start so I'm hoping she's gonna remember and help to start the conversation as that's what I need as I can't find a way of just saying it. Before the meeting I'm gonna put the note in my pocket as hopefully then I'll give it to her. She's been good at the other stuff I've told her so hopefully she will be the same for this. I just don't like the way she sits staring at me and I don't want to cry in front of her and her just sitting there will just be another reminder from the past when no one was there

[Cleo6]

Keep feeling really on edge and sick. I've still got the letter and I'm seeing her on Friday and really want to give it to her but feeling really scared about her reaction. Not sleeping well and keep waking up all the time panicking. I'm scared I'm telling her too much but I also really need to tell her

[mostlylurking]

I'm not sure you can really tell a T "too much," as their job is to help us deal with all our issues and past traumas, big or small. Does it help to tease apart what exactly you're afraid of? If you're worried she will think you're gross or disgusting, that concern is coming from the trauma itself and the way it's made you feel all this time... but she's not going to feel that way. She might be disgusted at your grandfather, for instance, but that's totally separate from caring about you. Are you worried about surprising her, when she thought things were fine? I think that instead, she would just think "Oh wow, I'm really glad she's letting me in now, and sharing these things."

I'm sorry you're suffering so much with this!

[Cleo6]

Thank you. There's just so much going round in my head about letting her know. I don't want it to affect how we are I don't want her to think I'm gross or it having a bad thing on our relationship. I don't want her to think that I'm just telling her this cos she thinks I'm doing better and after attention. I'm scared of crying in front of her as if she just sits there and stares then it's gonna be like when I was a kid and was ignored or shouted at for being upset. I've not told anyone in real life about most of this but I really want her to know I'm scared of how she will react. I just keep feeling really bad, I can't sleep and just want to keep crying but gotta be happy for work and my kids. I can't tell her this though as the letter already feels to much and I'm scared of what she's gonna say and how she responds

[mostlylurking]

What if you wrote down your last post in a short note, and gave her that before you give her the main letter?

I have noticed that people often worry they will overwhelm their therapists. But I can't recall anyone reporting that their T actually was overwhelmed in a session. Sometimes T's get burned out, but that's a longer process involving all their clients, it's not because of any one client's stuff. So, my theory is, this stuff feels absolutely overwhelming to us and so we feel like we're going to be giving too much to our T's and they won't be able to handle it. It's a misplaced fear I think... they're in the business of handling this kind of material. She'll be okay with whatever you throw at her on Friday. If it changes anything I'd imagine you'd have a deepening of your relationship and a new level of acceptance that you would feel from her.

I also think it's okay to ask them to change their style a bit. If you say "When you do the blank slate / stuffed owl thing while I'm crying I just feel ignored like when I was a kid," she might be able to adjust. I think that's fair, because they do work toward building a rapport with each client and their demeanor can be part of that.

[Cleo6]

Thank you I think I'm feeling like its to much for me to tell her in one go rather than to much for her. She has said I can tell her anything but anything feels just to much for me. I don't know I'm just rubbish at talking about the hard stuff I'm scared. She's not a blank slate I know quite a bit about her. I just don't know how she reacts to someone crying and I really like her. When I think about crying in there I can imagine her sitting next to me comforting me no it feels so nice but then I think that the chances are she will just sit there and she will just be like the rest of them from the past and it really hurts

[mostlylurking]

I see what you mean. I think other people here have given a letter or sent an email to their T containing this kind of information, but then have taken their time in actually being able to talk about it in session. It's not like once she's read the letter you have to talk about all of that. She might help you to find a place where you could begin, and you could go slowly. But I think, given how much anxiety this is causing you, it should bring you some relief to have gotten the letter out of your hands.

Maybe instead of addressing the contents of the letter, after she reads it you could talk to her about your fears about crying in session. A lot of very caring T's do not make a big deal out of a client crying, which is no reflection on how much they care or how well they're listening or empathizing... it's just that they don't want the client to think it's a big deal, and it hardly fazes them because they see a lot of tears in their daily work. So if it would upset you if she was undemonstrative, it would be good to let her know in advance I think.

[Cleo6]

I don't know all I keep thinking is how to keep it together til fri and pass her over that letter. I told her about a thing I wrote about my mum and then I ripped it up and she said I should of given it to her to read then I could rip it up there so I'm gonna let her read it then I can rip it up and that will hopefully help with my anxiety as I can focus on that and then I don't know what to do after that I guess it depends on her reaction