[Tongalee]

My therapist is truly great. I feel very safe and connected with her when we are together, though in the interim between sessions and just as I see her each time I feel very frightened of her. She is working diligently and patiently with me to help me come to a place in my life where I can live in peace with myself and happiness with others and I respect her for her efforts.

I recently asked her to write me a letter that I could hold onto and read when times were difficult for me. I tossed and turned over asking her, and then again once I had wondering whether having such a letter would promote an unhealthy attachment to her in a space where I'm working to attach to myself. Admittedly I see any attachment/connection to her as inappropriate and have worked hard to tame my own feelings toward her.

Anyhow, she wrote me a letter and planned to bring it to the following session which was last night. I read and read and read about what therapeutic notes consisted of to gain some insight of what this note would look like. I was prepared to receive a letter that had a certain arrangement, a certain voice to it, and with specific things added while others left out. I knew exactly what this note would look like.

I got the note. And it was exactly what I had thought it would be; following instruction of a therapeutic letter almost to a t, it was a perfect example of a letter given to a client from their therapist. I read it and was both relieved and heartbroken.

I don't know why I'm feeling this way. I should be grateful and I am, wholly. However, another side of me is sad reading the note and knowing that it was formulated and strategized. I don't know, perhaps I'm making too much of it. Do you think I should talk to my therapist about it, or just let it go to the wayside?

[nicoleflynn]

I think you should talk to her about it...feelings aren't right or wrong, they simply are.

[Tongalee]

Wrong, perhaps not, but unimportant maybe. I don't want to bother her with this and make her feel like her effort was wasted

[Petra5ed]

You're feeling that way because the letter makes it clear she's your therapist, not your mother or a friend or whoever we may prefer they be. She wrote the letter clearly from the perspective of a therapist (and a good one) which is good... but it still sucks in comparison to what you might want her to be for you.

I get it. I hate that my therapist is my therapist. He would be a great family member, spouse preferably, or even friend. Are real people ever so nice? Not in my life. I'm feeling very depressed because of it.

[peaches100]

Hi Tongalee,

I'm sorry that the letter felt strategized to you. But just because a t might use a certain patten in how they formulate their letter, it doesn't necessarily mean that what your t wrote wasn't honestly geared toward you as an individual. Maybe I can give an example.

Many of us have heard that if we want to give somebody constructive criticism, it's best to praise them first, then tactfully give the criticism, then follow it up with more encouragement. By doing it this way, it's easier for the person to take in the message without feeling defensive. For example, "Hey Ron, I really appreciate having you as a friend. But please call first before you just drop by. Sometimes I'm in the middle of something. If I know you are coming, I can set aside the time to spend with you and give you my full attention."

The above dialogue follows a strategy. But the words are still honest and geared toward the person. Following a strategy isn't necessarily a bad thing. By doing this, many people would actually consider it as having good communication skills. It's different than a "form letter" that would say exactly the same thing to every person who got it.

Look back through the letter your t wrote to you. Is it written strategically, but geared toward you as an individual? Or it is truly like a "form letter?" I see this as two separate things.

[Tongalee]

Hi peaches,

No it is absolutely not a form letter, and is well written to personalize it to me. I completely understand the necessity of the strategy behind the structure of the letter and agree with you that it is honest, pure, and for me. As I said, my therapist did and continues to do a wonderful job. This is precisely where my confusion congress into play. Why, if I know these, am I feeling disappointed? What was I going that the letter would fulfill? Was there something I wished would have been in the letter that was missing? I'm not sure, and that's my problem.

Perhaps it's not comforting words from the therapist that you truly want?
I'm adopted, been divided about whether I want to look for a sister I found I have.... When I mentioned this to T... I then added.... It's not my sister I'm truly looking for is it?... T nodded, no.....

[Tongalee]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

You're feeling that way because the letter makes it clear she's your therapist, not your mother or a friend or whoever we may prefer they be. She wrote the letter clearly from the perspective of a therapist (and a good one) which is good... but it still sucks in comparison to what you might want her to be for you.

I get it. I hate that my therapist is my therapist. He would be a great family member, spouse preferably, or even friend. Are real people ever so nice? Not in my life. I'm feeling very depressed because of it.

I'm not sure this is spot on either. I truly don't have any interest in her continued presence in my life after therapy. I do think that I struggle with some mild maternal transference, but have worked hard on making that concept something I keep at the forefront of my mind so I know when it comes up. I don't know though, maybe you're right. I really dread the idea of talking about this with her.

[Tongalee]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Perhaps it's not comforting words from the therapist that you truly want?
I'm adopted, been divided about whether I want to look for a sister I found I have.... When I mentioned this to T... I then added.... It's not my sister I'm truly looking for is it?... T nodded, no.....

Could you tell me more about this?

Well, I'm looking for something that's been missing a long time.... The moment of oneness a baby and mother should have.... The secure comfort....

[Tongalee]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Well, I'm looking for something that's been missing a long time.... The moment of oneness a baby and mother should have.... The secure comfort....

And how do you work on getting that fulfilled, or is it simply the understanding that is in progress?

You Mourn not getting it, which brings you out of that black hole of the past thst can't be filled.... Into the here and now where you can use what is available....

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Tongalee

And how do you work on getting that fulfilled, or is it simply the understanding that is in progress?

My T is trained in somatic experiencing, which uses touch to regulate a client's nervous system. When she holds my hand, I feel immediate calm and safe, like mother and baby. She takes her hand away slowly, and asks what I feel. The goal is for me to feel those same feelings inside of me. It's a slow process but I think it is working.

[Tongalee]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

My T is trained in somatic experiencing, which uses touch to regulate a client's nervous system. When she holds my hand, I feel immediate calm and safe, like mother and baby. She takes her hand away slowly, and asks what I feel. The goal is for me to feel those same feelings inside of me. It's a slow process but I think it is working.

Oh wow! I've not really hard much about somatic experiencing. I'm not sure how I would react to such stimulation. I feel like I would be a ball of nerves and would probably dissociate myself right out of that room.

Are you finding it to be helpful?

Maybe in bad times the letter may help alot

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

I think you should talk to her about it...feelings aren't right or wrong, they simply are.

I love this statement.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Tongalee

Oh wow! I've not really hard much about somatic experiencing. I'm not sure how I would react to such stimulation. I feel like I would be a ball of nerves and would probably dissociate myself right out of that room.

Are you finding it to be helpful?

I never thought I'd feel relaxed enough with a T to allow her to touch me, even though I used to fantasize about Ts holding me. My current T initiated it by offering hugs and asking if a child part( I don't have DID, I just mean a young, needy part of me) wanted to hold her hand. Her touch felt so safe and soothing, that it became part of my therapy.

Yes, it helps me feel calm and safe. I don't remember feeling that way with my mother. I think she was too anxious. I know that not many Ts do SE, and there are other ways to feel that bond with your T. I would tell her how her letter made you feel. It is definitely "grist for the mill," as the saying goes.