Why therapists don't respond...?

I think it's true that Ts aren't busier than other professionals. It's reasonable to expect that emails be responded to in a certain timeframe during office hours. I think the issue is when Ts let that contact extend into their personal time. If all their clients were emailing and expected responses, a T busy with family and other responsibilities wouldn't be able to really read and respond to them all. If they do, they're taking time away from their loved ones and personal life. Some Ts do seem to have little understanding of the emotional weight some emails carry.

Here's an interesting article I came across a while ago.

I Love These Emails, or Do I? The Use of Emails in Psychotherapy and Counseling, by Ofer Zur, Ph.D.

Might shed some light on a t's perspective of email contact between t and client

I don't think that they should respond at all hours of the day or anything like that. But its a real problem when T's don't explain what those boundaries look like from the start. It is part of being consistent.

I think many well-intentioned, but not very astute, Ts get caught between competing intentions: to be available, nurturing, rescuing perhaps vs really understanding analytically the psychological impact of how such contact functions. Also younger Ts have grown up with the technology of living life via text/e-mail, and perhaps underestimate the burden that such contact can become.

E-mail just wasn't so in use when I was in therapy. I don't know if my T even had an account. He encouraged me to call any time, and he had an answering service to take the calls. During acute crisis times, he encouraged me to call him directly. He always returned my infrequent calls, often within the hour. When I called the service I always made it clear whether I needed to hear from him ASAP, or at his convenience about a scheduling change.

I wrote a lot in the first 2 years and brought the writing to session for him to read.

But... I wonder.... is part of it about containment? Like, by not interacting outside of the session, it makes it easier (?) to contain all the emotional stuff in the session itself, so it doesn't spill into the rest of your life?

This is a pretty mainstream analytic viewpoint.

I wish she had an email address that she would give to me.

I get the impression from the OP that email is allowed, but they don't always reply to said email? If this is the case; my T (who usually always replies) has "ignored" responding to a heavy email before (twice actually) - once because she said she didn't know how to respond to it (it would have required that she lie to me) and then the other time because she felt that she couldn't right a response worthy enough to equate to the intensity of the message i'd sent and she needed to speak on it in person. Those are just two other reason you can add to the list of possibilities on why they choose not to always respond.

Thank you for posting a link to that article, Thing. I've been searching for a new therapist the past several weeks and have noticed that they have electronic/email/social media policies that limit emails to appointment setting and cancellations only. They state that it's for confidentiality (same with social media). I think this is only partly true. The rest is what's in that article--a reluctance to get into the email quagmire and use up more of their time, plus end up hurting clients who expect more of a response.

I wish they would just be honest about it and say that clients are only paying for 50 minutes of time. Period. The last one I saw invited contact between sessions, which surprised me. I seldom used that option, but it was nice not to have a rule thrown at my face. It's possible that some clients will be exhausting and demand a lot of attention, but I think many more are reasonable and respectful.

That's a lot of money. Therapists usually charge about$150 a week. I would almost say that's ridiculous. Are u sure ure not getting ripped off? I pay my pdoc $350 for a consultation appt. unless it's A 5 hour session that's ridiculous.

If you pay that much for a masters level T then I think you should get more for your money too - that is crazy money.

A 40 minute appointment for meds and therapy with my pdoc is $265, which is a little below average where I live. The rates I've seen tend to be dictated by their license and what insurance companies will reimburse. So if you see an MD or Doctorate level T, then what your paying is to be expected.

But for a social worker, counselor and even a psych nurse anything more than $175 or so (out of pocket no less) is egregious in my opinion. So if that's the case I don't think it's asking a lot to expect responses to your emails. I would just ask your T to be more consistent with their practices so you're never left hanging.

Depletion - re: The campaign, thanks . I'd honestly just be happy for Ts that discussed this stuff upfront as part of their intake, so at least we'd know what to expect. (Oops, which I think is what you say further down! Thanks!)

Stopdog - I guess we disagree. I am trying to reply to everyone on the thread individually (because I don't want anyone to feel ignored, overlooked, or like their contribution isn't appreciated) and it's already starting to tire me out. I was fine doing it last night, but this morning I'm depressed trying to get out to an appointment, and just struggling. I can see how this could happen to a therapist, especially if they have 20-40 people sending potentially long emails (I'm wordy) about very emotional content. I'm not sure that other professionals would be in the same position.

Lauliza - right, I don't think other professions are necessarily busier - it's that I can see how hard it would be to have a flood of long, emotional, critical emails all demanding well-thought, clear, caring responses that didn't trigger other things. Especially if your normal workday doesn't include time scheduled for doing that sort of thing.

ThingWithFeathers - Thanks, interesting article!

FeralKittyMom - "I think many well-intentioned, but not very astute, Ts get caught between competing intentions: to be available, nurturing, rescuing perhaps vs really understanding analytically the psychological impact of how such contact functions."

That makes alot of sense to me. But it also sort of sucks... because some Ts give off this vibe of, "I'm there for you, you can depend on me, you can contact me with problems, you can email me..." and then by not responding, they basically show that none of that is true. (OK, that may be a BIG leap, but you know what I mean?) I'd rather it just be clear from the beginning.

MrPink182 - I'm sorry that you don't have an email for your T. If it's a real sticking point, you might check out some other Ts... I'm actually really surprised that your T doesn't do email at all... the article that ThingWithFeathers posted talked about how awesome email is for administrative stuff, like rescheduling appointments. And I agree with that - even for me, as a client, I much prefer just sending an email asking to reschedule, getting one back with times, and responding. Done. Much easier than leaving a phone msg, waiting for a call back, missing it b/c I'm on a work call, etc.

TealBumbleBee - hi! Yeah, I think email is allowed, but it's not at all clear. I was mostly thinking of things I'd read here, and the ONE email interaction we had. I wrote about it before, but basically he had initiated it, so I'm sure that I wasn't doing anything wrong by replying. I was just surprised and a little sad that my reply wasn't acknowledged in any way.

In some ways, I guess it feels very one sided. He writes asking how things are going, and I give him a prompt response with lots of details. But then he doesn't write back at all. Not even something to let me know he "heard" me.

And, since I'm JUST realizing that now, as I'm typing, I'm also realizing... I think so much better in writing, rather than "in real time" while I'm talking. I don't think well AT ALL while I'm talking... especially in T (where I feel kind of scrutinized and uncomfortable). Again, it makes me think maybe I'd do better with a distance T and more email, since I'd be able to process things a bit easier and more clearly.

LicketySplit - "I wish they would just be honest about it and say that clients are only paying for 50 minutes of time. Period. " Yes, that, clarity. The thing is, some therapists do allow and encourage between session contact, especially for attachment issues, or so I hear. If you ever read the "Boundary Ninja" blog, she talks about how her T encourages her to call WHENEVER she feels she needs it, even if just to check that he is still there. I'm sad and jealous when I read stuff like this and then I feel like a terrible person for being sad and jealous!

Tangerinee87 - Just to clarify, I think the other poster goes 3x/week. So it's not $660/week for ONE session - it's $220/session, for 3 sessions a week, which is still expensive, but more understandable. My T charges $250/session, and doesn't accept insurance. It does feel a bit crazy high to me, and I thought I could shift my budget around to deal with it, but that is also causing me additional stress...

Thanks guys. And I really didn't meant to complain - this was just one interaction with my T, although honestly, it does make me not want to email him for anything personal. That's probably just as well, given security issues with email, I don't think it would be a good idea for me to pour out my heart via email anyway. And, I do think just writing things down as they happen, as if I were emailing, and bringing them in could help... that will hopefully let me capture the feelings as they're happening, but not put myself in a position to be hurt by a lack of response.

Thanks.

Ah but this is unlike other professions. I havee a job where people demand every minute of my day. When I get a spare few minutes I can read and respond to the 20 emails I get a day. It is exhausting and yet nothing bad happens. If I a fire a one word answer or am shorter than I mean to be then nothing happens.

Some people (myself included) read and reread what T has written and hold it close. Getting a meaningful response to something we poured our heart into is everything to some. Does a T have time to read and respond thoughtfully to everyone? No they likely dont

Some T's encourage email and some T's will take it up in session where they have time and energy to be what people need.

Stopdog I do not think you live or die or exist or have a good week or a bad one based on what your T says but some people do. While T may not be busier than anyone else the thought and heart a response can take is emotional time and effort they may not have at that moment.

I think there are a lot of reasons, like not wanting to work more than they have to, not wanting to set the expectation for you, not wanting you to become too dependent, not wanting to be misunderstood which is easier in email than talking... I think the biggest reason is because it would be like a dual relationship, it could foster a kind of unreal transference.

My T encourages Emails. She's usually pretty good at at least acknowledging that she's received one... even if she can't fully respond. She tells me if she's read one, and she tells me if she hasn't had time. I always end up feeling guilty though, for Emailing her..as reading/responding IS on her own time. She doesn't OWE me that.

Knowing how I get behind on Emails sometimes (and I don't get that many), I can't imagine how many a T may get in a day, and to try to respond to them all. They may work full time then go home to active family lives....our younger T's may have kids to take to after school sports or other activities.... but family life, hobbies, and just REST.... I can't imagine the energy it takes to listen to peoples' problems all day. I know I wouldn't like working all day then having to go home and return Emails all evening....

It is crucial for a T to set boundaries when it comes to out of session contact and they also need to communicate these boundaries to their clients. No matter how great they are or how much they want to be there for their clients, it is very exhausting to be there 100% of the times with unlimited positive regard to everyone they see.

I believe if a T encourages email/text/phone calls to their clients then they should be expected to respond to the client. But as a client I don't think it is fair of us to expect a long, though-out, emotional response. Communication via email is tough. Miscommunication can be a huge problem. A T may take something you said wrong and instead of responding in a way that they believe is of benefit to you, it may actually trigger you. I know that is something that my T worries about with me although I do not reach out to her outside of session even though she wants me to but that's a whole separate issue :roll eyes: haha

So I believe it is best to try to keep deep and emotional conversation with your T to in person only. Plus it will be much more emotionally rewarding for you! If it is something you can't tell your T in person then I would write a letter or send her an email but wait to discuss it in your next session. It is important for your T to have boundaries but it is also important for you to understand them and also have boundaries of your own. It will save you a lot of emotional distress in the long run